Well, after a long, heated argument with my poor hostage (aka my husband), I bawled like a baby, got on my knees and begged for willingness to do something, anything. I WANT to want to live. I WANT to want sobriety and mental health. I'm either going to put a bullet in my brain or accept help. I really don't like the idea of dying, not knowing where I'm going in the afterlife. It could be worse than anything I face on earth. So I guess I will choose to live another day.
This means I need rescued from this horrible agony I'm feeling. So I'm swallowing (literally) my fear of taking my new anti-depressant and I'm going to take it with breakfast tomorrow. I'm going to have to trust that it will work and not make me nuttier than I already am. Then, my husband is contacting our insurance tomorrow to figure out how to get me to a counselor. He said if I'm willing to go to a counselor, he will make the calls and deal with paperwork and such. Bless his heart. Have I mentioned I have a phobia of talking on the phone?
Anyway, so there it is. Baby (teeny weeny baby) steps in the right direction. Maybe I'll be able to handle sobriety better if I have a counselor to talk to. I don't really trust too many people in AA, so I will at least try to trust my doctor and eventually, maybe, God and everybody else. In the meantime, please keep praying for me. I need all the prayers I can get!
For me, very small baby steps were all that I could take when I came back to AA. But, they were the most important ones that I could take.
I really do hope that you will be able to find a super counsellor. They can be such a help and it's a relief to know that there is somebody that one can talk to.
Please let us know how it goes, won't you? Meanwhile, you are very much in my prayers. Please know that.
Take care,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
(((((((((((((HD))))))))))) good for you taking baby steps. I too had the fear of the unknown with medications and doctors,but I had to put my faith somplace to get out of the hell I was living in. How very sweet of your husband to look for someone for you! Just remember that it takes a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in,so don't give up! Your post reminded me what I use to be like with everything and I too threw in the towle and did not want to die or to live that way any more. Just a thought,but I sort of think that God made doctors to help out us sick folks like an indirect line to him. I go back and forth on my believing in God,but it's nice to know that I can when things get rough. I just took my kids to bible school last week and at the end of the week they had all the kids stand up in front and sing bible songs. My 5 year old is autistic and he was up there too,so just for a little bit I felt God in my heart knowing he loves everyone exspecailly children. my son did not know most of the words to the songs,but he know some of the hand movements and was up there like every other kid. I guess what I'm trying to say is that eventhough we all have a hard time and feel we are differnt once in a while God comes through and makes us all the same even just for a moment. Here on the forums we all have different stuggles,but come together for one thing and that is to stop drinking one day at a time. Your not alone HD!!!
That is GREAT to hear Heather! Death by lead poisoning is a lousy sight for those you love and leave behind. As stated, the meds take a couple weeks or more to get the full effect (My Girlfriend takes them and has changed a few times over the last 5 yrs.), so don't lose faith. And it is wonderful that your husband is going to help with finding a counselor. You ARE surrounded with love! You and yours will be in my thoughts...Tim
__________________
"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Thank you so much! *hugs* I just took my Wellbutrin, so in a few hours, I will know if I start developing any weird side effects--a third eyeball, a green toenail, whatever!
My sister just called. She is a wonderful supporter and encourager for me. Too bad she lives 8 hours away. But she always has a way of making me feel better. So I think, just for today, I will leave the drink alone. It's just 24 hours right?
And my hubby called insurance today. It's all set up. All I have to do is call the counselor to set up an appt. It's only two miles from my house! Yay! Not so overwhelming after all, is it?
Thanks so much for the continued prayers. I'm sure they helped me get out of bed this morning! (or afternoon...) Now, if they will help me get out of my pj's and into a shower, it will be a miracle. Ha ha!
