Well, here it is again. Day one. I was just a couple days shy of one month and I blew it. Looking back, sadly, I think I did it on purpose because I always balk at doing things with 100% effort (not perfection, just effort.) I knew in the back of my mind I'd eventually fall again. Time and again, I set myself up for failure, because I consider myself to be a failure.
Now before I get reamed out about going to meetings, picking up the phone, etc. I just want to say that I'm done wasting the time and effort of myself and others in the program. I guess I just don't want sobriety badly enough. Maybe I have a death wish. Who knows? I don't want to be one of those people who loses all, or even dies. But then again, I do have severe depression. It's a huge effort to find the willingness to get out of bed each morning, let alone getting to 90 in 90 and calling every AA under the sun.
I don't have the willingness--that's the problem. I have some willingness, but not enough to "go to any lengths to get it." I'm too freakin' tired to put all my time and energy into something I feel I will keep failing at anyway. And I don't trust God. I fear Him. And not in a healthy way, either. I cannot let go of the image of a "punishing God" that was drilled into my head from childhood. I still believe in God, but I cannot grasp the idea that He actually wants me to heal. All I can see is the condemning, judging side. And the idea of "using someone else's God instead" is useless to me. I can't accept anyone else's concept of God. I'm afraid I will get sent to hell if I do. Crazy, huh?
If I don't accept help, then I will only get worse. But how on earth am I to believe that God really gives a damn about me? I have tried reading all the "God is love" passages from the Bible, but I still think I'm going to be eternally damned. How is this condemning God going to be of any help to me?
I know I'm a friggin' alcoholic. I know it's a fatal disease. So why the hell do I not have the motivation for working a program? Or even just going to a meeting everyday? Is it the depression that makes me not give a hoot? Why can't I just go to any lengths like you all seem to? Why don't I care enough? I should! But I don't or won't. ????????????????
When I first started back with AA, I was a serial relapser. I wanted sobriety so badly, but I just couldn't quite make it. I tried to learn from every slip that I had about what had triggered that in me. I did learn about myself and I now have a few more tools to help me.
I learned that alcohol is a depressant. So, when I drank I felt depressed that I was a 'failure' because I had relapsed, and also the evil demon alcohol was going to do its level best to keep me depressed and keep me reaching for the bottle.
I truly thought that I had the willingness I needed/wanted. Then, I started to doubt myself. I had a lot of problems with the concept of God. I told a good friend of mine in AA that I had sacked God years ago. She pointed out that he hadn't sacked me; I had turned my back on him, but he was there waiting whenever I wished to turn around to Him again.
For quite a long time my personal God stood for a Group Of Drunks. That was the closest that I could get. But, my sponsor explained to me that that was fine.
When I was a child I was sent to a very strict church-based school. That caused me lots of problems when I first went back to AA. But now, the God of my understanding is all seeing and all knowing. He is gentle and caring. If I start to loose sight of that, I look at the beauty of the world to remind myself that there is a God. I sometimes feel about God that it's like listening to the similarities in an AA meeting and not looking for the differences.
Hang in there, HD. It really does get better.
Take good care of yourself,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I know I'm a friggin' alcoholic. I know it's a fatal disease. So why the hell do I not have the motivation for working a program? Or even just going to a meeting everyday? Is it the depression that makes me not give a hoot? Why can't I just go to any lengths like you all seem to? Why don't I care enough? I should! But I don't or won't. ????????????????
Well..Doggie? Dont know bout you...but I simply.."Wanted to drink...more than I wanted to stay sober" and the suicidal death wish, went with it" along with the low self esteem..the guilt and remorse...the depression..and the anger, at myself.
As for the God stuff...? The only Higher Power I could fathom for a long time was AA as a whole..and Good Orderly Direction..
Have the best yu can eh...
-- Edited by Phil at 07:27, 2006-08-23
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
I, like Phil, had to keep on going until I had no other choice... get sober, or get locked away in jail or an asylum, or get buried. It was a pretty low bottom. But I can be grateful today, for as stubborn as I was, I couldn't make any more excuses for myself, because I had already lost everything. Significant opther(s), home, car, driver's license, support of family, job. I could not force myself to be willing when I really wasn't, no matter how hard other people tried to help me. The bottom line, as Phil said, "I wanted to keep drinking."
Keep coming back. Now you have been in AA and seen what we can have if we really are willing to work hard at it. Keep this in the back of your mind and know that we can always come back... the door is always open. Take care.
I guess you could put the God stuff aside and ask yourself how well do you want to live and do you want to live. I know for me I had to have outside help other than AA to help what was ailing me. I did not want to live in an emotional hell any more,so I sought the power of the mental health professionals because I did't have much faith in God at the time either. I was sick other than the alcohol that I was using to help medicate myself. Depression is real and very distructive,so I got help for it and so can you. AA helps me with my not drinking and I love the fellowship,but my doctors help keep me sain along with what they prescribe for me and my mental illness. I guess for me I was not only sick,but my sickness was also in my children's lives as well as those around me. I look back now that "I'm well" and cringe at what i use to be and thank God I had the motivation to get well not just stop drinking. I use the steps in AA as tools for my recovery,it's a good program to live by,not nessasarily life it's self. The program is for those who want it,not for those who need it. I want the power of AA by being powerless over alcohol. It's really simple. All that is suggested is just suggestions that's it,but the suggestions have worked for so many that is why they are suggested time and time again. So if you can't make 90 in 90,try once or twice a week and find something that will work for you. Not everyone has a sponcer,so find a way or someone that will work for you. I don't call everyone in AA whenever I have a problem or want to drink,but it's nice to know I can if I want to or need to. I use on line recovery because it works for me instead of calling everyone,but I also go to meetings to help my recovery. I'm in recovery as a whole,not just stopping alcohol. I gave up drugs like 19 years ago,then I was sober for many years, relapsed, and now am sober 2 years. I still get depressed even on medication,even by going to AA,but I'm not like I was two years ago. I think you might have to look at it as progress,not perfection. Even people that are "well" get depressed sometimes,that is just life. So find what works for you, you already know what does not work for you. When your in active addiction you do not have a choice,but once you surrender you have more choices because you are healthier. Anyway what does God have to do with getting mentally fit? God is for the spritiual side of things,not for your mental health or physical health.
Heather, you can give up if you want; it's your choice. YOU REMIND ME OF ME. But is it really the "sane" you that wants to quit trying, or the addict that wants to be fed that's leading you to this decision? You state that you suffer from depression. Adding alcohol to your depressive state is like putting gasoline on a fire; it will just make you more depressed even though it doesn't seem that way at first. By the way you speak about the God you've grown to know, I wonder if you were raised in the Catholic religion. I was. And that is what my vision of God was like for a long time. Use the Group Of Drunks, there is strength in numbers. I know Phil just helped me with my new one, Good Orderly Direction! Thank you Phil.
I don't know what else to say. You've gotten GREAT advice in the postings above and more will surely follow. DO think about your decision. You fell back for a day or two, BUT you came back today. It's O.K.!! Think about what you truly want for the rest of your life. I wish you well...Tim
__________________
"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Thanks everyone. The truth is, some days, I really feel like I would rather be drunk than sober. I know darn well that I cannot drink like other people, and gave up trying to a long time ago. So when I drink, I set out deliberately to get drunk. No "I'm just going to have one" for me. If I'm going to drink, I want to get rip-roaring drunk to numb out.
As my almost-one month was approaching, I got scared. I thought, "If I make it to a month, then I have to keep going. I'll never drink again. I will let everybody and myself down if I do. But if I get drunk before the one-month mark, it's not such a devastating blow." Weird, huh? Gotta love the alcoholic mentality. Insanity, pure and simple.
I understand the disease of alcoholism. I know it's potentially fatal. Yet I flirt with it all the time. Maybe I truly do have a death wish--I'm just too chicken-sh*t to take the "easy way out"--I must prefer the long, drawn-out suffering miserable death of alcoholism.
Anyway, maybe I will just have to get to as many meetings as I can, but also deal with my mental health issues if I want to stay sober. I'm well aware that alcohol is a depressant and I'm just making it worse by drinking. So I have to stop. I just need lots more willingness to go to ANY lengths! Not just some lengths.
I wish I had a magic wand that someone could wave to give me willingness to stop, before I end up even further down the dangerous road I'm on. Since I have no faith right now, could you all pray instead that I will become willing before I make an even worse mess of my life? I could really use the prayers! Thanks.
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, I ask myself why does God want to punish me. I'm 37 never been married, I'm a hard worker, College Graduate and a sensitive caring person. Then why am I unemployed, unable to support myself. There are so many people in society who don't want to work and take advantage of the system. I want to work and can't find it. Therefore with nothing on my plate why should I even care? I keep praying for myself to be happy again...I live day to day hoping everything will change.
Hi, Heather I never had much notion of a few drinks either. It was all or nothing. If I was to entertain the notion of drinking again, the thought of just a drink and then I'll knock it off would'nt cross my mind. Never thought like that. The thought would be more along the lines of kiss my kid goodbye, settle up any bussiness around here, back to the 'ol cheap motel. (always was a self-righteous, proud type. I'd walk through the gates of hell on my own just to tell God I didnt need His help come judgement, then sit down and bitch, never meant for things to turn out this way, musta had it in for me..) In this real world, people live in circumstances. The paycheck for last weeks work is what you are living in today. In my drunken nightmare, I demanded to find release from my circumstances. I would then 'get better' out of gratitude. I wanted next weeks paycheck now. Then I would work. Lesson that some won't learn. Can get rough. So I find, when pay time comes, things better work the way they are supposed to and the boss needs to hand me that check. When fruits of a drunken, harsh life ripen and fall on my head, wich they still do regularly, I demand God to repeal the law of gravity. I remember musing over a question I couldnt get to the bottom of. Asked my sponsor on the way dropping me off from a meeting. 'How can you just blindly trust God has your best interest at heart? A fundamental question. Sponsor looks over, "Well, for me, turning my will over took it out of the hands of a damned fool." Until I learn better, works for me. To cut a longer bout of verbal diarrea short, I'll get to the point. If God fixed everything in the flash of light I was sure I had coming, I would never have to grow and mature into the complete person He already sees me as. The things I have been through, seen and done would be worthless. I'm supposed to raise the water level for those around me, not wallow around in the shallows. A tall order. When you figure your finished figuring out what ever root youve tripped over, shrug it of, shake the dust of, and keep on going. Dont look back. You arent going through anything any one else hasnt seen. My deal was when I fell, I decided it was nap time. heheh. move a couch in and get comfortable. Took a tornado ripping things out from under me to get moving again.
(the above gibberish roughly translates to hang in there, and keep coming back -Ryan)
I'll just pass on a couple of things that have helped me:
I don't put pressure on myself by telling myself I will never have a drink again. I don't know if I will. I don't plan on it but if it happens I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and start over again.
Grasping the concept of God has always been difficult for me. Instead of forcing myself, I simply believe that there is something out there guiding me. I will have a clearer picture of what that something is later on. For now, it gets me by. And I pray to God every day anyway.
