Have you ever had one of those days where everything that you say or think always sounds like excuses, rationalization, justification.........
Where every sentence gets half-way through and that awful word but interjects itself. Life is good today, but.........
I love my job, but..........
I should be going to a meeting, but..........
Sometimes, when life gets tough, it's hard to see outside of the moment. All the overwhelming thoughts crash down at once, life seems so unmangable, serenity slips away, expectations soar.
It's been one of those weeks for me.
I'm used to going to meetings daily. Lately it's been every other day.
I can totally see a difference in my thoughts and actions when I don't get to enough meetings. I truly believe that meetings and all the honest that goes with 'em is what keeps me going. It's hard to discuss what's going on in this alcoholics head with someone that's not in the program!
Well, I have to get running. Time to make the donuts...........
Hope you all have a wonderful, sober, and serenity filled weekend!
One thing I sure remember about sobering up was slowly becoming concious of all the crap turning around in constant circles in my brain. Then coming to realize I had always been like that -I was becoming concious of it all. Hehehee I wasnt in Kansas anymore... Now the worst it got, the better it was for me to get to meetings and keep my head in the big book, the worst off I was, the more willing to listen and hear what I needed to hear. Hell. I'm still like that. One foot in the grave before i'm so damned uncomfortable I'm willing to listen.
I've got a rule of thumb that I dont live up to, but all the rest of yall sure outta- When something happens during the day, and suddenly, from that experience you gain some insight, the truth behind a line or two in the BB crystalizes, when you stop having those moments, time to get your head back in it. Barking at the moon right along with you, soberdrunk, hope I didnt screw things up worse.. Hehee
Yes, I definitely do get those sorts of days. I also get the 'what if' days, too. That's when I know that I really need my meetings.
I have had a busy week and I'm planning on going to a new meeting tonight. I always feel so much more peaceful and 'me' when I'm up-to-date on my meetings. It's food for my soul and recovery. Even being in a room with recovering alcoholics restores my personal balance.
Have a great and sober weekend,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Wow, did I need to read this, I am having one of those days, for a straight 4 or 5.
Last week-end I was so excited about something in my life, could not concentrate on the day to day stuff. As a Recovering Alcoholic, I try to watch out for that stuff. What's the saying, what goes up, will come down.
Plus I had to confront someone that means a lot to me, about some stuff that I was feeling on the inside, and then when I did, I was aware that the ball, was in her court, and I have not heard a word from her, and feel very bummed about that. Although that is just part of the vigorous honesty of this Program, and I was feeling very uncomfortable about something going on in our relationship, and no matter what the outcome, I had to say something, for myself, with the understanding that there was a possibility of losing the relationship, and it seems like maybe I have done just that.
When I put that in true prospective, with the Program coming first, Principles before Personalities, it will be o.k., but feeling dissapointed , is something that we have to honor too.
Powerlessness, feeling a lot of that, and that's makes us more human, am going to be doing a lot of Praying for what I feel is the goal in Recovery, and that is Balance. Not there, today, emotions seem to be over-whelming me. Emotions are feelings that really need some dicipline.
Got sick from something I ate, yesterday, and that seemed to be the icing on the cake.
Well, from here I can say, I need a meeting today, and from this low point, will be getting back to that mid-line, sooner rather that later. Awareness, that is something to be grateful for, never had any most of my life. And even though it does not feel good, can be Grateful for the awareness of where I am today, and not pop a pill, or have a drink to make me feel better, walk right through the middle of this, to the other side, and that is something that I am aware of too, feelings are just feelings, and they will change, just Pray about it, give it all to God, and let it go.
So I can really relate to how your week has been going, we need to Program of Recovery, no matter the time, in this Program. Someone was saying that they were getting out the 12 x 12, and studying it. What a great idea, think I will do the same, there is a saying in this Program, that the solution to any problem, can be found in one of those steps, and have experienced this process many times.
You take care of Justin, please. Maybe for both of us, this is the backward motion of growth, and it never, ever feels good. Acceptance, is where it start with me this morning.
Thanks for all the honesty in this Post, just what I needed to hear this morning.
I wish I could go back to some posts I wrote about a month ago, maybe?? You helped me so much, Justin, in your replies, to get out of the 'funk' when it was 'my turn'.
When it was all said and done, and it lasted for me, for several weeks, I came out of it having grown a bit, and also having made some changes that I needed to make. What got me out of my 'funk' was working either the next Step of the 12, or actually revisiting a step I knew I had 'slacked on'. (Step 11. That was just where I was at... you may be somewhere different. I understand from your sharing with us, that you did Step 5. Leave anything out? Do Steps 6 and 7 yet? If you are satisfied with your answers to these questions, than maybe it is time to start that List... or if it is completed, start your amends?? Not trying to be your sponsor. Just reminding you of what comes next, in order for us to heal and move on, and get better.
One of my favorite quotes from the big Book is: "When the Spiritual Malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically". Not the other way around. I have to constantly remind myself that it's not my education, my work endeavors, or even my homelife that is going to restore me back to serenity and sanity. I can have the best job, the perfect marriage, and the nicest 'stuff', and be miserable. That's what was going on when I relapsed 18 months ago after over 2 years of sobriety and 10 years of AA. I 'had everything', but wasn't moving forward in the most important part of my life, the program itself.
Take care of yourself at this time. If you need more sleep, then get more sleep. If you need more meetings, get there hell or high water. If you need to move forward on the Steps, get with your sponsor and get 'er dun.
I have to focus tonight on Step 11. The anxiety of my nursing school final interview tomorrow is weighing heavy on me in the anxiety area. So loggin' out here in a few to get busy.
Here for you, friend. Keep sharing and keep striving!! You are loved and appreciated!!
