It is clear that honesty is vital to the health of all relationships. Mutual trust, openness, and understanding are the key contributors to feelings of friendship and intimacy. Conversely it is very hard to be in a relationship with any person who distorts or withholds information critical to that relationship.
Yet there are internal tensions that can pull us away from truth-telling. One of the most powerful of these forces is fear - fear of what other persons will think of us or how they will use the information we reveal.
We can not have real, authentic, intimate relationships if we are not real and authentic. We have to begin to step out, begin to take risks and begin to be honest if we want to have truly intimate relationships in our lives. If we are bothered by something someone does, we need to speak it. If we are angry, we need to acknowledge that we are angry and stop trying to pretend we are not. If we made a bad decision, we need to face the consequences of that decision. Our relationships will never become intimate if we do not share ourselves in an intimate way by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, speak honestly and handle what happens as a result.
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Well this certainly hit the nail on the head, regarding something I needed to do, was putting off, and letting it continue to bother me. Had to get out what was bothering me, and as this article states, just accept what will result. In relationships it is almost always a better solution if we are just throwing out the bath water, and not the baby, am hopful that this will enrich and improve that relationship, but as the person became quite defensive, I am going to have to wait and see. Did Prayer about it, and then I acted. Thank God that is what this Program has taught us to do. Our close personal relationships of course are our most valuable, and we do need to remain, as you said, completely honest, and sometimes, that real honesty is hard to do, and yes, it is all around fear of losing the person in the Process.
Keeping God first in Everything, does make this possible, and letting His Will, not Mine, be done. And as a Recovering "People Pleasing A...H...", this takes a lot of practice, practice, and then more practice. Staying with the "I see, I need, and I want" helps. Seem to be getting better at it, one day at a time.
Life on life's terms, and being completely responsible for keeping our side of the Street swept up, well if this does not happen daily, then it will linger, like a piece of debris on the street, and will become a "Still-life", until we figure out a way to get that little piece of debris taken care of.
Great article, and hope that today finds you feeling better, and that that extra pillow is back in the closet.
Thanks for a great post. I needed to hear that today.
My relationship with my boyfriend suffered dreadfully because of my alcoholism. I simply couldn't be honest about my drinking to anyone, me included. In the end we separated, but we're still working on it.
We are spending time together in September and we've agreed that although we didn't lie to each other, the honesty factor in our relationship had suffered. So, we're going to sit down and talk really honestly about everything and anything. It's going to be the first time in years that we have been able to do this. We are both hoping that this new level of honesty will bring us closer together again.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Mmmm, yes, Honesty = Vulnerability. Not the easiest thing after years of keeping protective walls up, is it? I find that even when I'm working on being honest with my feelings, both to myself and to someone else, often my body language belies my words. ie: " I want our relationship to be open", yet my arms are crossed in front of my body like a shield. So before I'm getting ready to be open with someone else, I try to be scrupulous in looking at my own agendas and true feelings about the issue, so that I don't do more damage than had I kept my big mouth shut. We are so used to lying to ourselves, it isn't easy to begin honesty with others. Gods forbid I should ruin my "look good", huh? I spent years covering myself in tattoos as a sort of unspoken wall, when anyone with discernment could have looked in my face and seen exactly what I was doing. " I'm tough", balderdash. I'm hypersensitive, yeah, but I don't want you to know it, because then you'll use it against me. All those preconceived notions of protection. What a waste of time. And then comes the day when you're sitting at that table, spilling your guts out all over the place.
So often I hear "you look like such a nice, normal person, why all the tats?". I say, well, I like skin art (which is true). And then I think, oh man, if you only knew me, what would you think? All these years later....Oy, work it a day at a time, right? Love Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Honesty with others....trying not to hurt them...trying to not upset good friendships..trying to people please...
Hell..I lied to someone close to me over a year ago about smoking...felt so guilty about it that I came clean a few days later...and wound up divorced 8 months later...
Now..this might have been a trigger for other things...that werent my stuff..but it was enough to send trust right out the door...especially for a person..that couldnt trust..in the first place..
Yaa..that post..hit a few triggers with this kid today...and I had to turn around and be honest with a couple others..in my life..this morning...and let the chips fall where they may..
And Baloney? The extra pillow"s back in the closet...Full speed ahead...um..well 3rd gear..anyway.:)
Have a good day guys..
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Yesss, the honesty. I hate lying. I hate doing it myself and I hate being lied to. It's comforting to know that you have a clear conscience about things you've said and done and don't have to remember what story you told to whom and how to continue it. That is a weight that I don't need to carry.
But when it comes to drink, it's thrown out the door. I'd be drinking a beer in the open, light drinking, but go into my garage to smoke a cigarrette and pour some vodka that I had hidden there into the bottle. This is when the woman I love is home. So I lied to her. I lied to me with that little voice telling me that my drinking is under control when it was truly far from it. And I hurt her and others around me who care about me and my well being. But more important, I HURT ME. The one person I must sincerely love in order to love others. And the dishonesty displayed that I didn't. I must keep that in the forefront of my thoughts and actions.
From an old Steven Stills I believe:
......So we cheated and we lied and we tested,
And we never failed to fail, it was the easiest thing to do....
.......Think about how many times I have fallen....
Thanks Phil...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
I am a little angry at a childhood friend of mine. I really want to tell her how selfish... no, downright GREEDY, rude and superficial she comes off as at times, but the fact that she cried and prayed for me along with my parents all those years that I was druggin' and drinkin' is preventing me from being truthful with her, out of guilt.
I just attended her son's 4 year old birthday party last night. It was the 3rd party she had for him that week. One for Mom's Club (16 attendees, 16 gifts). One for 'friends' (20 attendees/gifts) and the one I went to, for family (about 20 more people) which I was invited to, as her parents were like family to me when we were growing up. With each invititation for each separate party, she made a different 'list' of like 20 expensive items she wanted for her son. Gimme a break. This girl has been doing shit like this since we were little. She would brag about how she had checked off EVERYTHING on her Christmas lists that she got, and she would even tally the monetary amount!!!!!!!! PUKE!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, since we were discussing honesty, and I have always been more of a doormat kind of person than an insytigater, I dunno if I should even touch this one. I guess it should not directly affect ME that she does this, it is just very annoying, for some reason.
Also, she KNOWS I do not want to be around alcohol as far as her p[arents et al. are concerned, as they get good and drunk every chance they get. She does not drink, herself, but was sashet'ing around the deck saying, out loud, "Joni, do you want a Gatorade?? I have Pepsi, Gatorade and drink boxes...." She asked me if I'd like any of the above not ONCE, but 3 times, even though I had told her I was not thirsty..... grumble grumble...
Jonibaloni
OK... upon further thinking about this, it is NONE of my BUSINESS!!!! I can find anything to be 'fumed' about, if I try hard enough.
