Hi. My name is Julie and I am from Alanon. I have been married to an active alcoholic for 3 yrs now. My husband and I seem to get along well for a couple of months and then after that the crap seems to hit the fan. Not always his fault, I will take the blame also. It takes two. My thing is I feel that we should be able to talk things out but his answer to our arguments every single time is that he wants a divorce. We have been seperated since November and trying to work things out off and on since then. Now I realize that he may mean he wants a divorce at the time he says it but he always ends up calling me a month or two later trying to get me to come back. It just seems that he has no coping skills at all and his answer to arguments is always to get divorced. Our latest argument is over the lack of intimacy in our marriage. He says that it is because he is 48 and I am 41 and he will also admit to it being because of his drinking. He admits this but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. If I want to talk about it he immediately blows up and wants a divorce. What am I to do?
Hi Julie and welcome. An active alcoholic is a very difficult person to deal with, as you already know. You say a "lack of intimacy". Is it on your part or his? Is this a "functional" problem? Does he want to continue drinking? I'm sure others will be able to help more when these details are explained further. Meawhile, you're doing the right thing in seeking help in Alanon. Take care and all the strength in the world to you!...Tim
-- Edited by timverton at 14:45, 2006-08-16
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
To answer your question the lack of intimacy is on his part and it's not a functional thing. He's just not as interested as I am. I have tried to compromise and not be demanding but that hasn't helped either. As far as his drinking he says sometimes that he wants to quit but for the most part I would say that he doesn't really want to right now.
My name is Carol and I'm an alcoholic. I cannot give you any advice as that simply isn't for me to do. But, I'll try to share a little of what happened to my long-term relationship because of my alcoholism. Perhaps, there may be something that might help you. I can only do my best. Here goes.
I met my boyfriend in 1991. We fell in love very early on and we knew that it was 'serious'. On our second date we promised each other total honesty in every area of life. 'White lies' were not allowed. We both stuck rigidly to it. After one year of spending as much as possible together I went to work with him in his company. It was something that we were both nervous of, but it really worked. In 1994 we moved in together. Life was completely perfect.
We both drank and it didn't cause any problems. Over the years, my drinking escalated slowly. Once in a while I would get a little 'tipsy' and not happy about it. But, the frequency of that happening increased. I steadily drank more and more.
While I was drinking our intimate life had become non-existent. I was too drunk by the time I finally staggered into bed and he hates seeing a drunken woman. He has told me that he couldn't physically bear to go near me. Now, that I am sober I can all so easily see that.
Often there would be bad domestic scenes in the morning after I had been drunk the night before. I would always cry and say that I wouldn't do it again. I always meant my promise. But, inevitably I did. In March 2004 he said that he couldn't and wouldn't take it any more. He made plans to move out. I started with AA and had eight wonderful weeks of sobriety. Then, I thought that I had been 'cured' and stopped going. Within a week I was back at drinking at my old levels. In November 2004 he left.
That was when my alcoholism completely kicked in. I have no children and no job. I didn't have any responsibilities to stop me from drinking. There was no brake to be applied. I carried on drinking as often and as much as I wanted.
My boyfriend and I kept in touch. We spoke regularly over the 'phone and emailed every day. I loved him so very dearly and told him that every time we had contact. He came to stay with me one year after we had separated. That is when I hit my personal rock bottom. Medically, he had a serious problem. He had already had spinal surgery and could have been facing another serious operation. I swore to myself that I wouldn't get drunk and that I would care for him to the very best of my ability.
I wanted to do that so badly. I loved him and would have laid down my life for him. But, just over twenty-four hours after he had arrived I had started a massive row with him. I told him to 'f*** off'. I was so frustrated that I couldn't get my normal 'fix' of alcohol. I was bodily craving it. I was completely out of control. I couldn't imagine life with or without alcohol in it. I wanted to stop, but at the same time I didn't. I was so scared.
I knew then that I had to get back to AA and I did. My life is now turning around unbelievably.
You might be wondering why I am telling you all of this. You see, Julie, at the time I was an active alcoholic I couldn't see the damage and hurt that I was causing. It wasn't that I didn't want to see it. I simply couldn't. All I thought about was me and my next drink. I didn't care about anything else.
My alcoholism had taken over everything and robbed me of everything that I held dear. I had no emotions left. Mentally, I thought I wanted to die. I felt so completely isolated and alone. Now, I can see that I'm not a bad person. I have a disease and that is what happens my when my disease progresses to the stage that I reached.
My boyfriend and I are planning on being together again next month. We both want that so much. We have agreed that we are going to have a long talk about my alcoholism and what it was like for him and for me. I have never seen it from his point of view and he can't begin to imagine it from mine. It's going to be painful, but we love each other and want to work through it.
Julie, I hope, with all of my heart, that perhaps some tiny little thing I have said will help you in some way.
Please take the greatest care of yourself, won't you? Please let us know how things are going for you. We all care.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi again Julie. I was thinking that if your husband had a medical problem you would have some sort of an answer. As that's not the case, it's probably best that you be entirely honest with him about your feelings and see what his response is in a good heart-to-heart talk if possible. I know, he'll probably want a divorce. I'd really suggest that you seek professional counseling, with him if he'll attend, or without him if he won't. If you don't have insurance to cover it, try your local mental health facility or a local rehab hospital for a recommendation to someone who does counseling pro bono or at reduced cost. They're out there. If you're a member of a church, try your pastor. They are normally trained to help or direct you to a source that can. I wish you and you husband well...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Now I'm going to get really humble and honest and add to them.
Any relationship, that I was in when I drank was typically self centered and what I wanted...It was control...mind games...conn jobs..and alcohol came first... Anyone gave me a hard time about it? I might admit that I might have a problem...but..I was in a relationship with alcohol...and that relationship came first..
I had no clue how to comunicate..with anyone...at a heart..and honest level...none..
When I wasnt drinking...I had all those feelings inside..and emotions...that a normal person has...but I had no clue how to get them out..
Then there was the ego...God help me if someone found out I was weak..and full of fear on a daily basis..especially those in a relationship... What would they think...? So I wore many personalities and many masks for a long time..
I got sober...Now what?
Same stuff without booze...
At 18 years sober....I was in a relationship and marriage..that I wanted more than anything...to work...
I had baggage from the past to get rid off..I did..
I went outside of AA to learn how to show emotions..feelings...the whole ball of wax...
I went as far as allowing myself to be controlled and obsessed by the whole relationship..
Well ..theres more to the story...and no blame involved..she was a beautiful lady inside and out..and decided to be on her own..in the end..
These emotions and feelings that I learned to show...came pouring out...and until not that long ago...they were all over the map...
But yu know what...I learned to love..and show it...and I learned to give from the heart...
And to me..thats what its all about...
In conclusion...We are sharing about a guy..thats still drinking....I think theres a message here somewhere...but I forget what the hell it is...:)
Good luck to you both....love
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Phil wrote: Any relationship, that I was in when I drank was typically self centered and what I wanted...It was control...mind games...conn jobs..and alcohol came first... Anyone gave me a hard time about it? I might admit that I might have a problem...but..I was in a relationship with alcohol...and that relationship came first.. I had no clue how to comunicate..with anyone...at a heart..and honest level...none.. When I wasnt drinking...I had all those feelings inside..and emotions...that a normal person has...but I had no clue how to get them out.. Then there was the ego...God help me if someone found out I was weak..and full of fear on a daily basis..especially those in a relationship...
When the fear of him "finding out" took over or if he somehow interferred with my drinking.......
My answer, DIVORCE!
Good luck, hun. You're in my prayers.....
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
You and I are from the different side of the fence. I came for a peek not that long ago, and recieved a warm welcome. The wisdom on this board has truly given me a deeper insight into the struggle my hubby is going through. He is a still suffering alcoholic, and when I think I have reached my patience level with him, I come here and HP always has something here that helps me.
I have also reached out just as you have with a question, and you know what, I got answers. :) These lovely people here know there stuff and willingly share it with us.
I don't post here often, lol I save the truly sick stuff for the other board. I read here often and share when I have a need to.
I hope you find the same comfort that I have found.
Thank you all for responding to my post. I really hesitated at first to post and was not sure of the responses I would receive. What a pleasant surprise when I was received with such a warm welcome. Like Dolphin, I came here hoping to get some insight into my husband's alcoholism and what better place to come. For me, part of my recovery is to learn as much as I can about alcoholism. Again, thank you all for receiving me with such a warm welcome.
