Anyone who has read my posts knows I am one of these chronic relapsers who has been bouncing in and out of AA for years without really committing and embracing the life, even though I have never fully departed from AA, have always kept reading the literature, and even call some members now and then. My mind is always full of AA too. I don’t think will ever change. As one of my sponsors once said to me “now that you have so much knowledge of your condition, your drinking will never be the same again”. And he was right.
This is the longest I have been away from the actual meetings though for some time (about 8 months). Am terrified of two things about actually going back through the door of an AA room once again:
A) I have built up in my mind the illusion that if I go back to the meetings now, and wander away again, like so many times in the past, I feel I will never get back, so have delayed actually “going” back if that makes any sense. I feel, in a way, this is my last chance. If I don’t “get” it the next time i don’t think I will have the strength to get back again.
B) The thoughts of sitting in a room of people. I think I would pass out from fear, would be shaking life a leaf. Have not been in a room full of people for so long. Even going to the supermarket causes me panic attacks.I have isolated myself to such an extent that even the thought of shaking someones hand or looking them in the eye gives me a cold sweat.
Everyday though I read the 24 hour book and pray. I carry around a copy of the Big Book, the 12x12, two 24hr books and a list of AA meetings in my area with me wherever I go. It is my way of keeping in there even a little. Just keeping some kind of grasp on this, so I don’t lose it totally and slip away into oblivion.
I would rather cut my right hand off than part with my Big Book. I know that may sound strange to people for someone who is still drinking.
It gives me hope though.
Some other thoughts:
I HAVE GO DOWN STEP 1. I am convinced.
“We admitted we are powerless over alcohol...” (Yes, Anyone who cannot pass the liquor stores despite promising themselves every day they would not go in this time is powerless over alcohol. Anyone who, after taking one sip of alcohol, cannot stop until they are totally blitzkrieged is powerless over alcohol.)
I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL.
“that our lives had become unmanageable..” (Yes. My life is totally unmanageable. Can hardly function without great effort. Totally alone now. Family gone. Children hardly know me. Financially I am a mess. Owe money to banks, credit cards etc. etc. Barely coping. May be law suits pending for money I owe to institutions. Drink comes first even if it means I don’t pay the rent, or even buy food. Have no idea how I can keep going or even how long I will have a job/home)
MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE
So thats Step 1. I think I have it.
Now Step 2 “Came to believe...”
Now I know that in order for Step 2 to begin I have to go back to full time meetings, get a sponsor and above all... stop drinking totally. Don’t think Step 2 will work any other way.
So its Step 2 i am stumped on as i have not gone back to AA meetings and am still drinking.
An why am I still drinking? Because I am afraid to drink and afraid not to drink. Afraid of the big leap of faith into the AA life. I mean REALLY COMMITTING to recovery.
In a way its funny. But I still have this vision of the sober life being a glum one. You know. Nothing to live for except sitting in classrooms, or church basements, drinking bad coffee out of plastic cups and mumbling into my beard about how grateful I am to be sober etc.
That vision used to frighten the bejaysus out of me. I think I would have rather kept drinking than face this slow shuffle in and out of AA rooms for the rest of my life. Staying sober but no real substance or excitement to life.
i know thats rubbish of course. i know there is much more to it than that. But the persistance of this vision is astonishing in my mind. Even though the alternative (keeping drinking) is much, much worse.
Part of me has always been as afraid of recovery as I am of keeping drinking.
The biggest part of step two is really believing in my heart that through the direction of people in the program (good orderly direction) I can be restored to sanity.
Sanity is defined as a soundness of mind.
Through coming to meetings and not picking up that first drink the fog begins to lift and allows me to see life on a clearer level.
I tell you one thing which is truly a miracle. I am only five months sober. I am actively working with a sponsor on the 12 steps and the thought of a drink has not appeared for quite some time.
How do you explain that? I lived to drink and drank to live. Now I no longer think about alcohol. What's going on here? It's the program beginning to work me instead of me working the program. That is my only explanation at this time.
I read your earlier post Niall. I used to think the same way. I thought I was constitutionally incapable. Now what sticks out to me is that one line 'rarely have we seen a person fail who has thouroughly followed our path.' I believe this to be true.
For quite a long time I was a chronic relapser, too. I so wanted to have the sort of sobriety that I could see in other AA members, but for some reason I couldn't see myself ever achieving it. It was a very far goal that was attainable to other people but not me.
I now know that my own thinking delayed my personal recovery.
I was at a meeting last night and I was sitting next to a wonderful guy who I have the utmost respect for. He was a serial relapser and kept going in and out of the AA rooms for years. When he came to AA last time, his wife and children had left him; he was homeless; he was jobless; all he owned were the clothes that he was wearing. Alcohol had taken everything else away from him.
Today it is his 23rd AA birthday. He has built his life back up again and now he is one of the happiest and most fulfilled people that I have ever met.
When I first went to AA, he was so kind and helpful. When I returned after an eighteen month relapse he was one of the first people to welcome me back with open arms (quite literally).
During my eighteen months of drinking, I kept thinking back to all of the wonderful people that I had met in AA and of the meetings themselves. I could picture the rooms so very clearly, but I just couldn't bring myself to go back. I would sit and read from my AA books when I knew that there was one of my old meetings in progress. But, it didn't stop me from drinking.
When I first went back, I chose a very small meeting in my area as I wasn't ready to face people. Apart from shopping for more alcohol I had isolated myself completely. The thought of chatting to anyone frightened me beyond belief.
But, by some process, I am back in AA and I love it. Today, I can truly say that I am glad to be an alcoholic. My life is full of love, beauty and joy in so, so many simple day-to-day things. I never thought that I could accept being an alcoholic and be a happy person at the same time. But, the two do go hand-in-hand beautifully.
I strongly believe that without doing a thorough Step 1 I couldn't be where I am today. To me, I have to really work each Step to the very best of my ability. But, it's hardly 'work' for this alcoholic.
Niall, you could always try to find a small meeting in your area and take it from there. Or, there are some AA meetings on the Internet that I used to use in my early recovery. They really did help.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on, won't you? There are a lot of good and caring people here on this board who want nothing but the best for you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Saw you on the bottom o the page, reading, just wanted to say Hi, and hope that you will keep up with the Postings, they helped me so much when I was new to this area, and like Hotel California, cannot seem to leave now, haha, and really don't want to anyway.
Sent you a PM, and I am Praying for you my friend,
There is a "chronic" relapser in my HG. He shared once that he just couldn't 'get it', too much information, his head constantly spinning trying to understand it all. He finally took someone's suggestion and put the plug in the jug. For a whole year, he didn't drink, he came to meetings, but he never shared, he didn't fellowship with anyone but he did read the BB on his own. He says it was a miserable and wonderful year all at the same time. Putting the plug in the jug allowed him time for the fog to clear. Going to meetings became a routine part of his day. And reading the BB became 2nd nature. He says in his 2nd year he had that 'spiritual awakening'. He now has 13 yrs of sobriety and the most awesome recovery I've seen thus far...........His suggestion at a meeting today to another relapser "Why not try just not drinking for today. Don't worry about the steps or any of the other stuff. Just don't drink. And if that works today, do it again tomorrow. The rest will come".........
You're in my prayers. (((((HUGS))))))
-- Edited by Doll at 18:57, 2006-08-15
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
If I still drank, I wouldnt be powerless yet. You'll know it when you get there. When you do give up, turn it all over to God. Nothing is what it seems. Been there, you've gotta finish what you've gotta finish, Ryan
