My sponsor is not available at the moment and there is no other AA that I would share this with. So, ya'll please, bare with me.......
I'm in the midst of my 4th step (again) and I've discovered that I am THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON AND MOTHER ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
In my late teens due to some complications I was told I could never have children, which was fine with me, I didn't want any anyway. I only conceived once in my life, he will be 16 next month. I know today that God gave him to me to have something to live for. Without him I would have surely died at the hands of my addictions, I have no doubt about that.
In my recent writings I've learned that I felt him to always be a burden. When he was small I told myself I would never keep him from his father, so I let him visit as often as I could, all the while is father is just if not more addicted than I was. I very easily just handed him over every other weekend and on holidays and during summer breaks & let him stay as long as his dad would keep him. The court order was for every other weekend ONLY.
I was not being 'the good mother' I fooled myself into thinking. I was using that as a babysitter so I could party! Looking back, a good parent would have gotten a court order to have visitation stopped all together. His father is still out there and continues to get worse with each passing day.
My heart is absolutely broken in two at this moment and I feel sick to my stomach at my discovery.
I love him with all of my heart and soul today. I would die for him without hesitation, today. I couldn't say this with honesty a year ago. How sad & sick is that!
How to get past this? How to make amends to a child without letting him know how I really felt?
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Oh, Jen, no you are not a HORRIBLE person. Please remember, we are not our disease. As a parent of 5 + and adoption, the first four went thru my sickness with me. I, too, farmed them out so that I could party. But many is the time, that I went ahead and had them at home when I partied. (loosely calling it that.) Or left them in the care of someone less than desirable.
You love/loved your son. It wasn't your child you resented, is my take from what you've said. It was the responsibility of a child you resented. I loved my children with all my heart, and there's no doubt about that. But I did resent the responsibility, I resented the father for leaving the burden to me while he still got to "do his thing". Your controlling disease resented anything, anybody that got in the way. We both know it's a very selfish and demanding monster to keep fed, and is jealous of anything that slows it down.
We all have this guilt, we parents. It's just recognising that we are not our disease. We were in the thralls of this disease. Now we are gaining our control back. I am an alcoholic, but I am not the entity itself of this illness.
I made amends to my children. In fact, twenty years later, I find myself still doing so in small ways. They love me and understand for the most part. If you need to make amends to him, in order to not hurt him further? I would make amends for not being there for him, for not putting him first, for not taking responsibility. Just suggestions---but let him know no matter how sick you were, how lost in the disease, it wasn't him. You've always loved him. But the disease loved you even more. Be good to yourself on this one, Jen. It's our most sensitive area, as Mothers. For me it is, anyway. Guilt plays a major roll when it comes to our babies, no matter what the age. And now, you have this time to make things right between you again, a real blessing from our HP. Many parents die before they get that chance. Or their kids are gone and they don't even get the chance. But do take care of your tenderness in this area, ok? And pray that you never have to make amends for it again. Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Oh, Doll... you are not a horrible person. Funny you should post this today. Just yesterday I was writing in my journal about the affects my drinking had on my ability to be the kind of mother I want to be. I have had many of the same thoughts that you are having.
Know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Only you can decide the best way to make amends. For me, it is putting the past behind and being with them, loving them, giving them the attention they need now.
My own father, who was a single parent, is an alcoholic. He was a dry drunk from when I was 4 years old on. He did not drink, but he was horribly abusive.
When processing all this stuff as an adult, there were times when I wished he had drank instead, that way he would have been less focused on trying to 'perfect' me through rage and punishment. There are a million and one variations on what COULD have happened. But the past is what it is.
There was a period in my adult life where I wished that he would make amends, that he would 'own up' to how he treated me. But he did not, and it left me bitter. But as my father's child, God worked miracles on my heart and I was, in time, able to forgive him fully. His own admission of guilt was no longer required. I was able to forgive him in spite of.
Then, years later, out of the blue, he invited me to dinner. He broke down into tears at the restaurant. He blamed himself for a lot of things, including my own alcoholism. I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eye, and said, "Dad, you did the very best you could with what you had. I do not just remember the bad stuff, but I remember a lot of good too. No one caused me to be sick, I was the one who chose to pick up instead of seeking help elsewhere." I then mentioned a 'list' of wonderful qualities my dad possessed, and special things he had done for me in spite of his sickness. God opened up a whole new world for us as father and daughter that day. We now have a relationship far beyond what I could ever have imagined.
I am sure that in his mind, he could never 'take back' what he had done, and no one can take back the past. But God used this very circumstance to bring something wonderful out of it. God is all powerful; even more powerful than the power of the past. Just him (my dad) having made that effort, Doll, made all the difference in the world to me. We no longer feel like a dysfunctional family. We feel like a family of survivors, due to the power of amends, both my dad's amends and my own.
So please keep your chin up, and know that there is hope. My dad saw himself as horrible and unforgivable. Even though I was angry at him, I could not stay mad knowing that he had sincerely owned up and wished wholeheartedly for my love and acceptance. No matter what he had done, he is my dad and he always will be. I reckon this is how a lot of kids feel about or parents. We don't expect them to be perfect. We know they are human. And it takes a big person to own up and apologize. We know that too.
As far as my other role, a mother who has given 2 children up for adoption at birth due to my drinking, I know the horror of resenting myself and wishing I had done things differently. I know that self-disdain well. For over 10 years, I have awakened wondering if my own biological children were/are 'in good hands'. The bottom line is, i did the best I could with what I had, at the time. And I am not the only one responsible for my child's safety and happiness, God also has a huge part in their lives, even bigger than mine and their adoptive parents'. God takes care of those weaker than us, even when we can't. This belief and my faith has allowed me to be at peace, and to live with my decisions. It is just like the 3rd stp prayer, "I can't, He can, I think I'll let Him."
At 16, Doll, you are by no means 'done raising' your son. It is a lifelong process. If nothing else at this time, offer yourself and God a bit of gratitude that he does get to see his mother sober now, today.
You will definitely be in my prayers, and know that you can get through this.
Thank you all, so much for sharing your ES&H with me on this. That and 2 meetings got me thru today and I'm feeling better.
My amends for today; Took the kid out to practice his driving one more time before his test tomorrow @ the DMV, then we cooked supper together.
To My friend who left me a message this morning. Sorry I missed you. THANK YOU for calling. Forgive mysel. Wow. Not one I'd thought of. I'm working on it. I love you, too.
When I first got to AA, they told me to keep coming back. Especially if I wanted to find out how f%$#ed up I really am. That whole 'more will be revealed' thing. It's coming at me by the truck load lately. And it's been quite overwhelming.......but I have survived so far without a drink or a drug today, thru no fault of my own. I give credit to you all and to AA and to my HP.
Love and much peace be with you tonight.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I have always considered you to be a good person. That is what I see from you and the consideration you've shown to me. I just thought I'd share a little with you now....
My father is anA and has been active all my life. I am the eldest child and suffered consideribly at the hands of his disease. I grew up feeling much rejection and fear. I cannot lie and say this was in any way acceptable, but as a young child I knew no better. I considered my life to be somewhat normal....I knew other people did not have to live like this, but I also knew I had to be accepting of my situation.
My fears were immense, and I have had to deal with some horror stories. That's how it was.
But, children are very resilient and loyal. They love their parents whoever or whatever they may be. I'm sure you know this. I loved my dad, as your son loves you. It's just as a child it's often difficult to understand, and so they just accept instead.
As I grew up and had my own issues, I had to analyse and try and figure things out for myself. It was a tough learning route for me. But I got to see my dad's illness, and got to understand it a bit better over the years. That helped me. I see now that he is in great emotional pain, he feels such guilt, and he has lost so much through his disease. He tries his best to make amends to me but it is usually awkward. He has never really learned how to behave around me, but I understand. I feel sorry for him, and my heart breaks at knowing of the love he is trying to show but just does not know how to.
I suppose what I am trying to say Doll is that children are resilient, they have their ways of finding understanding, they can sense your love and your desire to make amends. Also, they are very forgiving....
My dad is still an activeA....and he is getting old now. I wish he had found the strength to recover...as you are doing. That would mean the world to me.
Your strength, and your path to recovery will mean the world to your son too. Stick with it. Make him proud. I'm sure he loves you as much as I love my dad.....(just hard to show it sometimes)
Don't beat yourself honey. That would be no good to anyone...now would it!
