Yesterday my wife and kids were out of the house, and I decided to go to the bookstore, which is where I am going now for my alone time, instead of the bar.
Unfortunately, on my way over there, the urge came on strong, and I ended up going to the bar instead of the bookstore.
Of course I swored I'd only have one. I was even convinced that I would, indeed, just have one.
I didn't have just one.
I ended up very drunk in a very short period of time.
I don't remember driving home. I tried, through slurred speach, to convince my wife I had been at the bookstore, but clearly she didn't buy it. Only someone as drunk as I was could have thought that anyone would be stupid enough to believe what I was saying.
As usual, today I have anxiety, guilt, self-loathing, fear.
I've avoided going to AA. I'm scared to go. But I think I have to at this point if I want to keep my marriage from falling apart.
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Better days are in the cards, I feel. I feel it in the changing winds.... ~ Jimmy Buffett
You can find a small amount of "comfort" in the fact that it was the disease SCREAMING at you. So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and resume your AA duties. Use this to your advantage ~. "wow! I really can't just have one.............".
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Wow, Scott. I think a lot of us have been there. It is indeed a learning process.
AA is like a daily insurance premium. We can't stay sober today on what we 'paid into' (AA) yesterday or last week. The alcoholic mind simply chooses to forget too quickly the destruction alcohol brings.
Alcoholism is a liar and an isolater. It wants us to end up completely alone and full of self-pity, with no reason to live. When we get out and get to meetings, share and ask for help, we are going against what makes our disease so strong. We are letting others' sober healthy thinking filter in. We really need this in early sobriety. I can't stress it enough. In ear;ly sobriey, every day that we isolate and stay away from what we really need, we are giving in to this disease of self and isolation.
My prayers go out for you, my friend. You are not alone. If you stay 'connected' and get a support group in place, you will be well on your way.
I share the previous responses. The Disease "Screaming at us" is just part of early Recovery. The daily attendance of AA meetings, can take the Power OUT of that Raging Compulsion, as Joni said, it is our Disease.
For me to finally Surrender to just that first step, "We are Powerless over Alcohol -and that our lives have become unmanageable" (The overwelhming compulsion part is in here, between the lines.)
I recall those Compulsions very well, I think of my own Disease as a "Sleeping Gorilla" and as you can imagine, Gorillas, don't like being put to sleep.
So I would say that the Screaming compulsion aspect of this truly trecherous Disease, is part of of early Recovery, for most of us, and we have to be so dilligent, and so active, to beat back this monster.
The GOOD News! It does not go on for a really long time, with the aide of a Sponsor, someone that has been through it themselves, they will understand, and help you walk through these moments.
Being PROACTIVE with meetings, meetings, and then meetings, surrendering to just that first Step in the beginning, and continuing the Steps with a Sponsor, has worked for hundreds of thousands of us.
I had over 10 years of going in and out of the Program, why, because I thought that I would be able to do this on my own, I could not, for one reason, THE POWER OF THIS DISEASE called Alcoholism.
I did not call AA, AA in the beginning, on the inside, I called it ICU (Intensive Care Unit) and yep, you bet I needed at that point to go everyday, and what I heard, was the Medicine, that I needed every day.
Good to see you Posting here today, Scott, that is why we are here, and that is way AA, is also there.
Please try not to beat yourself up too badly about this. You are certainly not alone in picking up a drink. I lost count of the amount of times I swore to myself and to my boyfriend that I would never drink again. But, I did, of course. It what us alcoholics are best at doing! We have a disease that tries to tell us that we don't have it.
I tried to hide my drinking, but I simply couldn't. It was such a relief to get to AA and to know that I wasn't alone with my problem and that there was help for me.
I know that it does take courage to walk into a meeting, but you'll be surprised once you are there at how little courage it took. I would suggest that you try a few meetings and take it from there. You are not alone with this, you're really not.
Take care of yourself, Scott.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
