Hey y'all. I had a "close call" tonight. I was really, really having an attitude of "F*** this. I just want to get drunk!" And came really close to getting some alcohol. I had to pray with all of my strength to fight the urge to drink.
What do you do when you suddenly have the "f*** this!" attitude and you literally don't think of the consequences? The kind of "strange mental blank spots" that the Big Book describes scare the life out of me. I had one tonight.
I am grateful to God tonight I didn't drink. I had called my sponsor the past two nights freaking out and she's dealing with a lot of her own crap right now and I didn't want to bug her again. I am very self-conscious and it's really hard to pick up the phone. But I had an internal dialogue in my head about what I thought my sponsor would say to me if I called her. And believe it or not, it helped because I suddenly remembered why I didn't want to drink.
But what if this happens again? I don't want anymore of the "screw this, I'll just get drunk" moments. Any suggestions?
I'm sorry that you had a close call last night, but the most important thing is that you didn't take that drink. Well done! I know that there are times when it isn't easy.
Back in the beginning of February of this year, I had had minor surgery and was in a bit of discomfort. Oh boy, did I ever have a bad case of the 'poor me' set in.
I had been back in AA for three months and I didn't want to drink. I really didn't. I felt that I couldn't 'phone my sponsor as it was fairly late on Saturday evening. I simply don't remember walking to the shop and buying a bottle of wine. I truly don't.
I hit my personal 'f*** it all' button and started to drink. After two glasses, I came to my senses and instantly picked up the 'phone.
Looking back, I guess that I had been 'looking' for an excuse to drink. So, I upped my meetings and shared and shared about taking a drink again. That was when I started to feel that I really belonged in AA. Until then, I hated speaking as I have always been very quiet.
I learned from my slip/relapse one of the major triggers for me. I now have another tool that I can use if/when it happens again. I also learned that the telephone is there to be used. I got as many 'phone numbers as I could and I will always use them.
If I am having a not so good day I read and read all that I can; I talk to other alcoholics; I try to get to a meeting; I come to this wonderful forum and read as much as I can. But, the biggest thing that I can do is to pray to find the strength not to drink. I always try remember that I am not drinking one day at a time.
One thing I did very early on in sobriety was to write down just how bad my drinking had got and the things that I had done (or been told I had done) when drunk. That usually stops me from taking a drink as I just don't want to go back there.
HD, I hope that some of that might help. All I can do is to explain what works for me.
Take good care of yourself,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Oh yes. Been there, done that, many times, will probably have many more to go. The F*** this attitude is easy for me to get past, it's the times when nothing in particular is happening and the urge to drink just blindsides me outta nowhere....
I have a whole "box of tools" just for this purpose. Calling my sponsor, calling another AA member, reading the BB or the 12&12, logging on here, praying, journaling, re-reading what I've already written. And most of all I just hold on till it passes and the good news is, it does pass.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Yeah. Couple more numbers. Hell, their's usually someone on here. I've usually got a browser window open if i'm around, checking in here and there. Your doin better than I did. I didnt call people, I knew what the assholes would tell me. :) Maybe youll have an easier time of it. Now sometimes I called someone AFTER I got drunk.... (if i hadnt of forgotten what it was i figured out by the time i got you on the phone..) heheh Keep it up. time to go to wooooooooooooooooooorrrkkk.. (in a chong from cheech and chong kinda voice) Ryan
p.s. these things will pass. It really does get better. sometimes just ssssllllloooooooowwwwwww... Keep comin back!
I would venture to guess that your sponsor would probably not mind another phone call from a person needing help, no matter what is 'going on' in her own life. Sounds like a convenient excuse, compliments of the alcoholic mind.
I remember when I had to call my own sponsor for weeks on end, and sometimes at 3am... I apologized profusely, thinking about the fact that she had to work early, had proob;lems of her own with her daughters' drinking, etc./ etc. etc... but the bottom line is, 3am or not,
1) she too had had to call her own sponsor at 3am before and knew what it felt like, and
2) she would much rather have me call her sober and hurting at 3am then not at all, and get drunk.
She wanted me to survive this just as much as myself and my family.
Keep coming back, HDoggie. Meetings meetings meetings. Go to meetings until you wake up one morning and find that you WANT to go to meetings. Meetings for me, early on, were like insurance. I found I couldn't stay sober today on yesterday's insurance payment.
We have tools so we can use them. If our 'workshop' is loaded with tools, but there isn't one speck of sawdust on the floor, we are in for trouble. But if we use them daily, we will create something valuable, worthwhile and beautiful... called a New Life.. with the help of our HP and our AA friends.
Keep staying sober, one day at a time, and it WILL get better. Millions of people all over the world can't be wrong about this!!
