I found these notes on my computer about my drinking a few minutes ago and it was horrible to read them. They were written very shortly after I first became sober. This morning they have served to remind me of how bad those times were and how far I've come since then.
Now, I'm sober and have been for quite a few months now. My life is changing out of all recognition to how it used to be. I have some self-respect back and honesty with myself and those around me. Every day is a good and beautiful one now.
I am so grateful to AA and to my 'second AA family' here on the 'Net.
Take care and have a super and sober Sunday,
Carol
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One day I had made a cup of tea one morning. To my total horror I discovered that I was physically unable to walk through to my living room with it. I was shaking in a way that I had never shaken before. I simply couldn't control it. I knew what would stop it, but I didn't take that drink. I was too scared. I realised that I was in a mess. I needed help.
I didn't drink for ten days after that, I was too scared. Then, I began to start to feel better about myself again. I had it cracked this time. And then, I picked up another drink. I spiralled out of control again, drinking more and more and earlier and earlier in the day. I didn't know who I was any more, but I knew that I didn't like who I was turning into.
I dreaded people dropping in on me as I knew that I was unable to make a tray of tea or coffee and carry it without shaking. I dreaded being invited into their homes, as I knew that I wouldn't be able to lift a cup to my mouth without shaking and spilling it over myself. I didn't want to see anybody. I hated myself. I felt great guilt, remorse and shame. I tried to continue with my day-to-day life, but it was becoming harder and more unbearable. It had started to become unmanageable.
I lied constantly to people I cared about and I lied to myself. All I could think about was drinking. All I was concerned about was getting more alcohol. I was cautious about buying my alcohol. I wouldn't use the same check-out in a supermarket, or if I had to I would go to great lengths to explain that I was having a party and lots of friends were coming round. I had endless imaginary drinks parties and dinner parties. I was drinking alcohol out of coffee mugs to hide my alcoholism. I explained away my hangovers as being migraines or a nasty bug that I was suffering from.
I rarely washed myself or my hair. I hardly ever bothered to eat properly. My appearance was rapidly becoming worse and worse and I just didn't care.
It was then I truly knew that I was defeated. I knew that I needed help. I cried with frustration that I couldn't beat alcohol on my own. I just couldn't do it on my own.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thank you for sharing your Private thoughts, from that point of view, before Recovery. We all need constant reminders. I do not have any such writings, but the memories are clearly etched in my mind, all that shakiness, and terror of people coming to the door. The ENDLESS futile attempts to cover up our secrets, and all the dishonesty that was part of it all.
How truly Blessed we are to live our lifes without that internal nightmare running 24/7 in our heads.
Thank you for allowing me to find a place of gratitude and complete humbleness, this early in the morning, good way to start the day.
Thank you again, and hope you have a good day this Sunday.
Scary days, huh? I keep journals too and it can be hard to revisit sometimes but I think it is very necessary and a good reminder of why I never want to go back there.
Yes, Toni, we truly are blessed to be living our lives without the endless nightmare of alcohol in them. Even in sleep there was no escape for me. I would dream of running out or of getting into an appalling situation because of alcohol. I would wake feeling sick to my core with the effects of alcohol, yet craving another drink.
I, too, have such very vivid and scary memories of where I was and where I may well have gone. They really were scary days. My sponsor suggested that I wrote down just how bad it had been for me. At the time, I didn't quite understand why, but now I know that on 'complacent' days it is so good to see my own words of how it was.
Today, I thank my HP for all of his care and guidance. I once read something which went along the lines of "when I pray I am talking to God and when I meditate I am listening to him". How lucky I am to be able to truly pray and meditate.
Have a great day both.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thanks for sharing that. I too recently came across a couple journal entries, each one right before I relapsed. I read them to my sponsor yesterday. It was such a great reminder for me. What NOT to do.......I am grateful for them. If I hadn't relapsed I wouldn't have learned how to open up and ask for help. Thank God that I had the ability to learn and grow from those times. I am stronger for it.
You are very eloquent when it comes to expressing your mindsets, thoughts and feelings .. I enjoy reading your posts and experiences every day on my journey. You are a true artist when it comes to finding the right words.
Alcohol is indeed the 'Great Isolater'. I too was in a world of my own, and with me and my drink at the helm, it was a horribly lonely and frustrating place. On one shoulder, a voice crying, "drink drink drink', and on the other, a voice that cried, "Oh NO!!!" And the road to recovery always looked so impossible and out of reach. Alcohol and sadness were the only 'familiar' things in my life.
You have prompted me to dig out some old journals of years gone by. I did large picture journals years ago, in times of both recovery abnd using. I have not looked at these in years. They kind of made me feel like I would be opening a 'pandora's box'... but now I know it is safe to take a peek. Thank you for taking me with you on your journey. It is time for me to take a good grateful look too.
Have a glorious day, in the rain, in recovery. I hope to someday experioence an English rain!!
after reading this post i wanted to tell you all my last weekend before i stoped all the madness, on friday night went out as always,what a bad night woke up somewhere i had never been before, and very sick,after getting my head cleared somewhat drove 35 miles to my dads place. i was feeling like hsit and promised i would not start this again today, but about noon i said just a couple to get rid of the shakes and clear my mind of the burden of the night before,that night i decided to drive home, 60 miles on a major highway and very busy on sat night,well they got me a blew a .27 (just a couple right) this is when i had to get help,that was the last drink i have had.i have hope now and we are all miracles,and we can so this together, alone we are lost. thanks for being here wagon
