I had a thought on something i figured I outta share. About in drinking, how everyday chisled away a little more of us. But here and there, a little moment of seeming clarity. An occasional sense of well being. A stretch of what seemed like happiness, a change of scenery, something awesome coming along, I'm winning at this thing! Thing's are going my way! By sheer force of will, I will prevail after all. B.S., wasnt it?. every high a little lower than the last, tinged a little darker with desperation. Every low a little lower still.... Day after day. Year after year. On like a train with no brakes.
It was all delusion. Pathetic, mindless, heartbreaking delusion.
What, Ryan? what's the point? Now I feel like crap you jackass!
Heheh. Here's the point. Recovery. let's turn this around here, and rewrite that paragraph. About in sobriety, every day adds a little more to us. But here and there, a moment of confusion. A stretch of depression. something terrible coming along- a change of scenery for worse- I'm loosing at this thing! Thing's arent going my way! Maybe God's will that i'm screwing up to much, and I wont prevail after all! B.S., Isnt it? Do ya get it? Day by day, year after year, getting better. I dont have quite a year yet. I remember a line I read last night, p. 152, 4th ed., 'He cannot picture life without alcohol. Sometimes you outta try that- a sentence at a time. Kinda hard to go forward without a sense of where your going, huh? Your always going forward towards a picture, a sense if you will, of something. I couldnt picture life without alcohol. At the end, I could not picture life period. Now I can. Every day, a little clearer, my thoughts and hope of the future. Without alcohol.
You mentioned "by sheer force of will". Oh boy, was that something that I ever tried? Every day I became convinced that I wouldn't get drunk, again. I knew that I could beat this on my own. I was in control, right?
As you say, BS.
I could so identify with what you said about every low getting a little lower. Starting the day with good intent and yet drinking more than I had the day before; despising myself a little more; causing just a little more chaos. The list goes on for this alkie.
But, it is getting so much better for me now. I am slowly but surely turning my life around. I am gaining respect back; I am growing stronger day by day; daily I am learning new skills to help keep me sober.
Even a bad day now is infinitely better than a 'good' one used to be.
Thanks for a great post.
Take care,
Carol
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
This whole process is truly a miracle, like slowly coming out of a fog. Where I was once afraid to dream of things beyond alcohol, I am not afraid to dream any more.
I sincerely believe that if I am putting recovery first, helping others and getting closer to the God of my understanding, that I prepare myself to receive the things I am free to dream of today.
Rjs wrote: I couldnt picture life without alcohol. At the end, I could not picture life period. Now I can. Every day, a little clearer, my thoughts and hope of the future. Without alcohol.
Isn't this the truth? All the confusion combined with feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness made life oh, so scary when walking in the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the beautiful part of this program..........memories of what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now! Even being able to have hopes, dreams, and aspirations is such a miracle to have taken place in an utterly hopeless alcoholics life! Thanks for the message Ryan! Good stuff!
Walking thru those doors.... A couple of years ago, before AA, I was laying on my Dad's couch in Houston, with a broken back. The end of a particularly brutal bought with the hard stuff. The idea that if you wanna stop drinking, you go to AA had allready taken shape.. He's a minister, one of his books, Christian step book wich highlighted from were in the bible the principal behind every step is drawn, learned me everything about the program. (heheh I still had a lot more coming.) When I got here to Arkansas, AA was on my list of things of things to do- somewhere behind getting my wife and dignity back-. When came that I headed for that first meeting, a phrase from that book kept coming back- The first time we stumble thru those doors- I decided I was going in there with my chin up, walking tall. In front of the door, a small drainage ditch runs under the sidewalk, someone opened the door in front of me, I stepped in that damned ditch, and stumbled right thru that door. The first time walking in a meeting. That line will always bring that memory back. Ryan
