my Aboyfriend is completely draining me with his negativity and his criticism. As far as he's concerned I'm completely wrong in almost everything. (then in the middle of his speech about my faults, he changes mood and starts telling me it would all be okay really if I apologised and could be aware of my many faults................ ) I'm at my wits end. I've told him I want to be alone, by myself, but he won't go away...even sitting on my doorstep when I'm not home.
He's very overpowering for me.
He's been sober only for a month or so, but just really to keep me happy I think. He went to a couple of meetings but wasn't really interested. He's not bothered about - or able to- work a programme as far as I can see.
He's 34, been in and out of treatment centres for a few years now. I think he has mental health issues sometimes. He knows much more about it all that I do.
Can anyone tell me why he does this to me? I know it's not normal behaviour. I've been to Al anon myself and understand detatchment etc, but is seems whatever I do, he just won't leave me alone.......
I can only share experience with you...and working on first coffee...2 brain cells havent kicked in yet.:)
"Fear of losing what I allready had...I overcompensated...and tried to control..."
On the other side...there was no trust...fear of abandonment...and trying to control..
It talks about this stuff in the Big Book..and the 12 and 12
and always being in collision...
Im an Alcoholic...but have also been a member of Alanon for a long time..
I did find out one big thing..
I am incapable of having a relationship with anyone else...until Im capable of having one with myself...and getting on a mature emotional balance plain..
In conclusion..Ive been in situations where Ive tried to control both sides..and Ive been in situations where, Ive allowed myself to be controlled completely by the other side..
I have found that Acceptance is a biggy...
I have to accept that others are where they are at..without reacting to their faults..yet..I dont hafta be a doormatt either...
And the only one I can change...or have the right to change..is myself..and I must work ...and try to...work both programs to do that on a daily basis...
When I first got sober...I was 9 years old..going on 37...
Today thats changed to about 20...going on 58...
Take care of number one eh...and I dont have a clue..whether any of this made any sense..:)
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Yeah what Phil said. Or in otherwords, tell the sumunabitch to get off your damn porch. Sick people need help, not reproduction. Yall will make little sick people, and the asshole will drag you down with him. Run like the wind. You seek any sensible advice, youll get about what I told you, maybe a little more polite. Ive had HALF a cup of coffee, and the bent sideways braincell just woke up. And I dont think for a damned second your going to act upon a damn thing anyone tells you. So here's the rest. Blah Blah blah blabla blah. Time to go to work. Have fun with your pet drunk, my wife sure had a hell ofa time with me. heheheh. heh.
Try reading Chapter 9, The Family Afterward, in the BB. It may help you to have a better understanding.
"Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise......." pg. 125
You're in my prayers, hun.
Hugs!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
yeah, it makes loadsa sense! thanks for sharing your experiences with me...the overcompensation thing and control and fear of abandonment are spot on....I just hadn't seen it that way. thanks for opening my eyes. (Always enjoy!...well...get strength from your posts anyway)
Rjs, well.........actually..........I might just act on it!I Certainly been trying to!........how to move a drunk off your doorstep...??? thanks
Once a very Wise friend of mine said to me, "If you see someone, that you feel an attraction to, across the room in a meeting, this is what you do, you leave and never, ever go back, and it you see that person in another meeting, do the same." After some thought, I did see a man that I was Very attracted to in a meeting, and noticed that he has spotted me, and was watching me to. I followed my dear friends advice, and left and Never went back. People in AA, are not there because they are WELL.
Especially, in the early part of Recovery, so even though you are Not in the AA, Program, my feelings are you could also follow this great advice. Rjs, said it well, when he said you are going do exactly what you want to do, that is a given.
Speaking for myself, if someone approached me in the Program, that was new in Recovery, let's just say I would rather French kiss a Homeless Drug Addict, that let this person in my life today.
Alcohol is only the TIP of the Iceberg, that is a well known fact in this Program. And most front doors, Open to OUT.
What I have so gratefully learned since living a new way of life in the past year and some is that I am responsible for what I tolerate. If I tolerate abuse and critisizm, then I tolerate it. If I tolerate love, compassion and understanding then I grow and thrive. We only take what we choose to take in.
I have left old friends behind who thought so little of me that there was no respect or kindness. Only critisizm and gossip behind my back. I have chosen to treat myself with respect and love. And I expect nothing less from the people in my life now. We attract people to us who will confirm our own belief in oneself. It might sound deep, but I have looked at the patterns of my life for 42 years. It is only when I began to respect and love myself did that respect and love start coming from others because I will not put up with anything less. Even if I had to walk away from those who did not know how to treat me that way. It has changed my life and I feel reborn. I am truly the butterfly I saw last year on my second day sober.
I send you love and prayers. Stand up for yourself and treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Expect nothing less and nothing less will come.
With hugs/Jo
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I granted myself the gift of sobriety and found my spirit.
In my opinion - I think he also has control issues. Here's something that I posted a while ago but I think it may help you. I received this from a case worker from a women's shelter. I hope it will be useful to you and help you realize that he is abusing you - maybe not physically but emotionally and mentally. That is what I see from your post.
THOUGHTS TO LIVE BY:
DON'T USE LOVE AS AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE!!!
You make me feel unimportant. You treat me like a child. You put me down. You don't like my friends. You get angry when I see them. You don't want me to succeed. You undermine me, nothing I say or do is correct. You think the things I'm interested in are ridiculous. Everything is rational, and calculated to you. Your not supportive of my work. You don't take me seriously. You want to own me, and control everything, but people aren't like that. You can't run my life or get your own security from possessing me. You can't expect me to spend my life trying to be what you think I should be.
BUT I LOVE YOU!!!!
This is from the Kabaeshiwim Women's Shelter
Annmarie - I also agree with what the others have posted.
Later - Jeannie
-- Edited by jeannie at 15:43, 2006-08-08
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Was re-reading this Post from yesterday, and what term jumped out at me was the term, "Black-Belt" Alanon. One of the men in my meetings is always referring to this as something that is a lifetime aspiration of his. It also reminds me of the First page of a Book, called "Co-Dependant No More". Worth looking into, from my little 2 cents prospective here.
I hope that when you read the responses to your "dilemma" that you found, what I was taught, many years ago, in my Home Meetings. And that was the pause before responding, and making sure that what was communicated back, was coming from a Loving Place. If my own response to you was not seen as coming from that Loving Place, my apologies to you, dear, maybe a little too much "tough love" in it, was my take anyway. In AA, we call it 10th Step work.
Hope today finds you feeling a little more peaceful.
Hi....tough love, yes, I felt it! But I am also very sensible and level headed....most of the time! I know that "tough love" is the only way at times, and I do what I have to do. Yes, I am codependant...was brought up n an alcoholic household and had codependant relationships etc......but I'm getting better. I hit my own very tough rock bottom and am fully aware of my recovery programme and what it requires. I'm doing the work!
But, I am also very aware that people who are victims to the disease of alcoholism...are primarily people with feelings and emotions just like everyone else. They need love and care too. I do not agree with berating anyone. I know we are all human and require support at different times in our lives. From what I know of the A's in my life, their vulnerability and need for love just make me want to give that love.
When I was at a low point in my life, I had support. I was lucky. I think no human being should be denied support. Isn't love the greatest gift of all?
So, I know I am codependant albeit in recovery, but I am also a considerate person...maybe sometimes I give too much...but maybe sometimes the people (whether A or not) in my life need to feel love and care...
The reason I come here for advice is that I know I will be given it straight. I will be given a clearer perspective.
Then I read posts like Phils "Don't be fooled by the mask that I wear"....and I know it's okay to care. I am in control of myself an my own recovery.
My boyfriend and I have big arguments when I'm trying to set my boundaries...but I know what I have to do. I'm much healthier now that I was a few years ago. I know that....
I know your words were well meant Toni, as were the others. Thanks for caring.
Thanks, AM. As you can plainly see, I DO need those prayers!!! LOL
I did not intentionally infer that you cause any harm for him... I get a little over-enthusiastic when it comes to taking care of ME today, coming from deep CODA issues myself. My pendulum had to swing ALL THE WAY to the other end of the spectrum of codependency before it is hopefully now a little more in the 'center', if that makes sense. My "Get the F*** Out" button, yes, very necessary in my own mind, but at those times in my life, I didn't know any other way than to just basically fight for my life and my freedom from toxic relationships any way I could. I probably didn't say that in so many words, but that is what I certainly FELT when I was dismissing someone from my daily life, in order to take care of me. With people like this left to fend for themselves, my take is that it probably got better for them, too.
I enjoy your perspectives here on the board, and it is a gentle reminder for me that I CAN be 'gentle' and still take care of me.... SOMETIMES... LOLOL
