A year and a half ago, I was a newly-wed. I had been sober for over 2 years and had gotten caught up in the blessings of a 'semi-normal life', so much so, that I was no longer putting my program at the top of my priority list. Job, new marriage (first time married at age of 32!!), new home, step kids... lots of change and not enough recovery to see me through all that change.
I remember that night when I picked up... I called a friend. I was ticked-off at the world. Nothing was 'wrong', but I was so tired. I had built my life around the wedding, our jobs, finances, etc...I was not going to meetings regularly anymore, working the steps or giving back. I was restless, irritable and discontent. My husband had gone out of town that day, headed over 1,000 miles away to pick up his boys and bring them back for Christmas break. With a dull ache inside me, a lot of generalized fear and very little defense, I had made up my mind... to just have one drink. With that one bottle of something-or-other, began a month of on-and-off binges, drugs and all. I managed to 'behave' while the boys were here, but I was clearly not myself. I could not hold it together. I ended up using at work.. in a doctor's office, after hours. I quit my job. I violated the tail-end of a 3 year probation I was on, and I went and told my P.O. and counsellor on myself. I asked for some intervention, because I couldn't GET sober again, even after all that time I had had sober...
I was put on house-arrest for 60 days. I was relieved, and so was my husband. He was baffled. I had told him before we married that I had a dangerous case of alcoholism and drug addiction. He was still baffled and shocked when he saw just how far down I slid in such a short time. I continued counselling. I rested a lot and went to tons of meetings. I was open and honest and humble about what had happened. I took responsibility for NOT taking responsibility for those months before I relapsed, and ultimately, for making the choice to pick up again. I could have lost EVERYTHING.... I had lost a great deal before... licenses, cars, apartments, jobs, relationships, educational opportunities... the list goes on. This time, I didn't lose anything but a job I was not happy at. But what I did lose this time was my CHOICE. When I picked up again, all of a sudden, I had no choice again, from the first drink. I took the experience and have been RUNNING into the arms of recovery ever since. I do not take one day of this for granted, and I hope I never do again.
I am so glad my husband was a 'staying' kind of man. He was spiritual when I met him, and he is spiritual now. He was one of the ones who prayed me back to health. He became close to my sponsor and my support group. He was willing to do anything in order to be supportive of my mental health and recovery. He read parts of my Big Book in order to understand better. This is someone who really truly loves me.
I love myself again. I believe that I had love for myself even when I picked up, I just made the choice an alcoholic tends to make when he or she is not 'connected' to the program. What you people taught me about love and self-forgiveness gave me the courage to continue the journey and stay out of self-pity so I could again get better.
So I celebrate just another 24 hours today. If I died tomorrow, I could honestly say that I have gotten in life more than I could ever have hoped for... especially a sober day called today.
Congratulations on 18 months sober. That is really great.
Thank you for your honesty about your relapse. I had spent just eight weeks in AA and I was turning my life around and starting to feel good about myself. Then, I picked up a drink one day. There was no real 'excuse' for me doing that. That was me back 'out there' for 18 months. I was so desperate to get back to being sober, but I didn't want to face the folk that I had known at AA and admit that I had been wrong.
During those 18 months I descended into sheer hell. I reached the point when I couldn't imagine my life with or without alcohol. I didn't want to carry on living. I didn't have a life, just an existence. I hit my rock bottom with a sickening thud.
That was now 9 months ago. I'm now regularly going to meetings. I have thrown myself at this wonderful program of recovery. I'm working the steps to the very best that I can and I'm doing everything that is suggested to me.
Today, I can look at myself in the mirror and not shiver with loathing and hatred for what I see. I pray every single day that I shall never pick up again. That is my biggest fear.
Joni, well done. You are amazing! You are also a great inspiration.
Have a super day,
Q
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Eighteen months, that's awesome Joni. I big hug to you. And a wonderful reminder of how easy it is to get caught up in our daily dance, forgetting where we came from. That's what I love about my morning devotions. They may take place in the shower on busy days, but spending that morning time with my HP reminds me of who I am, and Who is really in control. Love Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
