I find myself in a bit of a dilema (what's new, right?!). I went to the beach with a couple friends and all was great until the sun went down or it was time to find a restaurant to eat in. They are all social drinkers, and a trip to the beach means drinking! Twice I opted out of dinner and I pretty much barracaded myself inside the condo or went down to the beach alone to avoid being around the alcohol. I CAN NOT be around alcohol AT ALL! I learned this the hard way! I have to change my playground and my playmates I suppose, but these 'girls' have been my friends for 15+ years and I am the alcoholic, so who am I to ask them not to drink around me! I don't LIKE (and most don't trust) the folks at AA well enough to be social with them and I only have one friend who doesn't drink at all because he's diabetic. So, my question is, now what???? At 40 yrs old, where and how do I find new 'buds' who don't drink, to hang out with? I'm single and my son is almost grown so he's not around much anymore! I can't isolate, as I know this will lead to stinking thinking, which leads to drinking! Am I doomed to a life of work and meetings only?!
Any suggestions?
-- Edited by Doll at 11:53, 2006-07-28
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I agree, the Rock and the hard Place stuff. And most of all I think it is so great for you to see what you can and cannot do, right now.
If they have been your good friends for all these years, have you thought about telling them, that for now, you absolutely cannot be around Alcohol, (your quote) and that would simply put ball in their court, maybe one of them, or two, might say to you, well, o.k., I understand, and we can hang out without any alcohol. To me it would be like saying to my friends, say that only went out for Ice Cream Sundays, if I had been diagnosed with Diabetes, I cannot be around Sugar. Well maybe that is not the best analogy, but just my little opinion here, just tell them about your problem honestly, and how you would miss them so much, but for right now, anyway, you cannot be around any Alcohol.
Hope that you can find a solution to this, I have always had friends that were not in the Program, and when I first got Sober, I did tell one person, my favorite friend, and she said "no problemo", we remain the best of friends today.
I hope for your sake that this turns out for the best, and out of that Rock and Hard Place, not a fun position to be in.
Toni
I just wanted to come back and add a PS, I read many years ago, I don't recall where, I think it was in a CODA book, anyway, it talk about the way to communicate when stress was high, and it referred to speaking from the "I see, I feel, I want" start any statement that is high stress will keep the other person off the defensive, as if you started the communication with, "you", it stated that any communication that starts with "You" will automatically put the other person on the "Defensive". I have remembered to use this old formula in high stress communications, where a change had to take place, there were no guarantees that came with it, but it made it so much easier, it lessened the stress, with the " I can, or I need", etc.
Hope that this situation is going to improve for you.
Alcohol is all around us....We can hide in a closet...in fear...or we can fully accept..that others can drink it..and we cannot...
You Will...come to the spot...where it doesnt bother you..being around it...
But...for now...its like teasing a wild dog...and not expecting to get bitten...
My first sponsor....shared with me..that I could not be around people that drink....have it in the house...or even be within thinking distance of it..for the first year...He was right...
It took time...and it took time to get close to people in AA..trust thing..
If Im with someone thats drinking today...I'll have a virgin Caesar...with good old tabbasco sauce...and my mouth will be so damned hot..when Im done...the last thing on my mind will be booze..:)
Social stuff? I have periods of loneliness...I know that the last thing I need in my life right now is an emotional relationship...Cant handle it....still healing from old stuff...and forming relationship with self...
Take it easy on Doll eh....You got a lotta livin to do yet gal....Give things some time...Higher Power will sort it out for yu...
Thats my babbling for today....You are not alone...and I DO understand..where youre comming from...
And some days..are just not..a bed of roses... Hugs ehhhhh :)
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
It took me a long time to be comfortable being around folk who were drinking when I first wasn't. Now, it's fine with me, as long as it doesn't happen too often. I have told most of my friends that I am in AA and they are very supportive. Also, I'm now building up trust with a lot of folk at my regular meetings and it's nice to socialise with them. But, it didn't happen over night.
There is one guy with almost twenty years sobriety who goes to one of my regular meetings. He often says that in the early days for him "if I didn't want to slip, I didn't go where it was slippery". That one has always stuck in my mind.
Take care and take it one day at a time,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I've been SCREWED royally by a few in the program in my HG! I've extended the helping hand of AA just to have it bitten off! I've been lied to, I've been stolen from and had one chick who called me 5 times a day everyday, wanted to hangout, turned out she just wanted someone to drive her around and feed her sorry ass! The ones in my HG talk a lot of BS, they talk the talk, but don't walk the walk..... A lot of them are on ' the marijuana maintenance program' or take way too many prescribed pills and readily admit it!
I'm not saying all of "us" are a scary bunch, just the ones in my part of the world that I've had the opportunity to experience first hand.......
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I've heard of this kind of stuff going on. Never really met anyone that used drugs and called themselves sober. I agree, there are people, whether newcomers or old timers, that are stuck in there ways, or in themselves I should say. If this meeting bothers you as much as you say, why stay? Find a different one if you can.
I'm kinda stuck going to the same club for meetings. That's just the way it is though. If I had a license I would sure like to go back to meetings which I still love to this day and miss very much. I have become irritated at people at the club, but as I've been told, over and over, 'when I'm angry, I'm wrong'.......sucks to here but it is the truth. I hear that St. Francis Prayer echoing in my head now. 'not so much what can be changed in the world as what can be changed in me and my attitudes'.....or something to that effect.
I just wanted to ask you, I don't know where you live, if it is a somewhat rural area, then you might not have the real opportunity to just go find a new meeting. I was thinking of Wren's post yesterday where she said that where she lives, there is only l meeting a week, 3 men and 2 woman, so it obviously must have do with location.
Remember that song, "Time for a Cool Change" loved that song. And could apply many times in my life to situations, people, places, things, that just stopped working for me. Not really a geographic, just a strong need for a healhty change.
I just hope that you can find a meeting where you feel good about going. Druggies, and Pot smokers, would be such a big turn off. We can usually look at someone that is not healthy, and when we get through the annoyance of it, we can say "There but for the Grace of God, Go I. But if you have a prevalence of more sick people that healthy ones, that would also be a Big Rock and and A hard Place, if you don't have the choice of another healthier meeting.
Sounds like you have a full plate, and I Prayer that the Social stuff, and the AA Meeting stuff, can turn around for you, soon.
Chin up there you are just a youngster, Work and meetings are important in you life now but there is a lot of living to do yet. I am 66 years old, Married to a great lady for just a little over two years. and know I am not ready to quit living yet and you shouldn't be either. I still have that drinking thing hanging over my head but going to be working on it soon and am lucky that I am not a social drinker and don't hang out with people who drink so should be easier for me.
I didn't 'trust' people in the program either, at first...
but the longer I went, the more i found myself associating more and more with people in AA who had the same kind of lifestyle I did... we were just more 'compatable'...??? There is no use in saying, "well, I got burnt one time too many..."... people in AA are as varied and different as people out there on the street. I stopped looking only for people who NEEDED me... and my associations changed.
I do offer help to the new gal (with BOUNDARIES in place now), but as far as my AA Family, I have a group of very close friends, women, whom I know are serious about recovery, have jobs, are married (or not), have similar lives as I do... we are just compatable in more ways than just our recovery. It took time to find these women who are now a strong part of my circle of friends for 6 + years... It took a lot of different meetings, and alot of 'initiating' conversations and such on MY PART... but, as usual, with time, God did give me what I needed. Now I have sober women pals to go to the Lake with, go to dinner, go shopping, lay around either my house or theres and have coffee, even take a short trip with now and again.
I think when my own boundaries got better, my attraction to healthy friends got stronger.
