I was at a meeting earlier this evening and the main speaker said that she was "loved back to sobriety". I thought that that was a beautiful thing to hear.
I needed to hear that as my boyfriend and I have been hitting problems recently. We separated due to my alcoholism and we have been trying to work things out. He has been staying with me for the past two weeks.
I have been working the steps and regularly going to meetings. But, I knew that there was a gap between us. My going to AA seemed to be a barrier between us and I tried my level best, without breaking any confidences, to include him in all that I was doing. I truly don't think that I could have done more.
I lost my driving licence and I depend on folks for lifts to and from meetings. The lady who usually drives me to my Monday meeting couldn't go and she told me last night. I thought about it and concluded that I wasn't desperate for a meeting. But, I had a birthday card for a wonderful member who was celebrating her fifteenth year of sobriety and I felt that I just couldn't let my home group down. So, I booked a taxi.
Earlier today, it was clear that things were going wrong again at home and I decided that a meeting was the very best place I could to. When I got back, my boyfriend had packed and was gone. There was no note and I didn't know what to do.
I checked in the cupboard and he had left a half finished bottle of Scotch. I immediately poured it down the sink or I know that I would have drank it. I called him on his mobile and he is staying in a nearby hotel. It was a miserable 'phone call to have to make.
We have agreed that our relationship is over. I feel devastated and completely guilty. I feel that I should have done more to reassure him that he was still so very important to me. I feel guilty that I put him through years of hell. I feel guilty that I am an alcoholic.
This evening, we have agreed that after fifteen years, and all of our hopes and dreams, that it isn't going to be. I feel truly gutted. But, I haven't had a drink. He has a plane ticket booked for tomorrow morning and doesn't want me to 'phone him.
Tomorrow, I'll have to start on 'loving myself back to sobriety'. It's just that right now, I feel utterly unlovable.
Thanks for listening.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I know you know this, but wanted to say it anyway, but you are loveable.
Not sure how long you and your b/f were together, but it sounds to me like he could use a good dose of the 12 steps himself. Odd as it may sound when our loved ones find recovery through AA or NA, we (non-alcoholics/addicts) can get resentful. Part of it stems from the fact that we no longer feel needed or that you are spending time at AA and that can lead to more resentment and jealousy from your loved one.
Since I don't know the details (and I really don't need to) I am just going from what I have see happen in other relationships. I know for me I was very very confused at my resentments towards his time away. Only when I began to focus on me did I see that I was just as sick as he was.
You didn't do anything wrong by putting your recovery first. As a wife of an alcoholic I know that when he is sober that without his program he has no hope of staying sober.
Well Carol...I'm glad the box of Kleenex, is close by..because this share brought up a lot of emotional stuff, within this kid...that ..if I'm truly honest...I'm still healing from...or trying to..
And yup..It hurts...it hurts like hell...
I'm usually not one, to be lost for words...but I am on this one...
All I can say...even tho I'm a male...is.."I feel your pain"
You are loved gal...You are loved...
And youre right...Picking up a drink..doesnt make it any better....Hugs to yu..Hang Tough!!
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
I remember hearing this from an AA counselor over 10 years ago, "The alcoholic wraps his/her arms around the bottle, their codependant wraps their arms around him/her, and they both proceed to get sicker and sicker. When the alcoholic begins to seek recovery, if the codependant can not or will not work on their own recovery program, they will have problems accepting the changes in their alcoholic."
For whatever it's worth.
You cannot blame yourself for trying to make a change in your dependancy. Dwelling on the past remorse, or worry about the future leaves us alcoholics straddling (and p...ing all over) today.
I really am feeling for you right now, Life seems to just have a way of turning over those cards, in our hands, the ones we don't want to see, and can feel like a Mack Truck just ran into us. I do know what devastation means. That's for sure.
I was reading what Dan had to say, and I ditto that, I also recall my own husband in a reconciliation, screaming at me that he wanted his "wife back" That one threw be a curve ball, I remember thinking "you want the Drunk back"???? I had about 1 year of Recovery, and we had started over, and he would pout and get all tempermental with my Meetings everynight, he worked out of our house, so I wasn't going to see him anyway, he just did not want anything coming before him. And have to tell you AA, did have to come before him or anyone else, if I was going to hold on to my new Gift of A sober Life.
I had some very devastating news this week-end, and what did I do with it, just kept saying out loud, I am Powerless, I am Powerless, went to a meeting and did not talk about it, instead I talked of the Blessings of 12 step work, up and out of my "S---t".
Feels like this is one of those times, when NO MATTER WHAT we don't drink, in this Program of Recovery, the No Matter What's can be pretty painful, and I can feel that you are in a lot of that.
I just wanted you to know that I feel for you dear.
I don't really have anything to offer, other than my sympathy and a big warm hug. Keep on loving yourself and you will be all right. And if you can't love yourself, let others love you until you can. That's what I'm doing right now. *hugs*
Any situation that involves grieving is difficult to endure. But doing it sober, at least we have a chance. The way I see it, I have come too far to entertain thoughts of going back to the 'way I was'... I will surely never be able to have any kind of relationship with anyone, ever, if I do.
Anyone who seeks to love us or have an intimate relatinship with us alcoholics must realize that with our disease, EVERYTHING... and EVERYONE must come second-fiddle to our program, or we die. Some 'normal' folk are perfectly OK with this... some aren't.
What I DO know, is that if we stay sober one day at a time through the pain, loneliness and sorrow, through the grieving, that in time, we will heal and love again... and in good healthy ways.
I love you and feel a heavy heart for you tonight. But God brought you to the point where you now have a support group and you know you can reach out at any time. We are fortunate as alcoholics to have that kind of support.
I love you and wish I could wipe your tears away... please stay here and keep letting your light shine on us, Carol... through the happiness and the pain.
"What I DO know, is that if we stay sober one day at a time through the pain, loneliness and sorrow, through the grieving, that in time, we will heal and love again... and in good healthy ways." ~jonibaloney
This is so true, Carol. I had just gotten out of detox, came home and found my baby girl gone, most of my music collection, and a man I thought I'd loved. I remember sitting on the porch swing, so swallowed up in pain I was afraid to breath. In fact, I was hoping I'd stop breathing. And time passed, and life went on, and I looked back and thought, "boy howdy, how did we stay together, what messed up dynamics between us". And I learned to love again, just a little more cautiously. But I waited a very long time, before I got emotionally involved again. I needed to know just how to even have a normal, healthy relationship. Well, as close to one as I'm able to have (not sure if one really exists). So give yourself a breather. You know, everything happens for a reason (which at this time probably makes yu want to smack me). And take this time for you, you and you. Sounds like you may have allowed yourself to be pushed to back burner status for too long. So learn to love yourself, look inside, get closer to your HP, and thank the HP that you are able to move thru this in sobriety. Big hug, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
Thank you all for your wonderful words to me. You will never know just how much it means to me. I have been given some truly wonderful advice, all of which I have taken on board. I can honestly say that I don't know where I would have been without you all. My sponsor has a few problems of her own right now and it was too late to 'phone her yesterday evening. But, I'll be chatting with her later today.
Today is a new day. My heart is breaking and I feel colossal guilt, but I shall not drink today. Right now, I am doing it minute by minute. I recited the Serenity Prayer over and over gain last night and I'm doing that now.
Thank you everyone for being there for me. I am lucky to know so many wonderful and beautiful people.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
