I have a question, and I am stuggling for words, which is not always the norm for me.
My husband and I have been together almost 9 years, August 12th is our anniversary. And during that time he has been in and out of the program. And once during that time, he and I seperated, his sponsor (at the time) told him to. He and I were sperated for one week shy of a year. We saw aechother quite a bit we have children together (at the time my oldest was 2 and I was pregant with our second child), but we weren't "together". One of the most painful times of my life, but I grew so much. His sponsor and I even sat down after hubby and I got back together and he wanted to explain to me why he suggested it. I told him I that know I can see how sick I was, and even thanked him for it. I learned so much about me.
Ok why am I telling you all this?
Fast forward to last week.
My hubby's new sponsor (hubby still active) has been helping him to assemble paperwork to be eligible for a really nice job. He finally finished it all and called me last week to let me know it was ready and he would be dropping it off. (Hubby is in Alaska fishing that's why his sponsor is calling me.) He then said okay you know the only thing stading in his way, and I answered yeah him (my hubby). And he said yeah. He then said I should do everything I could so that hubby stays sober (hubby is clean/sober because he can't drink/drug on the boat company had 0 toleralnce policy). I then tried to tell him that I had no control over hubby's addiction. I know at times I can make it easier than others for him to have an excuse to go out. His sponsor would accept that. He said that if that was my attitude, then maybe hubby and I should not be together. I then invited his sponsor to alanon. Hehe he told me no.
Ok, sorry finally the point, I work my program (alanon) I use my tools, and I think I am a pretty healthy person (there are a few srews that will never be tightened as the once were, but I actually like them a little undone). But I am terrified that once again another person is going to step in and say she is to unhealthy and you should leave her.
As I was writting this a thought came to me. Please tell me if I am wrong, but I hear denial in his arguement that I have control over this. If my hubby's addiction was in my ability to control I would have "fixed" him years ago. I was the perfect co-dependent, I tried everything. But I have met several people from the meetings here (AA and NA) that agree with that I have control over it, maybe not complete, but some. I don't believe I have control, but influence. If I poured him a glass of alcohol or loaded the pipe and put it in front of him, he still has a choice, but I am influenceing him. (Which I have never will I ever do those things)
I know I am projecting, and if this had not happened in the past, I probably wouldn't be scared. But I know my hubby really values this man's opinion and listens to his advice.
So I was wondering if anyone has suggestions on how to talk to the sponsor, is it common to suggest that a spouse leave a spouse? (Really wincing as I typed that, I know in alanon we don't suggest that) I am confused and feel blind sided by a man have come to love and respect and of course since hubby is out of state I have the committee going off in my head, and they won't shut up. Honestly I felt like he was telling me that I wasn't a good enough wife becasue I can't keep my hubby clean/sober.
Yu know gal? It lights my fuse when I see things like this...it really does..
A sponsor has no right to give advice..or suggestions on anything...outside of the AA program...We are not marriage councellors...lawyers...doctors...or advisers..
And I have no authority in any capacity..to give you my true thoughts on this one...either..
I do know one thing....Ide like to have a head to head talk with the sponsor..and share about what the capacity of a sponsor is..in AA...He might have a resentment by the time I was through sharing...
Good luck with this...all the best to you and your hubby..
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Thanks, I posted this on my alanon site as well, and I already knew the answer to the question, but couldn't hear the healhty person over the old fears and worries of the past.
Thank you. The committee is becoming quieter, maybe just needed to get the thoughts outa my head.
"What God has joined together, let no MAN put asunder." Hmm...
That was wrong of someone to suggest separation. Just wrong. No one has a right to decide that. It's between the married couple and God. I'm sorry your dh's sponsor said that to you. Wow.
"We had to QUIT PLAYING GOD"... Big Book, Alcohiolics Anonymous
Also, chapter 7, on working with others.... "we (as sponsors) are not to be the A's banker, taxicab or marriage counsellor"... (something to that effect). has this sponsor even taken the time to READ the Big Book???? (Taking short shallow breaths....)
Then, what I have to wonder, is what on earth is your husband telling these sponsors? May need to have a talk with your husband, on a level of, "I just want to know how you feel about my role in your life/recovery... is there something I am clearly doing that does not promote your spiritual growth?"... done in an effort to maybe clear the air, keep the relationship open and honest.... et al.?? Just throwing out some feeble ideas here...
Strange, but I was just at an AA meeting tonight with some pretty heavey-hitters in AA in our area speaking on the topic of sponsorship. Sponsors MUST absolutely read Chapter 7, "Working with Others" of our Big Book... it gives the clear cut guidelines on exactly what our roles are, and what they are NOT. Another suggestion was the AA approved pamphlet on Sponsorship... widely and readily available.
We are taught, time and time again... in fact, it is literally POUNDED into the BRAINS of AA's that we do NOT know what God's will is for ANYONE else... (relationships included) that we all have to go through what God allows us to go through to end up where He would have us, down the road. We are only supposed to pray for God's will for ourselves... and for the power to carry it out. I have been to many an AA Founder's Day, and heard many many 'double-leads' givem by the A and their spouse, both at the podium together.. and God can do ANYTHING in this world to repair a marriage... ANYTHING. We are taught that if we really want it, we can stay sober NO MATTER WHAT... even if our spouse continues to drink alcoholically... it is never about anyone else but US. Not all alkies choose to stay in such relationships, and that is their choice, but it can be done, under any circumstances, if we want it badly enough.
I am disgusted and sickened with this 'advice' that was handed down. How rotten and wrong of him. I really wish that people in the program would crack the book open once in awhile... especially when dealing and working with other people... but then again, who am I....???
With ALL the love and support I can POSSIBLY muster,
Joniabloni
(LOL... this unknown man will be on my next 4th Step... guaranteed!!!... now you KNOW I'm sick!!!!)
It is to bad the sponsor didnt come to alanon he would learn about being controlling and fixing people lives. Ha.I understand your fear but trust your hp and your program and I probably would if me talk to my husband and see where he is at.who decides if someone is a good wife or bad one .Surely not their sponsor.
Work on who you think you are and not what others may or dont say.it seems to me you are a great wife you work your program and you love and want to stay with your husband .
.
