Read this somewhere... the endless 3 point cycle of active alcoholism:
EXCITEMENT DEPRESSION ANXIETY
Excitement: (gettin’’ loaded, goin out to clubs & bars, meeting other drunks, gettin a false sense of “comraderie”)
Depression: (wakin up to discover all the excitment and all the people.. are gone)
Anxiety: (fear about stuff you did and said whilst drunk and money you spent etc.)
Somebody posted on this board about how some people cannot seem to imagine life without alcohol. He likened it to clinging on to the bottle for dear life as it goes round & round in a whirlpool which is slowly dragging it down whilst people try to throw lifelines from the shore.
Oh boy, can I relate to that or what.
My perverse thinking now is.... I am thinking every single day or picking up the phone and getting back into AA... but I am afraid, terrified infact of something... which is:
I have been in and out of AA for so long now.. over 10years maybe... even longer. Stay for a few months, few weeks, few days. Sponsors, steps.. the whole deal. Then drink again and leave... the endless revolving door.
If I go back THIS time.... and end up leaving AGAIN.. well then I think I will just give up. I will have convinced myself I really am a hopeless case.
I am trying to wait and wait.. until I am so sick that the only other option is death... and THEN return to AA. Maybe it will work then.
Twisted alcoholic thinking I am sure.
I miss Toni Baloney’s presence on this board. Don’t think I have ever identified with anyone as much as I do with her... but thankfully I am intouch with her via email
I always hear "It takes what it takes" to get sober. Some people have to be almost dead.......some people don't. I hope that you get to where you need to be sooner rather than later. You're in my prayers......Just know that AA is there for you whenever you are ready for it! Take care.
Jen
Phil--I hope you're not getting our hopes up.....I have this problem with expectations and, well, you know..........
