I am always hearing "This is a disease of perception" I have been thinking alot on this lately.
I have for many years perceived myself to be a worthless person. Not good enough for my husband and daughter, not strong enough to quit drinking, not nice enough, not popular enough, just really not worthy of a good life. As I continue this journey I begin to feel like I am worth something. I have the ability to help another alcoholic. To be a good friend. To enjoy life. That I don't have to be punished for what I have done in the past. That God loves me for who I am now and who I was as well. These thoughts sometimes make me feel that I am patting myself on the back and when I feel that little bit of self confidence I automatically start beating myself back down. That is the way my mind works. Don't start feeling too good about yourself! You really aren't all that! I am searching for self respect and dignity. And humility. It is elusive to me right now.
Any thoughts? Maybe I am not really grasping the concept of humility......I keep thinking I can't be humble and feel good about myself at the same time. That can't be true or we would all get drunk again.
Ah, yes! What a 'double edged sword' it is for me, also. One thing that helps me through these times is remembering it's my disease 'talking to me' that I'm a sick person trying to heal, not a bad person trying to be good.( My sponsor says "it's OK to toot our own horn once in a while" )
-- Edited by Doll at 10:36, 2006-07-22
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
One night I got to set the agenda for the meeting and I asked for one on being humble and what was humility. I don't remember all the conversations, but one stands out in my mind. He said that when he first came into AA he would tell his story which was a very, very sorry story indeed, after a few years of this, someone after a meeting said they thought he was being dishonest, and he was totally suprized! they said they knew him, and he was not at all like his story, it made him think. So he said thaat being humble to him now was being "right sized", being neither better nor worse than what he was. So now he tries to assume responsiblity for his screwups, right them and try not to do it again, but also to acknowledge the good things he did. I think we are all a combination of good stuff, and not so good stuff, and it is ok to acknowledge both sides. And, I think it is definetely all right to be proud of our journey in AA.
Hi Iffer... nice to hear from you, and enjoying pondering this post!!
Part of my problem with this has been that when I feel unworthy, I am living in the past... keeping alive old feelings that were caused by, and perpetuated my drinking and drunken behavior. So for me, staying in the present helps. Things are not always rosey in the present, and I am not always rosey, myself. But I was not put on this earth to be judge or jury to anyone... and this includes myself!!
My God forgives ALL PEOPLE. I am not so 'special', or 'especially bad', that I stand out as someone whom He's still pondering on whether to forgive or not!! God knows my heart, and at least some of the people in my life do too, since recovery.
To feel not so isolated anymore by being active in AA, active in my family and in my friendships, is where it's at. When I am actively involved in life, sure, I must take inventory, but I am not obsessed with myself and my constant criticism of myself. If I'm thinking about myself enough to beat myself up, then I'm simply thinking about myself far too much (selfishness)!!! LOL... the Big Book says that 'maudlin self-loathing is really pride in reverse'.... something to that effect. So self-loathing is just as dangerous as being overly-prideful.
It's OK for me to love myself and forgive myself and be proud of myself on the very same level that I would love, forgive and be proud of my very best friend. I have to learn to BE my own very best friend!!
I am still working on, and have a lot to learn about humility ... this is all stuff that's been shared with me before ... I am looking forward to reading more responses on this topic!!
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