don't know how to handle this....

annmarie · Veteran Member

don't know how to handle this....

Doll · MIP Old Timer

My suggestions;

Until HE is ready and willing, nothing will change. Save yourself. Do not enable him. Pray for him to be given the gift of true desperation.

Good luck, hun. You're in my prayers.

jonibaloni · MIP Old Timer

annmarie,

I posted this yeasterday on a different board, and it was well-recieved.

...don't ever deny an alcoholic his/her suffering.

This statement is so meaningful to me, as a recovering alcoholic and as a sponsor of an alcoholic.

All the enabling, butt-patting, caretaking and 'rescuing' in the world did not get me sober. Being at a place where I was literally BEATEN down to my knees by my disease was the ONLY thing that got me willing enough to STOP the insanity.

Sure, I hated my family and loved ones at first. Sure I cursed them and begged for mercy and help. Sure, I 'ran away' out of revenge. But in the end, I came walking back (not even crawling), head and heart in the right place, and thanked them.

We have had many celebrations as a family. We celebrated when I got a job and kept it. We celebrated when I got my own place and kept it. We celebrated when I got my 3 months coin, my 6 month coin, and so on. We celebrated when I got my very first sponsee.

And we celebrate every day that we did whatever was necessary as a family, trusting God to take hold of this disease and do with it what HE would have us do.

I have just under 18 months sober. In the past 5 years, I have slipped twice and gotten right back in the saddle. My family did not panic; they just kept going to Alanon and me and God worked my problems out.

The last few weeks has been especially hard for me. At 18 months, I have been triggered a lot lately... and have not understood why. The reality is that I am still an alcoholic, and will have rough patches. But I have NOT picked up...I have used the tools of my program, and I am close to being my normal happy helpful self again, after just a couple of weeks of 'struggling'. I will celebrate the best 18 months yet, in 2 short weeks.

Very grateful to Alanon for encouraging my family to kick me out, then BUTT OUT, and let the miracle begin.

Hope this helps.

Jonibaloni

annmarie · Veteran Member

Thanks doll and jonibaloni,

I had read your post (J) and did find it very useful. It seems to me that i still come across as enabling him in his drinking. I really did not think I was.

My dilemma is that I do not think I am enabling him at all. I constantly try not to. I don't lie, cover up for him. I don't pay his debts etc. He has to face all his problems.

Maybe I need to just leave him altogether, is that it. I will do whatever...including walking away...if thats what it takes. I don't know.

I am seperate from him in that I have my own life. I don't revolve my life around him anymore. I think he can see this now and is desperately trying to keep me with him.

Maybe I need to go.

jonibaloni · MIP Old Timer

I would never ever tell another person to leave someone.... I don't know what God's will is for ANYONE else....

I only post(ed) what I needed to go through... it is not necessarily the answer for everyone.

Whatever you end up doing or not doing, sounds like you work a good program and have some sense about you... keep trudging and I am really glad you are here on MIP.

Jonibaloni

annmarie · Veteran Member

Jonibaloni,

a confusion here I think. I know you were not telling me or suggesting to me what to do at all. I absolutely understand this.

I was just thinking out loud for myself maybe....just trying to find my own reasoning with it all.
I have gained much strength from your posts on this and the other side.

Thanks for you reply,

You're in my prayers,
AM

jeannie · Senior Member

He knows I'm thinking of leaving him. I feel I have no choice if I am to save my sanity. He knows in order for me to get better myself I cannot be dragged into this insidious disease anymore. He understands that, and I know he wants the best for me.

Just ask yourself one question - Do you really/truly/honestly want to be "dragged into this insidious disease anymore"? In my opinion - and remember this is my opinion - driving him to his first few meetings until he finds his own rides and a sponsor would help. Sounds like from what you have posted that you have been through your own hell and back again. Now that you are working and taking care of yourself he wants to drag you through his hell. That is his stuff that he has to deal with - not you. Yes I know you care and love him but there is only so much that you can do. You can not work the program for him - he has to do it himself. As you know as well as I do that the program does not work us, that we have to work it ourselves. I wish you and him well.

Later - Jeannie

Quetzal · MIP Old Timer

Hi Annmarie,

I cannot offer you anything more than my own experience as an alcoholic. My drinking steadily escalated over the years until my long-term boyfriend simply couldn't take it any more and he moved out. It took me a further year before I turned back to AA and got the help, support and guidance that I so desperately needed and wanted.

My boyfriend is currently staying with me for a holiday and we have talked a lot about my alcoholism. I am now very open and honest with him, which was the one thing that I could never do while I was drinking. I truly thought that he was being unreasonable but I can see it so very differently now. I know that I have caused him so much hurt and damage. I wish, with everything that I have, that I could turn back the clock.

I couldn't/wouldn't accept any help until I was desperate enough. It had to come from me.

With all best wishes,

Carol

thief · Member

annmarie wrote:

I told him he should do whatever he has to....he knows better than me really.

Hi Annmarie,

I think the first thing he has to do is admit that he has a problem. If he can't do that, then whatever effort you put into it is totally useless. Remember, you are dealing with alcohol here- cunning, baffling, powerful!

"Without help, it is too much for us"

Unless he is willing to get "meaningful" help, there is nothing that you can do for him. You can't help him, you can't fix him and you can't babysit him. Maybe the best thing that you can do for him is to do what is best for yourself, whatever that may be.

Sweetheart, I will pray for you and for him and I will pray that he gets the help that he needs.

-- Edited by thief at 15:49, 2006-07-21

brad · Newbie

As a codependant you are quite vulnerable to getting caught in an alocoholic web. They say alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. If you boyfriend wants to really change send over a couple of AA members to talk to him. After that only time will tell if he really wants to stay clean and sober.l

annmarie · Veteran Member

Everyone,

Just wanted to thank you for replying and giving me the insight I was looking for . I can see much clearer now.

I pray for him to receive his gift of desperation but sadly all I can see is him killing himself everyday . I know I cannot give him this gift.

You're kind words have helped me more than you know.

You're in my prayers
AM