Way too much running around in my brain. Just can't turn it off. So just random rambling thoughts to follow............And to make matters even more interesting, "the man in my life" told me yesterday I "wasn't THE ONE for him". Wow! .......Can it get any better? Yes. Can it get any worse? Yes. Do I want a drink? No......... Funny thing is, I wasn't really all that hurt by him telling this. Guess God has a better plan. Like getting some recovery in me first! "Close your legs and open the BB, Jen" is what my sponsor would say, if I would call her! I'll call her. Soon. Gotta get over some of the shame and guilt I'm feeling first.
OK. Next thought. If I'm powerless over alcohol, then how can I ever overpower it and stay sober? Or does the "powerless-ness" apply only after taking that first drink. Cause I know as long as I don't take the first one, then I'm good! Right? How's that go, "its the first drink that gets you drunk" ? AA has so many slogans and most of them I hate, but it never ceases to amaze me how true they are. It took some pretty smart drunks to come up with some of that stuff..........I read somewhere alcoholics are usually quite intelligent. Now that's pretty ironic, huh!
Next thought. Why can't I call my mother? She lives 500 miles away, has no clue I fell off the wagon, wouldn't know unless I told her. I call her every weekend and I just couldn't bring myself to call yesterday. My mother has many 'icks' not alcohol or drugs but mental stuff that was a trigger with me for so long. I had managed to manage that one. She wasn't even in the equation of my drunk on Friday! So why can't I call her?!
Last one. I'm glad I came back here. I'm happy you all have let me back in. Just typing out my pitiful little self-centered random thoughts has helped.
So, good night all. Thanks for letting me ramble.
Peace be with us all.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hey Doll. I think the powerlessness, for me anyway, comes even before the drink, before the thought of the drink. It's that tiny vacuum inside, sucks my thoughts into it's belly, my belly, anywhere away from my brain. My thinking is drunk before alcohol ever reaches my system. So for me, I am powerless. Even reading AA, going to meetings, not drinking? I now have choices and power over my life, atleast to some degree, but still not over my drinking. I'll never have it again. I'll never have it licked. Oftimes my thinking is every bit as self destructive as if I were loaded, and that's when I have to stop, take stock of what the hell is really going on with me, why am I running, what am I trying to smother because I can't stand the thought of feeling it. Make any sense? It's been a very long time for me, and when things get rough, and damnit they still do, there are still times I crawl into a fetal position and just feel the feelings, let them hurt, figure out the lesson once I can get my breath back. Sometimes it still just sucks, but it'll suck whether I'm high or not. It's just that the sucking part will stop at some point. It'll get better. My drinking/drugs will not stop, and they won't get better. They'll just get me dead, or worse leave me with wet brain. I've a friend with wet brain. Never got the physical crap that I got, but she turned her brain into mush. She never got a DUI, but then again, she can't finish a sentence or a thought, either. And this was my best friend, my drinking buddy. Guess I'm glad I got so wrecked physically. My body will heal, given time. Her brain won't. Jesus, I'm getting morbid here. Anyway, Doll, nope, I'll never have any power over alcohol, I can only keep it at bay. Just for today. Maybe just for this hour. If I truly had power over it, I could have just one, eh? When I'm feeling disappointed in myself, feel like I may have let someone else down, I don't call 'em either. Not til I'm feeling grounded again. There's my ramble for the week. Hope you're sleeping and feel better when you awaken. Hug, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
"you're not the one".... yet you didn't get drunk!! That right there is awesome, Doll!! Maybe you knew, deep down, that HE'S not the one, either!!!
Sounds like some Aretha Frankiln is in order.
When I started telling on myself, it got harder and harder to 'lie' to people, if even by omission, to people in my family about my drinking, So I am right there with ya'. Just chalk it up to the program making you a more honest person today.
My powerlessness over alcohol has two facets: a physical craving and a mental obsession. When I drink, I'm powerless over stopping. When I'm not drinking, I am powerless over the fact that I will think of the drink. Putting the plug in the jug stops the physical craving. The only thing that can stop the mental obsession is a spiritual awakening through the 12 Steps. Sure, a thought of a drink will pass through our minds at times, but it is no longer an out-and-out obsession that can't be stopped. When I think of drinking, my second thopught is "Call your sponsor", "Think about what it will do to you", or simply, "DON'T". Before the 12 Steps, I had no control once the first thought came. Now, because of the 12 Steps and my loving Higher Power, I get the miracle of a second thought. It's as simple as that, for me.
In the 12 & 12, it talks about how after we begin Step 11, some of our own will power returns... but it is a changed will... more in line with God's will. "It is the proper use of the will..." That when we see or think drink, we will recoil, as from a hot flame. So the Steps, for me, are the process by which my mind and spirit changes so that at least I have a fighting chance. Even if it is as simple as picking up the phone whwere I normally wouldn't.
Hope you got some sleep. Keep us posted on how you are doing with all this change in your life!!
I know for me when I slipped I didn't call my sponsor right away. The funny thing is, when I did call her she said "So, what's going on with you?" and she knew. I didn't even have to say it. I felt soooo much better after I did call her though. She has been wonderful to me and all she said was "Well, we are alcoholics, that's what we do, we drink....Do you still want me to sponsor you?" Of course I said yes if she would still have me. She laughed at that. She said she can't make me not drink but she can show me how not to. And she thanked me for reminding her why alcohol is not an option for her today.
Every time I go to a meeting and they read How it Works I hear that If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it.....and I think YES I want what these people have! I want to be happy joyous and free. I want to be a part of life again.
I am just over a month since my last relapse. It only took me one night of drinking too. My husband kicked me out and I was ready to kill myself after ONE NIGHT of drinking.......Insanity.
Thanks for being here and sharing your thoughts. I'm really glad you're back!!
I just had a "hiccup" myself in recovery Sunday night. But the very best thing we can do is get honest and "out" ourselves right away. I only avoided my sponsor for a couple of hours and I'm glad I didn't run away this time. I didn't take the easy way out.
It is awesome that you didn't drink over this! Keep sharing--it does help, even if it's just angry ramblings (which I've been famous for lately). Something about the power of the pen, voice, or keyboard really helps us. Weird. Keep sharing with us how you feel. Hang in there!
I finally fell out around 3 this morning. It's now 10am, and my brain has settled some. Reading your replies and trying to take them all in is a bit overwhelming at this point. I'm here to tell you, after 9.5 months of abstinence, one night of 2 fishbowl size margaritas and 4 beers brought it ALL back tenfold! It's almost as if I never got sober the first time. Almost. The difference this time is I have a little AA experience and so this time I believe in the hope! The physical part and the dreams and the restlessness and the anxiety 'attacks' are exactly the same as they were the first time around and I drank for over 25 yrs! WOW! Now if that doesn't tell me something, I need that 2x4 and somebody hit me in the head with it!
Phil, chicken little is 'looking' ....... 'seeking'..........no so much 'dancing'
Wren, thanks for sharing about your friend and alcoholic 'thinking'. Confirms for me I'll be OK today.
joni, R.E.S.P.E.C.T ? that's the only Aretha song I know and yes, you're right, he's not the one for me either.
and Jen, (wow we have the same name) thank you for calling your sponsor and sharing that with me. I know mine will be happy to hear from me, too.
HD, thank you!
One day at the time!
-- Edited by Doll at 10:34, 2006-07-11
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
