I had been though so much as a cild as a teen with abuse that I learned to cope by saying all is ok.I learned how to be funny the life of any thing i was into.
I got a strong relationship with my Hp God i thought my prayers were even of all was ok.
My friends spoke of me as the stongest woman they ever knew.i was on the pto board a girl scout leader on and on.
After my break up wih my ex a as i caught him with someone he met in aa. I started alanon and had a nervous breakdown sounds funny but it was one of the best things that could of happen.
I kept in alanon and got more real and honest some meetings all i did was cry.
It took almost 3 years in alanon and I started to learn who I was I had no clue .I just recently got into counciling and am dealing with all the abuse and it is helping.The night mares started back but I am faceing my demons not easy but it is the only way I can heal.
i read some one reponse to a post and it said when i was first in aa i had all the answers and was giveing out encourgement like i had it all together any ways something close to it.I shook it was me .I even do that on here I think at times so I thought for today I be real I dont know any thing and I dont have it together all the time.
I am sad even though everyone around me probably here even cause I am starting to laugh alot and am so outgoing it doesnt show but nuderneath i think i am starting to grive.My mom died 3 years no tears no tears of all the stuff that happen to me now a sad story someone else getting hurt i cry never cried over my divorce just left.
I did cry over my sister getting killed by the drunk driver but only once so and my ex a in my life i cried when i left him.I cry alot just not over stuff that happens to me.i thought as i give advice or comments on here i mean them from my heart but for my recovery i need to be real with you today and let you know i stuggle to .
i am single parent raiseing a teen so you know how that can be.
i know this is long just working on my reovery thanks for listing.i am not sure why i posted this here and not on alanon , i will look into that later .
I am glad you are getting counselling. I went to therapy for 5 years and I still might need to go back sometime in life... who knows. Sometimes just knowing you are doing every possible thing you can do for yourself is a reason to hold your head up. I am glad you are here and I value your experiences that you share here with us.
Sounds like you are on a good path. We all have to face our demons whether we want to or not. No one is perfect! We all have our pros and cons. Hopefully after some time in the program the good starts outweighing the negative. This is a family disease. Alcoholism. My alcoholism effected everyone around me whether I thought so or not. I really believe the steps are the answer. The way to a better life. Hopefully after some more time I will be able to share 'my experience' with the steps. Just have to keep moving forward.
Getting Real, and staying Real. That is the "ticket to ride" for me. I have noticed that on this Board lately, well let's just say it has not been feeling too Rosy. Seems like we are all working overtime in keeping the Glass half full. But it takes what it takes, and it we are working overtime at seeing that glass half full, then we are closer to the glass being half full.
I have to get and stay honest, sometimes in the great program, life feels so good, and we share that. And when it is feeling rough, then we share that openly too.
There is a person that goes to my group meetings and always talks about "keeping it Positive" Thank God, I have a co-Sponsor that just shares my outlook of "What"??? She has 30 years of Recovery, and if I cannot trust my own feelings, at times, I can borrow her's.
To me 'keeping it positive" was one of the reasons I drank, had to look good, until looking good wouldn't work if my life depended on it. And my life did depend on getting real, not the looking "positive" all the time.
When I can go back to how I came into this Program, I can and do get a rush of Positive energy. I was a hopeless drunk, and I have not had to pick up a drink in over 16 and 1/2 years. Just that big detail in my life can make me go back to simple humility, and gratitude for this Life saving Program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
But the daily living can and does go up and down at times, but I use to tools of this Program. I am Powerless over Alcohol, and I am also Powerless over just about everything else, except my own Recovery, I am responsible for that. And the meetings in Alcoholics Anonymous can keep the glass half full, when I can not seem to feel that. And what is that, only a feeling, and as I have come to learn, just a temporary glitch, that can be erased in any meeting, if I take it there to have it adjusted.
Having just done my step 5 with my sponsor, she has advised me to go for counselling about an incident that happened to me 16 years ago. It felt so good to be able to talk to her and to try to explain how I felt. Like you, I learned to cope by saying that I was just fine, when I was dying inside. I'm now finally learning to come to terms with what happened.
It's good to see you here, Dori. Thank you for your post and for your honesty. God bless you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thank you for your comments .One of my sponsors told me once that you are as sick as your secrets are.I had thought some of my past stuff was things I take to my grave.I am working on them in my councling and you knwo I feel saner is that a word lol it must be a Texan work than I ever have but I feel craizer too does that make sence.
I guess some of the reason I came and stayed at this site not just that you all accept me .Deep down I always thought I was alcoholic without drinking dont know if that can be true or not but it is just a stong belief I have had and never really wanted to say out loud till now really.
I also come here cause some of you have a good case of recovery and I want it but to keep it real their are times my draw to helping a alcholic is part of the ole me and I got to get back to step 1-3 I am powerless and turn my will over to my Hp which I call God.I would not be offended if you said to me you didnt cause it you cant control it or cure it.
Now Dori dont pick up my package do your recovery.i remember some times things were said to me especially in the begining i didnt like but those are the steps or slogans or things people said that got me closer to sanity.
I can tell you one thing. Those cliches or slogans. Me and alot of other people I know at one time or another have felt the same way as you were talking about. Someone told me this too shall pass. I was thinking man you are an *****. You just don't understand. Sometimes I still think like that but not as much anymore. The way I saw it those cliches were verbal weapons to use on the newcomer (me). I can laugh about it now, thank god.
