Hi Lisa,

When I first started reading the Big Book I expected things to just magically happen for me. I guess that my screwed up thinking was that if I read it from cover to cover, then I'd be 'cured'. It took a little while, for me, for any passages from the Big Book to really take on a meaning. I would read parts of it and completely relate, then the next time I read them, my brain was trying to tell me that I wasn't an alcoholic.

One thing that I did learn really early on, was not to project even beyond the next minute. This alcoholic just couldn't do that safely. I can decide not to drink just for today. But, anything more than that is still way too scary for me to contemplate.

I started back with AA in November 2005. All I could see was Christmas and New Year looming ahead (and my birthday, too). I didn't know how to handle it. Then, my sponsor told me to keep my thinking in the day. It did work.

I wrote out my step 1 and whenever I was tempted to have a drink I would read it again. There it was in black and white, my own admissions of being unable to have just one or two drinks. From very early on in my drinking, I could never have just one or two. I would always end up blind drunk and in a blackout.

I wouldn't wish rock-bottom on anybody. My own long term relationship fell apart because of my drinking. After living together for ten and a half years, my boyfriend had no choice but to leave me to save himself. We're working on it now, but it hasn't been easy.

Take good care of yourself, Lisa, and try to keep going one day at a time.

Carol

Hi Lisa,

Seems like we all have thinking disorders, that's my take anyway, I do not have a diagnosis of Bipolar. But when I had about 2 years of Recovery, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and it scared me so much, I had spent my life running away from something, I did not even know, what is was that I was running from, but I did know I was running from something. And a little relief came to me when I asked about that diagnosis, and what it meant. It meant that I needed to go back, and retrive what was blocking off my own life force. It took me almost a year of interviewing doctors, (4), and found a person that I thought someday, I would be able to trust enough, to go forward with the work required. I went through 7 long years of Age Regression work, with Hypnosis, and used the Program daily, it was what is called a Dual Diagnosis.

I had the Disease of Alcoholism, that I did know, for I did hit what you would call a Rock Bottom, and the other diagnosis was PTSD, it was actually a relief to me to know what the "other emotional and mental disorders" were, (that is the part in the How it Works that is read at the beginning of all AA Meetings) The part that decribes "those who can not or will not Recover" I could always relate to that, as I could not grasp the Program, and became a chronic Relapser, all the way to the place where the Disease was going to put me in my grave, if I could not do the simple Surrender to this simple Program.

When I was doing that work with PTSD, those were the most difficult days of my life, and at the same time, the most rewarding.

I now had the insight to see that I had 2 seperated Disease, both needing Treatment.
Like a Double Pronged thing.

So when I could see finally that I had two very seperate illnesses, though connected
through my "running away from, not knowing what I was running away from". When I UNDERSTOOD that, I then could do the work seperately, and together at the same time.

There are people that are not Alcoholics that suffer with both, PTSD, and BiPolar Disorders, so they need treatment for only one disorder.

But the Alcholic that has two, very seperate disorders, and we have to do Double Work, but that double, at least to me, can be actually a Blessing,
in disguise.

I have been told that I did make a complete recovery from the PTSD, and the Blessing part for me, was when my family was hit with a horrendous Trauma, 6 years ago, I had the Tools of the Program, and the knowledge of the PTSD work,
and it saved my Life, because I walkd through that Life Threatening Crisis, with My own Clinging to a Power Greater than myself.

Today, I do not have anything to run away from, Alcoholics Anonomous has taught me how to live in TODAY, and when the memory of that Trauma comes up, I work overtime in that Living in TODAY concept.

Not all, but so many of us have a two-pronged illness, or illnesses, and when we treat them seperately and TOGETHER, we get better, One day at a Time.

I will always have that "different Wiring" in my brain, and I accept that today, becuase of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have some time in this program, and I do acknowledge, that I am not still here, cause I'm well, and because of the "wiring problem" this Program is a Lifetime thing.

An accumulation of years, I do see now, has no REAL meaning. It is only a 24 hour Program. Whoever wakes up the morning first, is the one with the Most Sobriety.

Just wanted to write to tell you Lisa, you are NOT Alone, and in the beginning, I do remember, that having that dual diagnosis, would always want to DRAG ME Down,
That is the Disease talking to you, my dear, that is my take.

We walk through some really tough things in Recovery, but we have the Tools of this Program. When people used to say to me, how can you go and walk through you Son's Trial, EVERY day, for 3 years, for most people, I would smile, and say thank you or something, but to another Alcoholic, I would simple say, If I am not sleeping, I am Praying. And they understood that completely.

We all have our own Hand of Cards in Life, and this 24 hour Program teaches us to walk through what ever card turns itself over. because we now have a Higher Power that can guide us through, when the tough Cards turn themselves over.

And my take on what you said about a Rock Bottom Bottom, well I don't know about the Rock Part, but it sure seems to me that what you are describing is a pretty hard bottom. Someone said many years ago, "that a Real Rock bottom is Underground".

And this Disease wants to take us all there, that is my Recall.

love and Hugs to you Lisa, and Please remember just one little thing, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.

Toni



-- Edited by Toni Baloney at 12:46, 2006-07-09