My sponsor said part of getting sober is... something like... it's like having an onion and the layers are going to gradually peel off and you have to deal with each layer as it peels off and learn how to deal with it and move past it... well my past came crashing down on me Thursday night, I just started thinking about all these terrible things I've done and things that were done to me, I'd already started getting depressed before then but Thursday night I just crashed, and I'm still depressed from it even though I'm not really thinking about those things all that much. I just feel like complete shit right now. Last night I was thinking about how I just wanted to drink myself into oblivion and get rid of how I'm feeling. I didn't though. I might have if I'd been home alone and been able to go out and get alcohol, but my husband was here. I made an appt with my counselor for Tuesday, the soonest I could get in, to talk about some of the things I'm dealing with right now... and I called my pdoc and he's putting me back on a med that he had just taken me off of because apparently it was helping some, I started getting depressed a couple of days after I'd completely gone off of it. So I'm doing what I can at least... I just feel so bad right now though.
I'm sorry that things aren't going too well for you right now. Your sponsor is right about the onion peeling back and revealing different layers. For me, when I was drinking I drank to cover up the layers that I didn't like. And, by doing that, I just produced more rotten layers. But, it really does get better (God, I used to hate someone saying that to me!).
I have been at the stage of so wanting to drink because I felt dreadful with/at myself. I would replay a scene over and over in my head until I had distorted it out of recognition. Then, I would drink on that. In the end, I just wanted to get and stay sober so badly that every time I wanted to drink I would sit read AA literature or 'phone someone else in AA. Right now, it's working for me.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and take very good care of yourself.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Sounds like your thinking way too much! I just went through the same thing with step 4 and it about drove me nuts. Had to put it down. A couple close friends in the program had to tell me a couple of times that that wasn't me. That was me controlled by alcohol and drugs and I am not that person anymore! And the thing is I don't want to be that person anymore. That's one good reason why I keep coming back!
Actually, some of those 'layers' prompted me to start getting outside help for things like codependency, self-esteem, and other things... just my experience, though. You can use this time to draw closer to your HP and become more reliant on him than ever before... just pleez don't pick up. You will be in my prayers and I know you CAN get through this with God's help. BTW, tried any 12th Step work lately? "When all else fails...."
