Wow... such good stuff on the "Anger" thread... all stuff I needed to hear. Would like to continue with this very important subject for those of us in recovery. Had another thought, on anger:
True, I am a very important part of a few peoples' daily lives... but to most, I am just a speck in that person's day. Co-workers, customers, people I run into in the store, gas station, etc... For me to expect all these people, to whom I'm a mere 'speck', to tailor their actions and attitudes around my well-being and satisfaction, is ludicrous. (EXPECTATIONS)
Likewise, in the ways they do not suit me and my plans and designs, for me to carry this around with me is to allow others to live rent-free in my head. When I am offended, I can practice saying, "How important is it?" over and over in my head.
So really, how important is it? In the grand scheme of things, that one or two or even three people in this particular 24 hours are not behaving to my liking; that they may even be unaware of how they are offending or even hurting me; that they may, in fact, be fully aware of what they are doing, will matter little in the few 24 hours ahead, and even less in the long-term. When I hold on to this resentment toward them, I am not hurting them at all... I am hurting me, by squandering precious hours that could otherwise be focused on something positive.
I am not suggesting that the new person is 'flawed' if he or she cannot yet think this way and on these terms. The practice of choosing not to be angry takes time. The evaluation of anger and resentments is outlined in Chapter 5 of the big Book, "How it Works", where it begins to give instructions on Step 4.
For myself, my days are a lot less anger-filled than ever before. True, my anger can be subtle at times, but still there. Through practicing a spot-check inventory of what is bothering me (Step 10... more inventorying), a lot of times nowadays, once I stop for one moment and simply say "NOW why am I angry?" A lot of times, before I have even gone through the rigamarole of 'my part', 'fears', etc... I can often just say, "It's gotta be about my attitude... and I am the one focusing on it here, right? Is it really worth me focusing on?" This can often nip it in the bud.
For more deep-seated and personal anger and resentment, I talk to my sponsor about it, or another objective individual. Sometimes I just need to simply butt out of someone else's target practice, and stop throwing poison darts of my own. How long am I going to stand at the Gorilla's Cage and throw popcorn at him? I have the choice to go eat my popcorn somewhere else.
There's another saying I love, "Love thy neighbor... it will drive him crazy..." LOL So true at times!!
TIME.
It takes time to pick up all the many tools of the program, and practice to use them effectively. I always have room for more tools in my toolbox, and I get a lot of them right here on this site, and in meetings-meetings-meetings. Admitting that we are indeed angry, not being ashamed of it, and allowing ourselves to feel it is a great beginning. Giving ourselves permission to feel is paramount to recovery. Letting our angers be known in a safe place, with a safe individual is important. Allowing ourselves to be loved and accepted and permitted to feel how we feel without judgement is one step toward healing the hurt.
feel... release... feel... release (I learned that right here on this site.)
Thank you so very much for such a super post. The timing of me spotting it was amazing and it really calmed me down and made me think.
For the last few days I have been on a pink fluffy cloud. I knew that it couldn't possibly last and I did make the most of every moment. But, yesterday, my pink, fluffy cloud turned into the biggest and blackest cloud, complete with sharp spikes, that I have ever seen.
I really was a very angry person and nothing seemed to be going right for me. I behaved like a small child and had a major temper tantrum. I was stamping my feet and shouting at the unfairness of everything. I stood in the Gorilla's cage and hurled the entire tub of popcorn at him!
Then, I really did try to calm down. I went to a meeting and chatted with my sponsor. That really did help me. She 'phoned me this morning and that helped, too.
I know that it is OK for me to get angry. That's part of life. I know, too, that it's what I do about it that matters.
Today, instead of my alcoholic head getting its way, I sat and meditated, read the Big Book and said the Serenity Prayer over and over again. Than, I read your wonderful post.
Then, I calmly sorted out my wretched computer problem.
Total bliss. I'm at peace with the world and myself again.
Have a super day, Joni
Q
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Feel.......Release...........Feel.........Release. LOVE THAT.
Anger..........When I feel anger as someone, I force myself to STOP feeling the ANGER just long enough to look at it.
First, most of the time, it will not represent anyone actually doing some wrong to me...so I can first clear that up..........then I force myself to ask myself.....if that person is not a Loving Child of God........just like me........and if that is the case...........then why am I holding on to some anger at them....seems the answer is always the same.. it has to do with them not doing something ..........I thought they "should do"...that one makes me laugh.........then ask myself, force myself.......to ask myself........if their behavior is REALLY any of my BUSINESS.....when I think this through......I get to see that the error started in my thinking....and can end there in my letting go of an incorrect thought. Pretty simple stuff.
Resentments are the NUMBER ONE OFFENDER IN THIS PROGRAM........this is the one I use my abilities with the DILLIGENCE of this Simple program....to once again rid myself of any resentments. they can feel small starting out......but I do believe if they are not handled immediately.........they have this incideous habit of growing and growing.......and the POWER TO TAKE ANY ALCOHOLIC DOWN.
I have a very Loving God in my life, that is the Director of this thinking, and more than that this feeling of Anger........go to Him with the Question...about another.. and with and only with His Guidance...can I walk through this emotion of anger. I get the clear message first, if I have been forgiven, and I do feel I have been, then who am I to make a judgement that would trigger this anger, anyway?????
My take on Anger. The one thing I have the hardest time with, is the anger, I feel sometimes, at myself. the regrets stuff. That's the one I work on the most.
My sponsor once told me to pray for my ex a and to pray for all the blessings I wanted for me on him.This is just after I caugght with someone he met at aa and decided to not be in the relationship and let him go I wanted to pray for him for a bus to run over him and her but to pray blessings but I did it hard to hate someone when you are praying for them,
Not sure how it affected me but I can tell you it helped me not be bitter or hate and let go of one one part of my heart.
One of the traditions is God do for me what I cant do for myself I cant tell you how many times I prayed that prayer and now there is no ex a in my life no abuse no caos and I am learing to deal with the deep rooted anger scarey but necessary I think to really heal .
Right now I'm kind of embracing my anger. I've held my emotions inside for so long that I know all this anger needs to come out or it will eat me alive. Today I was writing my first column of my resentment lists--just the people. And it was a huge list. I kept writing and writing. I kind of laughed at myself because some of my resentments were so stupid! But it was like a release for me, sort of like punching a pillow or something.
But afterward, I knew I had to relax and get out of the nasty mood I was in, or I'd end up drinking. So I did some relaxing, enjoyable reading. Something light-hearted. And then I can get out some more anger and frustration tomorrow.
For now, this works for me. I'm not quite ready to "let it all go." I'm just now recognizing it for what it is and not being ashamed of how I FEEL. I can work on the "stinking thinking" a little later, right? One step at a time--even if it's a baby step.
So true at times!!