I have been in contact with some of the people here, and it has just really grabbed at my heart that the Paralyzing Emotion of Fear, seems to be in control of some.
It takes me back to a class on Self-Esteem that I took at a Junior College. I took this class because I did not have a clue as to what self-esteem was, (not sure I still do), but anyway in this Lecture series I took, the Instructor spent one whole session, 1- 1/2 hours on speaking of the emotion of FEAR. She talked at length about some that could not leave their homes, agraphobia is what they call that, and how some will mask the emotion of fear with so many other things, like being kind of a clown, to offset the fear inside, and the one thing that stood out for me was what she said about the paralyzing aspect of FEAR. That it was the one emotion, of all our emotions that had the Power to knock out all the other emotions, and take someone completely over, unable to access any other emotion.
For me, I have always called my Alcoholism, the Fear Disease. For many years Alcohol worked for me, I used it successfully to cover up my fears inside, I do not believe that "normal" people drink Alcohol to hide the fear inside, they drink, I think, but who knows really, just to unwind from a busy day, or just to relax.
I never used Alcohol for those reasons, I used it to take away the fear of people, anyone really, all social situations would need a little fortification of one good strong drink, so that I could feel like they did, normal, not fear driven. My own sense of feeling inadequite, were over-whelming, never knew why, I just knew that was who I was.
Married, had children, I did not use Alcohol at home, spent many year being the Perfect wife, the best Mom, I was crazy about my children, they seem to give me a new life like I had never known, but if I had to go out to a Social Situation, it was mandatory.
Then everything changed, got a divorce, was a single mother, and worked all the time, raising my children, started using Alcohol to unwind from the pressure of being a single parent.
Awe , then comes the Progression of this use of Alcohol, and the need for it increased with my fears in my life.
Then the Cucumber turns into a Pickle, then I lived a 10 year Relapse period of my life, where in the last years, the Program of AA, was not even an option anymore, Alcohol had me, and I was down for the count. Tried taking my life twice, and on the third try, could not even do that, and I finally caved into the Surrender, did not want to live and could not seem to die.
In this hopeless drunk state of mind, I began my Recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe to this day, that there was a Power greater than myself, holding this horrible sick woman together.
With fighting off these fears, 24 hours a day, using my little 24 hour a Day book, and going to a meeting, everyday, just listening, or trying to listen, sometimes my fears were so LOUD, I could not hear anyone. But I did go back everyday, did not get a Sponsor in that first year, just walked in fear everyday, until the fear began to lessen. At one year, I was so completely AMAZED at the fact that I did not drink, in spite of my fears, for 365 days, it was unbelievable to me, but I had done this with the help of this Power greater than myself. I to this day do not take credit for my Sobriety, and have discovered in my life, that a Power Greater than myself, is what guides me in my life today.
I am no longer a Fear Driven person, the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, is where I found my home. And taught me through the active and thorough working of these Steps, that I am out of the Grip of the Disease of Alcoholism. I owe my Life to this simple Program.
But I do remember those years of Fear, they now belong to who I used to me, not who I am today.
This Post actually turned into my story, but there is a reason for that, I could no more have spoken of that emotion of Fear that drove my life, all my life, that I could have jumped over the moon.
Today, I can, this Life Saving Program has turned my into a woman of Faith, not a person living in Fear.
So to those that are stuggling right now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and NO MATTER WHAT, just don't drink, and your life will start to take on a new meaning and this Program, yes it can show you how to not drink, one day at a time, but you will know the meaning of the Promises that are in this Program. They are there for ALL of us, no matter how far down, we have gone.
Just had a need today to talk about that Fear, seems to running the show for some, but the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous will change that.
This Disease is a KILLER Disease, if left untreated, just like so many other Diseases that are Classified as Terminal.
My deepest Prayers go out to you today that are suffering with this Disease.
Love and Hugs, Toni
I truly hope that this Post made sense, in this little 24 hour a day Program and just for today. And it is just my take, on this emotion.
I hope everyone here reads this post.I am not alcoholic.I am on other side but porgram is program and it gave me hope and encourgement to face my fears .I have a fear of most men and fear of abandoment so thank you for those words I will work on it and let my hp God lead me though the steps again to work in those areas.
Some one when I first came in the program.I came in to save my boyfriend and our relationship .He said to me alanon maybe wont save your relationship but it will save your life.I was so angry I could of spit nails.He was right it didnt save my relationship but it saved my life.
Thanks for the share Toni. I actually read the whole thing! Will wonders never cease.
I could identify with you alot on certain things you have gone through.
I think I use humor sometimes to mask fear. Sometimes don't even realize I do it!
When I find myself in situations or around people and I become uncomfortable I still struggle without having that crutch to take away that paralyzing FEAR.
I have also heard fears can be put into three categories:
Fear of Death
My examples:
fear of unknown
fear of illness
fear of losing my mind
fear of the process of death--dying a slow painful death, drowning, or burned by fire
fear of losing control
Fear of Others
Examples:
fear of embarrassing myself in front of others
fear of serial killers, muggers and rapists
fear of someone wanting to beat me up (also fear of death)
fear of abandonment
Fear of Failure
fear of "going back out" (also put in fear of death column)
fear of getting fired (also in fear of others)
fear of being a horrible mother/wife
fear of the fourth step (the step I was working on before I relapsed for a year)
I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of them right now. But I also began drinking to relieve the fears. Not so much in social situations, because I've always been a loner and didn't think I cared enough to make friends. But I medicated to relieve all the above mentioned fears, plus it seemed to alleviate the anxiety attacks I had all the time. And I was agoraphobic a few times, where I literally couldn't leave the house. I begged my poor husband to go to the store with me or for me, because I was too scared to go alone. Ugh. It was awful.
I hope to live the rest of my life by faith and not fear. God HELP ME.
When I was writing that Post the other day, I was thinking about the many years of Therapy to access so much of that fear driven life, and there is a part that I did leave out, we talk a lot about the rational side of fear, but what was included in that lecture series that I found so interesting and also, in Therapy, when exploring the IRRATIONAL side of Fear, the fear we cannot access with out a lot of Professional help. That was only my experience, thought.
Seems like most of my Therapy in my lifetime, was digging into Fears, wow, what a Topic for another day.
It is a topic on the Page of Topics, in my Meetings, that I use sometimes when I chair the meeting, cause I love to hear the responses. Topic: Unknown Fears. Always makes for a great meeting to me.
Love to all,
Fearless Baloney Brains
Making a Post yesterday, about a big Zit, how is that for being fearless, haha, well not really, I thought maybe someone would just edit it out, with the caption of Toni's not Feeling well today. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
