Got out of rehab and fell again on the 18th June. Sick of this disease I want my life back. I know it is easy just DO NOT DRINK but my illness is playing games with me!! so f***ing scared I will die of this disease. Doing the right thing right now NOT having a drink talking to my sponsor and going to meetings but I am so paranoid about life and always feel everyone knows and is talking about me which I know is crap. Just can not face life right now. Please encourage me to stay away from a drink a day at a time. Already done 16 days but so scared eventually it will get me!! Love to you all Trudi.
Well done on 16 days! That is an amazing achievement. For me, in the very early days of AA, I couldn't manage 1 week without hitting a problem. I was a serial relapser.
I'm so glad that you are talking to your sponsor. When I hit really bad times that was the one thing that I couldn't do. I know that it sounds crazy, but I felt that she simply wouldn't understand. But, I did go to as many meetings as I possibly could. I know that they did help me.
When I first tried to get and stay sober, I felt that everybody knew that I had a drink problem. The guy who owns the corner shop, the women working on the check-out tills and neighbours all had to be talking about me and wondering what I was doing. But, nobody noticed. It was my alcoholic mind trying to undo everything that I was working at.
Trudi, you're doing so well right now not drinking. You must know and feel that you are. Keep sticking with it. It really does get better. (I once swore to myself that I would hit the next person who said that to me!)
Take very good care of yourself, and let us know how you are doing, won't you? You're not alone with this disease.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi Trudi, alls we all have is one day at a time even if we have 16 days or 16 years. I remember first getting sober this time around. I had a relaps of two beers after months of being sober. It helped me so much when people would say "each and everyone of us only have these 24 hours in being sober." It helped me because I felt like such a loser and was sure people where talking about what a nut case I was. Today I can honestly say I don't care what people say about me. Now last week I did LOL, but today I'm doing the right thing,so it does not matter. If you did't drink today Trudi,then you did a good job. Don't worry if alcoholism is going to kill you, just for today it's not going to. I use to be afraid of dying and going crazy because of drinking,but if I'm typing,then I'm alive and well. Also if your freaking out, look down at your feet and say I'm here in the here and now and I will keep my feet and mind grounded. Keep it in today Trudi and pat yourself on the back for a job well done!
My prayers and encouragement are with you all the way.
I used to, for years-on-end, actually, feel as though everyone was 'watching me'; discussing me and my flaws, etc... While I knew I was probably out of my mind, I would still be paranoid of this.
One day, in the kindest way possible, my sponsor said to me,
"You're NOT THAT IMPORTANT, joni.... you're not so important, that everyone else is completely focused on YOU, on YOUR actions, your choices, your moods, your looks, your life, who you're involved with, what you are or aren't doing. Everyone else has a life, too, full of OTHER PEOPLE, emotions, jobs, relationships, recovery issues, worries, concerns, joys, doubts, busy schedules...... do you thi nk that for ONE MINUTE, everyone else has time to put the magnifying glass on Joni?"
Although some may think this sounds cruel, it really isn't. If you think about it, it hits the nail right on the head. Just saying over and over again, "I'm NOT THAT important..." (and thank GOD for that!!) just saying it over nad over again took a lot of the pressure off to 'perform'. I found that in time, I was not so self-absorbed and fearful of judgement.
Hope this helps you, trudi. We are all sick, and we are right where we need to be!!
