I'm sure some of you have read the anger I expressed in my previous thread. But it was honestly how I felt in the moment. Honesty is a scary thing for me. I'm so used to glossing everything over with a smile and "I'm fine. How are you?" I'm not quite comfortable with saying, "Today I feel angry at the whole world. How are you?" Anger is an unacceptable emotion for a lot of people. And so are any other negative emotions.
In the past, I've turned off a lot of friends because I was "too negative." And in my early 20s, I started changing that, and tried being as positive as possible about everything. Even when I just wanted to have a great big pity party. I held it all inside and glossed it over with a laugh, smile, or joke. But I guess not being honest didn't do me a lot of good.
It's scary for me to tell others how I really feel inside. But after learning from past experiences and past active alcoholism, I know it's what I must do. Is this hard for anybody? Does it get easier?
For me, HD, I can deal with honesty, good direct honesty. I have issue with others' anger, which isn't their problem, it's mine. It all goes back to the way anger is expressed. " I am ****** angry today, right now, because......." yeah. So it isn't the anger that I find intimidating, its how it's directed towards me that I react to. My SO has/had anger issues. They got out of hand. I left. He went to therapy to learn how to deal with his anger without anyone else paying the price, I came home.
When first coming into AA, I had anger issues I didn't even know I had. After years of stuffing them, hiding them behind drugs and booze, holy shmoly, when they came out they came out in an explosion. I had to learn how to walk through my anger, rather than resist it, hide it. In the course of facing that I had anger issues, and with others' help looked at what I was really angry about, gave me something tangible to deal with, rather than that free floating tension that comes with anger. I had to learn to see that my anger was actually frustration at people, places or things, or that they were hurt feelings disguised as anger. Someone would say something hurtful, and rather than address it, I'd blow. It was a process--but wow, did I ever learn about myself and how my mind works. Anger is healthy as long as it is expressed in a healthy way. But learning the real reasons for my anger was paramount in order for me to make changes. Gave me something real to grasp, make sense? Even when someone is being honest, if said in loving way, or atleast in a way that isn't meant to be hurtful, is better than dishonesty. My take on it, anyway. Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
When I first came back to AA, I was so frightened of admitting that I was anything other than completely happy. But, that has changed for me now. I am usually quite happy to share exactly how I am feeling.
The first few months or so of my sobriety were a massive learning curve for me about my emotions. I guess that I had drank them away and simply didn't know how to handle them. Whatever emotion I had been feeling when I was drinking would prompt me to pour a drink. So, I had to handle them without the aid of alcohol.
I was recently talking to my sponsor about a lot of emotions that I had been feeling in the early days of getting sober and how I felt now. I felt very angry for quite a while, but I have learned that my anger was directed at me.
I have found that discussing my emotions in front of other people has got so much easier. At first, I would push myself to share because I knew that it would help me to stay sober. But now, if I'm having a good, bad or indifferent day I am much more comfortable sharing it.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Being vulnerable was the thing that scared this kid..for a long time...Wore a lot of masks..
Kept any anger..buried inside....couldnt express it properly...and usually blew the lid off...when the pot got full..
Isolated....
If anyone asked me..how I was...the usual answer was "Great" ...bull crap...
I remember telling someone..a lie about my smoking a year or so..ago...and then comming clean about it a few days later..but it was too late..the shit had hit the fan...
I remember acting in anger...about 9 months ago...in a situation..that hurt others..and still hafta make amends for that one..when the time is right..
Honesty doesnt scare me any more...And the anger stuff...? Gotta keep it out...in a non hurting...positive..mature manner..
There is something Doggie...that Ive been meaning to bring up ...
My last name is Doig....thats dog with one eye...eh..
Are we related?? hahaha
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Wow, HONESTY AND ANGER, the Lifetime Research and Development Department of my Life. This could take a Book, but I will try to condence it.
In my Family of Origin stuff, there was a Prohibition set on my expressing Anger or any other emotion either. Just silence was acceptable.
When I finally crawled into AA, for keeps, this Honesty, the Rigerous Honesty of this Program was a REQUIREMENT, not an optional thing, if I wanted to get well, and did it ever scare me.
I personally found many years of Therapy to be the answer, somehow, miraclulously, slowly all the emotions, Fear, Anger, Rage, Happy, Sad, Joy, Depression, deep personal loss, came up and out of me... AT LAST.
For many years, I used Alcohol to twist myself into a person that would be acceptable, someone that would be liked, loved, and cared about. Back then it was clearly an "outside job" making sure I was always the life of the party, making people laugh, that was a good way to make people accept and like me. And any anger would just have to be internalized, But who was the REAL Person Inside, I did not HAVE a Clue.
The 12 Steps of this Program, very slowly, working them to the best of my ability, and the Therapy, well those were the Tools, and I used the vigorously, I still do, they are the Tools that give me the Answers to the Questions of "Am I continuing to be Honest, expressing my REAL emotions, or am I resuming my life of looking good on the outside, while something inside is hurting" Have to work on this all the time. And I use Prayer, a Lot of Prayer to find my true place in life today.
My themometer is usually based on my comfort level, am I feeling uncomfortable about something, then I will have to look at, "How honest am I being with a friend", and can tell you that my own comfort level feels pretty good these days.
That is where the A.A. meetings come in to my life, I use the Program to stay in touch with "Am I being Rigerously Honest" Over the years, this Program has taught me to express my true inside feelings. I can raise my hand and talk about some gut-wrenching pain I am in, and corresponding I can raise my hand and cry from the Joy of some event in my life. And opening and honestly give to those new people in this Life Saving Program, The new people that I call the Life-Blood of this 12 Step program.
A.A. has been my growing up again, in a healthy home environment, where all emotions are accepted, without question.
The answer to yours question is Yes, in the beginning, Honesty scared me so much, simple reason, I did not know how to express Honest emotions. But today, I cherish the ability of being allowed the openness of being able to get honest, and staying honest. It is definitely not an "Outside Job" anymore, just a personal relationship with myself that involves my Higher Power, that I choose to call God, and then with my close friends, some in this Program, some not in this Program.
So HD, just remember dear you only have to take baby step, this is a Life time process, and that is where the Easy Does it comes in for me. That's how I see it anyway.
A Big Hug to you, Hope you have found some time to use that Pillow you were talking about to cry your eyes out or just Punch the heck out of it. Those two emotions seem real closely related to me today.
Happy 5th of July to you, tehe. you can celebrate the 5th of July, if you wanted to. Hope you get a good Day off soon.
I am pretty good about being open and honest.It is when It is others honesty I dont always deal with very well.Learning to accept people where they are that moment and realizing it is not always about me.To learn I am powerless and I am not that powerful that I can make any one do any thing they dont want to do.
Anger is another issue when any one has been angered at me they hit me slap me or beat me .I learned anger was a horrible emotion so when I got out of those relationships and got in alanon and started the process of healing and changeing me I have had to deal with all the anger in me and I am not there yet.
i just started councling for the real first serious time about being kidnapped by gunpont and ganged raped and even though I try to tell my self it is my past over it and done .I am not .I have flashbacks and some time night mares and some places I refuse to go and honestly I am afraid of that anger that must be underneath well enough honesty for this post ha.
thanks for the topic since i am going to counciling tomorrow so Gods way to prepare me more thanks .
