And painful to see when someone else is not. Reminds me to keep trudging.
Last night I was on my way back from dropping girls off at a treatment center after a meeting. I pulled into a drive-in restaurant to get burgers for my husband for dinner.
I saw a man who had been sober at one point for about 8 or so years, maybe more. This man is in his mid-40's, a carpenter, very strong and healthy. Have seen him help many a new man in past years.
Last night I saw him at the burger place; was riding a bike. Had what I believed to be some of his carpentry tools in his heavy backpack. I rolled the window down and said, "Hey John (name made up), good to see you!!" He was slurring his words... "Hi Joni, how ya' doin'... you almost made me forget my burgers... hahaha..."
It made me sooo sooo sad, to see a man I have seen a million times, happy joyous and free, sober, living a usual American life, trucking to work, picking up new alkie guys, volunteering for various AA functions, now reduced to riding his bike in busy traffic, still trying to manage to work as a carpenter from his bicycle.. fighting to survive. And all because of alcoholism, all because he picked up a drink one night; the same mistake I have made so many times before.
In the past couple of years, I have buried several good friends in AA. The first one was 22, engaged to a nice girl, almost out of college. Got drunk one night after treatment and a few months of good recovery. He, while under the influence from ONE NIGHT'S RELAPSE, jumped off the High Level Bridge.
another very close froend of mine was also 22 years old. Her name was Annie. Wouldn't mind me using her first name. She had a horrible alcohol and heroine addiction. Went to prison for a time. Got out, stayed sober for almost a year, then started taking on too much. Had 2 jobs, got her own place, was attending college full time. no counselling and limited meetings and support... all this after living the life of an addict since age 14. She was fopund in her apartment by her grandfather, Overdosed and slumped over in her own bathroom. This hit me so hard, I thought I would die myself for a time. She had been my 'srtist buddy'... we had traded art supplies and made things for eachother,,, gone forever.
This disease is serious and deadly business. As I drove home, I cried and thought, "This is not garanteed". If I pick up, who knows what fate awaits me? I have been to jail and institutions... what's there left? Death. I felt ashamed for a second that I would ever get up and go about my day under the assumption that all that is around me is permanet. That I am somehow 'immune now'. It was a very humbling evening for me.
So I start the day with gratitude. That doesn't HAVE to be me. I can learn the lessons taught by others. Everyone is an example.
And about my dear friend John on the bike, i invited him out to the Lake today; about 40 of us AAer's are hosting a cookout for those that need a sober place to picnic and 'party' on this 4th of July. I hope to see him there.
Say a prayer for all my friends, sober or not... wopuld you please?
How true it is. I too have seen some of the horrors of this disease, in my own life, and in others. Cunning, baffling, powerful, and oh, so patient.
I've heard others say at meetings 'better you than me.' True to a point, but never is this better. Just another reminder on how important it is to live in today. Nothing is promised tomorrow. I might be drunk tomorrow. It's easy to say that will never happen tomorrow but if I let up on my recovery it's a guarantee in my book that one of these tomorrows will get me.
On a lighter note.........It's the 4th of July........happy Independence Day! Our ancestors paid a tall price to give us our freedom, and this is a day to cherish in this 24 hour period!
Thank so much for your sobering and thoughtful post.
I have only been in AA for eight months, but I have heard of folk who had been real old-timers in the fellowship and didn't attend enough meetings, or stopped working the steps and then picked up again after many years of sobriety.
Alcoholism is so truly frightening. I try to remind myself daily of just how bad my life had become and how much better things are for me now. My biggest fear is that one day I shall pick up again. I cannot bear the thought of that and it makes my blood run cold.
There is one great guy who says "If I don't want to slip, I don't go where it is slippery". He has over seventeen years of sobriety and, for me, that says it all. I am just so massively grateful that I didn't pick up a drink yesterday. With the help and guidance of God, I won't pick up one today. I am so lucky.
Joni, you and your friends will all be in my prayers tonight.
Have a super and SOBER Independence Day.
Take care,
Q
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
So, so true. This disease kills. Took 3 people last month who had been "regulars" around my home group.....One day you just don't see them anymore and then you see the obituary.......so sad and scary. Good for this alcoholic to remember....
As you know I am from alanon and it hard to watch.My dad was a college professor at a college here in Texas and we had a brand new house built.He always drank as far as I can remember.The last 3 years I was with him he had started molesting me I was about 9 I think.Maybe younger.
He lost his kids to foster care and all of us but me was adopted he never saw his kids again.He lost his job his house and eventially mom left him.He died alone drunk, he fell down a flight of stairs I heard .
you know my story of loseing my sister at the age of 21 to a drunk driver.
of course i got more storyes.My point is this disease steals , kills and destroys not just the alcholic but any one in contact with him or her.When I first came in this program i thought it was about will power about selfishmess and many more things .I did not understand it and honestly sometimes i dont still but i have come to terms it is a disease and it is a process not perfection and if you go to meetings and do the steps get a sponsor andwork it you can get sober and stay sober one day at a time.it saddens me toit use to just make me angry and bitter now it just saddens me .
Both of your stories, were so very Sobering, thank you both.
I just wanted to share something with you, as to what you wrote about Dori, about this Disease hurting others.
It must be 20 years ago, (sorry I'm not good with the math part here) It was the year that my niece, graduated from High School. One week before the Graduation Ceremonies, 7 teenagers, all packed into one car, were hit head on by a drunk driver, killing all 7 teenagers. They were to have graduated with my Niece, Michelle, at her School.
We went to the Graduation Ceremonies, and as you can imagine, the mood was anything but a Celebration, one by one, each parent of one of the seven teenagers got up and spoke of their child. There were none in the audience that had dry eyes.
It was a beautiful sunny outside affair, and to this day I will never forget the pain on those parents faces.
Out of this horrific grim story, comes some good, if that is what you can call it. The Mothers of those children, started a small organization, Called M.A.D.D. Mother's Against Drunk Drivers. And in this Country, M.A.D.D. has become the force behind changing all of the Laws in this Country, with respect to how DUI are handled. They went to Washington D.C. and demanded that the current Laws be changed, and they got exactly what they demanded.
At least here in California, first DUI, Department of Motor Vehicles takes you driver's License away for one year, mandatory, and even with the 1st DUI (Driving Under the Influence) it will cost the first offender about 10 to 12 thousand dollars.
2nd offense, the penalties double just about, and on the 3rd offense, it becomes a Felony, with a Prison sentence. This is for driving under the influence, hit someone and cause injury or not, and it is an Automatic Felony with a Prison sentence.
So proud of these mother's that turned their tragic lives into working actively, non-stop, they are still a very active, powerful force to be delt with.
So we Alcoholic's share the pain of the Alcoholic still suffering, that is a given. But for those, whose lives are torn apart forever, they do not have this same over-whelming compassion, and I need to remember, just for me anyway, how the rest of the world still sees us, sober or not sober.
Thank God for the Respid of A.A., and the Kindness, Love and Compassion that I have been given, and share this with all of us. We have only had this Life Saving Program for 30 years now, and speaking for myself, it reminds to NEVER ever take one day of Sobriety for Granted.
A Great Post for this particular Holiday, thank you so much Joni
Toni, a humble Alcoholic in Recovery, just for today.
Thanks Toni for your words.I have good days where I see it is a disease and I work my program.I have to honestly say I do have days I hate what it has done to my life and my family.Today I can tell you i hate the disease not the alcholic .I do stuggle with drivers who drive under the influence and that i know my hp God, will help me work though it .Most days i am ok but there are days i am still angry about my sister being killed.
have to tell you as a Recovery Alcoholic, I share your feelings, once when i had to watch a very beloved friend, just bleed out, she could not have surgery for a ruptured artery, and did I hate the Disease of Alcoholism. I hate it intensely and I RESPECT it completely, if that makes sense. I respect the part of knowing that it still lives in me, and with out the treatment of AA, and the 12 Steps, and the working with others, it would take me again, maybe. And I do not have another Recovery in me, with my tract record.
So, I am so happy that you made a decision to do the investigating, so that you would not have to stay in that constant hate and rage at this Disease. I truly think you are a real Blessing to us here. But you go on and hate the Disease all you want, it destroyed your life, then, and it does my own heart good to know that you understand and can separtate the Disease from the individual, that is quite an accomplishment.
And for those that do not have to do that research for their own Souls, there are so many many people that just throw all Alcoholics in a big pile, sober or not, and carry on that message of contempt. I have run into a few times, and just need to move away from it as soon as I encounter it.
It is a Disease, and when I had lost my sister, who was not an alcoholic, to a little bleed in her brain, that blew out her short term memory, which we all need to function, I watched her deterorite over 7 years, until her entire brain had atrophied. Acceptance of losing a very vital person to this strange phonomia was just, well hard to accept, but acceptance was the only solution. Life on Life's Terms, I have said many times, are the most difficult five words of this Program. Thank God for this great Life Saving program.
Thanks again for just being here, I don't know if you know, how much I appreciate your kindness and generousity of your own Spirit, that you so lovingly share with us here.
Thank you for your kinds words.One thing I have learned is I dont have the corner on pain and pain is pain .I am sorry for the lost of your sister.I know one way to help me get over well not get over but accept is I named my daugther sister I was 9 months pregnant when my sister was killed so it was healing to name my daugther after her.Her name is Salome you dont mean many of those ha.
I know healing is a process we heal we stop we heal and on and on .have a good night ..
