Ya know i said about the prey thing to get to a meeting.. well i still ent been.. i keep bottling out..
last week, last monday i had a really bad day cso i had drank so much on the sunday, as i already posted about.. Anyway i didnt drink mondya night, just stayed up watching tv for most the night.. Tuesday i went fishing.. wednesday i went fishing and caught a Chub, first one iv caught as an adult and have wantd to catch one for absolutely so i was/am still so chuffed about that... Before i caugth that Chub i had felt i would have liked to be at home drinking.. but didnt.. after i caught the fish i was just so excited and didnt give drinking much of a second thought.. All excited i went fishing again Thursday, this time left ealier to fish longer.. didnt get a bite till gone 9pm... OMg what a night that was.. i looked at time and packed up really fast cos i wanted a drink.. i made it to to the off license in the town i was in at about 3-4 mins before 10 oclock when it shuts.. and went home and drank.. ffs i didnt start drinking till like 10:10 - 10:15 for crying out loud... i dindt drink all that i had but i did drink... its then that things kinda scared me.. cso the previous days i could have gone to aa but i wanted to go fishing rather than drink etc... And i had had such a great time.. especialy catching the Chub... Still chuffed now about that..!!
Anyway i realised i need.... want... to get to AA... but i keep putting it off, keep bottling out... I keep making plans to go but i keep bottling out (chickening out). I keep drinking.,.
I REALLY WANT to go tomorrow night to the tuesday meeting, the one where i met Alan and the others there before... There is even an Alanon meeting there afterwards, must be upstairs or something that could be beneficial to me..... I really wana go but i can see myself bottling out again..
I know most people on here are frustrated by me and me not doing AA etc.. But your frustration doesnt help. im not asking for sympathy.. only understanding.... AND YEAH I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT.. i DO need/want to get into AA... i just keep f****ng bottling out...
I really appreciated everyones comments on the prey to get to meetings thing.. that realy did help me..thanx so much..
I just really hope i go to AA tomorrow, i know i need and want it... I honestly do want to go... i really do...
I really do hope that you can get to a meeting. I don't always feel like going to my meetings, but I always feel so much better for going. They do me good and it's good to be around like-minded folk.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I prayed before I responded to this post and I want to just ask this maybe it will help.Post tell us what you are afraid why dont you want to go to meeting what do you think will happen .Rob no one thinks you are hopeless i do pray .You are not a lost cause as long as you are breathing.My concern is you stop breathing.i know it seems dramatic but true you can die or kill someone and take it with you or land in jail.I dont know how else to say it.dori
maybe rob you are scared of that meeting because you are not thinking in terms of 'one day at a time' but rather 'oh sh*t, I'll go to a meeting and that means I'm never going to be able to drink again.' (at least without feeling crappy. but you feel crappy anyway. So what's to lose?).
I have bounced in and out of AA for years. At the moment I am just treading water in a weird place. I don't do meetings at the moment. I have not stopped drinking altogether but I seem to be better than I was. I'm not sure what is going on with me. One problem for me is that I often wonder if I really am alcoholic. I don't ALWAYS fit that classic model of 'one drink's too many and two is never enough', well, not yet, anyway. Eg last night I had two drinks and left it at that. Quitting smoking (which I have been forced to do cos of lung problems) has GREATLY reduced my yen for alcohol. It just doesn't seem like much fun drinking when one can't smoke.
But my life is a mess, really. I can only deal with my ex (who won't leave me alone) with glass in hand. I know in my heart things are going to really blow up in my face, and probably quite soon (with respect to my relationship problems). I'm not sure what to do. I feel really backed into a corner...
anyway.
this was supposed to be for you, and has degenerated into a whinge session about myself. I'm certainly SELFISH enough to be classed as an active alkie!
I think a lot of us can identify with the fear of going to meetings. I will share with you why I was always afraid and maybe you can take something from my experience:
First of all, I have always been too conscious about what others think of me. I've been that way my whole life, long before I became and alcoholic. Walking into a meeting can bring about fears such as, "Oh crap! Now everybody knows I have a drinking problem!" "What do I say to these people?" "If I go to one meeting, does that mean I have to keep going to meetings forever?" "What if I see somebody from work/school/church, etc?" "What will they think if they know the REAL me?" Can you identify with any of these fears? I still struggle with them myself, and I've been in and out of AA for 2 1/2 years.
Also, as someone mentioned, there is the "one day at a time" concept, which I still struggle with myself. I was petrified when I went to my first meeting in over 9 months. I knew I had to get a sponsor, home group, work the steps, etc. But was I really READY? Forever is a word that runs through my mind way too often. But right now I am truly trying to live in the moment. I am currently too much of a basket case to worry about tomorrow, let alone next year.
Going to one meeting doesn't mean you have to "hop on the bandwagon" and give up everything all at once. But given your current misery, fear, and feelings of hopelessness, I think you'd be better off. I know I am. And I am on the wee hours of day 9. You can do it! It's just one hour, dude.
Correct me if I am wrong but were you not the person who caught a fish and was really excited about it for days after and you did it sober? Did you feel better about catching that fish as opposed to this one because you did it sober? I pray for you that when you go fishing - drinking - that you do not fall in or something worse happens to you. There is a saying that I keep in the back of my mind and I use it especially when times are tough "even if my ass is falling off I don't drink". I totally agree with praying. I do it myself, everyday, when I wake up, when I go to bed and I have found that my day seems to go better, no matter what is put in front of me. Especially if there is a task put in my path that I do not want to do - but I pray for strength to do it and to my surprise the task goes much easier. In my opinion - I think that you need, should and want to go to a meeting. I have the same question that Dori does - what are you afraid of? It can not be the fact of meeting new people. You said so yourself that there is someone at this meeting that you already know and who knows you might meet others as well or Alan may introduce you to others. You made the effort to meet Alan so why not try to meet somebody new - who knows what will happen? I mean really, come on here, what have you got to lose anyway? Someone told me once and it stuck with me that when you go to a meeting, stand there with your back to the wall and your hands in your pockets no one will want to meet, so I try to do the opposite of this. In my opinion if you keep up the way that you have been that you will end up losing a lot more. Have you actually thought about why you keep chickening out, I mean what is the true reason why you don't want to go? If it is because of a t.v. show that you want to watch - well then put a tape in the VCR, set it on time record then you can watch the show when you get home. If it means that you have to meet new people, well, come on, you have already done that so what is the next cop out reason, maybe because you think that you are different than the others, well you are not. When you walk through those doors, you are no different than the people who are there wanting and needing the same help that you are. We are just at different stages of the program, but you have to work it if you want it to work for you. This is not just about living life without alcohol, it is learning to live life - sober. All I know is that when I have had a crumby day and I do not feel like going to a meeting - that is the most important time for me to go. I go and afterwards I feel much better, happy and satisfied that I went. There is always something that I get out of it. This my come across as sarcastic but it is not meant that way. This comes from my heart and you are in my prayers each and every day.
Later - Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
