Toni had an excellent saying--" It is none of my business what others think of me". Yes, gossip is irritating, and it hurts. But the person who pays the price inevitably is the person who is doing the gossiping.
I can be angry as hell, sleepless over some slight imagined or real. And just who is it that is losing this precious sleep and serenity? It's ME, it sure isn't the person who has justified their actions to themselves. Hell, they're snoring away, enjoying the sodas, playing cards with friends. All this while I'm driving myself crazy over someone else's lie. And when someone lies, it never fails to come back, when least expected, and bite their butts. I feel this also holds true for the people who listen to the gossip or spread it. It's on them.
You validate yourself, please don't allow someone else to invalidate you. That is giving someone out there way too much power over you. And I don't care how bitter the gossip is, it sure isn't worth losing my life over. You know the truth, so in reality, nobody elses perseption on this should matter, yknow? Give them to your Higher Power to deal with. You take care of yourself. Call someone you trust in the program, go to a meeting, put on music and dance, do yoga---anything else, but don't drink over this. Believe me, someday you will wonder how in the world you let someone else threaten your sobriety like this................Let us know how you are, Love Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
i was once talking to someone in the Program, many years ago, about being cheated and lied to by my own Sporsor, and I can still remember feeling so sticken, like someone, that I had trusted so much, had used that trust to Betray me. So, so painful and so disturbing.
This younger friend of mine, a good friend said to me, Yes, let it hurt Toni, but you will get over it, and the TRUTH is, that when another person, for whatever reason, sets out to hurt us, gossip, betraying your Trust, IT IS NOT ON YOU, IT IS "ON THEM"
I took those words, and let them just resinate inside, and I decided to follow his thinking, just walked right thru the middle of it, (the Pain), and when you get to the other side. It will be done. And it won't take long.
And Remember Virgo, your side of the street has always been clean, so don't worry about how dirty or messy someone else's side of the street is.
Later on, it was clear to me that I had chosen a very Charming, "Sober Horse Thief" I could actually laugh at it all. Her Stuff, not mine.
One more little I want to add, that I have learned, people can and sometimes abandon us. Once when I was talking to a therapist, about my fear of being abandoned by someone, he Laughed really hard, (I think to get my attention), and when I just looked at him, very annoyed, he said "Toni, YOU are the only ONE that can ABANDON YOU" One of those lightbulb moments for me.
And Virgo, if we drink, we abandon ourselves, don't we.
If we live our lives with a commitment to decency and honesty, that we do learn how to do, in this 12 Step Program, someday I promise you, you will see, that other people opinions of us, are just that, good or bad, and really are none of my business, and no longer a big concern to me.
We all want to be liked, that is for sure, but just the same we understand, just about 50% are going to like us, and 50% probably won't.
This will pass, and if you Don't Drink, NO MATTER WHAT' it will simply come to pass.
Hope that this helps dear, it is really just "an Inside Job" between you and your Higher Power.
A Big Hug to you, and sorry that you are struggling with this, but drinking would be like taking that anger at them, and turning in on you.
Sometimes the only way for me to feel better about stuff like this is to look at where it is coming from.
For starters, healthy people don't willfully harm others. Well people do not have big mouths. Well people have nothing to gain from bashing others. Perhaps you can look at this woman as being spiritually sick, herself. We all remember what it feels like to take a vengeful attitude toward someone else. While we were'acting out' like that, wasn't it because we felt crummy or 'less than' in the first place? Didn't we see, after a time, that our offenses did NOT make us feel better, only worse? The bottom line is that when I hurt other people, it is because I feel sick or inadequate.
So this gal you are speaking of probably feels just that... inadequate, sick, less-than. Venomous gossip is a mask we try to use to help ourselves feel better-than or righteous, when we know we are not. I'll bet under this woman's thin smile is a wealth of pain, anger and inadequacy. YOU are the person of dignity in this situation. Walk with head up, keep trudging, and keep being the DIGNIFIED person that you are.
Look around your AA group. Who among them are the most respected? Those who are focused, who are loving and trustworthy... those who would gain nothing through trifling gossip. Those who turn from gossip.. as if to recoil from a hot flame.
Stick with these winners, and you will indeed begin to feel better about all this, I'd be willing to bet on it.
The important thing is that YOU know who you are, every moment of every day.
Do something kind for yourself today, dear. You are in my prayers!!!
I hate to have to say this, but I've just got home from a meeting where there is somebody gossiping about other AA members. It was just lousy to see a good woman reduced to tears at what had come back to her. I really do hope that it is a one-off. I don't know how I would handle it if it happened to me, but it's made me more wary of what I will share in meetings now.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Well for me, my shares are based on my "today" condition. If something is bothering me, and it won't go away, then I share it. I shared something about five weeks ago, that I knew would set off gossip, if there were any in the room that participate in that. So What!
"We are as sick as our Secrets" I'm not there for anyone else, I am there for my continued Sobriety".
Fourth Step work is really about all our secrets, right? Don't keep secrets anymore, don't want to have to do a Fourth Step on it, that's the reason. Joni mentioned the frame of mind, or absence of mind, that it takes to participate in gossip, in this Post. Thought is was so right-on.
People are just going do what they are going do. Not my stuff. Sometimes I am "invited in" to participate in what someone thinks of another. "just don't have an opinion about that" when I am asked what I thought.
If I make a judgment about someone, then I have just created my own little self-imposed prison. Work my butt off not to make judgements of others, cause I don't like the way it feels IN ME.
We cannot feel humble and grateful to be Sober, and then contradict that with a judgment of another - can we, I think that is what is called hypocracy. Not really living a humble life, just giving lip service to it.
Just my take, here.
Just keep sweeping my side of the street clean, everyday. Part of 10th Step work, where we are asked to "sweep-up daily"
Thankyou all for the responses to this post! Thankyou Virgo for posting your difficulty with gossip. I too have a hard time dealing with it and I don't know how to deal with it. As I read this thread however, I felt a moment of peace but for a little while but enough to be so grateful for and it's HERE so I can read again and again instead of playing what the other person said about ME again and again over in my head. Thank GOD for you folks. God BLESS!
