I am in my 30's and the mother of two precious chidren. I am recently divorced but in a relationship with a wonderful man who has opened my eyes to my drinking problem. He's been on me about it for about 18 months, all the time I resented him for it, saying he just didn't drink, so he didn't understand, or he was just trying to control me. My ex-H was and is an alcoholic to an extreme. I drank with my Ex-H at home alot. He was a bartender (imagine that) so he was out at the bars constantly and drunk constantly. As he kept not coming home at night, I would say, well, if he can go out and drink and I can't (b/c of the kids), then I'll drink at home. That's how it started. At first, of course, it wasn't a big deal. A couple of nights a week, but I could stop. As the years went by, and when I finally left him and moved to a new state, I drank out of habit, lonliness, stress, "because I could"..all those reasons and more. I have a wonderful job, and I count my blessings for that. I've never been drunk or drank at work, but of course I have been hungover. And I know that as good as I am at my job, being sober all the time and thinking more clearly, I will be amazing. Since I left my husband and moved to a new area with no friends, my drinking has progressed and I am alone about 95% of the time that I drink. I have rationalized and used every excuse in the book.."I deserve it", "I'm stressed", :"I work hard", "What no one knows won't hurt them", "It's only beer and wine, I hate Hard liquor (except the occassional margarita)" "It's legal, I'm over 21, if it was so bad, it would be illegal", "Everyone else drinks, why can't I?", "My kids are young, they don't know it, and I hide it". Well, I was fooling myself. How much did I drink during the past 2 years or so...6-12 beers a night, or a (large) bottle of wine. I would start between 4 and 6 and go until I went to bed. Occassionally I would "stop", for a few days, or cut down, or maybe even for a week, usually because of my boyfriend or because I was on a diet and wanted to lose weight. I kept saying my kids weren't affected. I'm embarrassed to say, that, of course they are, and were. Whether or not they knew why, I'm sure they, or at least my older one, saw my personality change. BUt i'm a "GOOD" mother, everyone tells me that. How could I have done that? I'm humiliated and ashamed. But I promise not to beat myself up. After my boyfriend leaving me for umpteenth time the other night, over this or problems related to this...and he doesn't even know my drinking is the reason for most of my bad decisions and poor choices anyway, this is my third day not drinking and I'm determined to change my life. I feel like I've been living in a fog for years. I've slept like a baby these past two nights, woken up happy and feeling good. No guilt, no regrets, no hangover. My hard time is dinner time, or after work. I'm pissed then, i WANT to drink, i should drink, 'everyone' else does, right? (ha ha) The food tastes soo good with a beer or a nice glass of wine not some crummy iced tea. But once I get past those couple of hours, I'm ok. I almost bought a small bottle of wine at the store yesterday, "just in case", and besides...no one would know. How can I be so smart, yet so dumb?????
I have attended an AA meeting or two in the past, but am not currently. I know it's a great program and it's what I "should" do, but right now, with the lack of child care, etc...I'm on my own. Except for this board and the many books I plan to purchase.I'm embarrassed that it has come to this, and I'm sure that is a common sentiment on this board. I don't know who I will ever admit the true story of my drinking to besides the people here who don't know me and who can relate or possibly at a meeting. Is that ok? Or am I keeping secrets from my loved ones? My boyfriend doesn't know by any stretch of the imagination the extent of my problem.
Thank you for reading this. I've never been this honest about it, and just writing it has helped. I love my kids, my boyfriend, and, yes, myself. We all deserve better from me. In a way, i feel like I've been missing out on real life. Always worrying about how, when, or where I'm going to drink. Hiding it. It's consumed me. And still a part of me wants to do it again. I look forward to any and all support and if I can ever help someone else on this board. I still dont' think I've accepted this 100%, but as I read all the stories here I can relate SO MUCH, it just keeps convincing me that it is a problem. That coupled with the fact that not drinking for 3 days is a feat for me...normal people do that constantly without even thinking about it.
I could go on and on...bottom line, I am committed. To change my life for the better. To erase alcohol from it, and do whatever I need to do to accomplish that. My children deserve it and so do I.
Well done on facing that you have a problem. I know from my own personal experience that that is a very hard thing to do. It took me many years to face it and I wish that I had done something years ago.
You have taken the first step and that can be the biggest step of all. You'll find that there are lots of friendly, helpful and knowledgeable folk here. Also, there is an on-line meeting held here twice a week if you can't get to meetings.
Take care of yourself and keep posting here. It really does help.
With all best wishes,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi there, and welcome. I can totally relate to your story. I am the mother of two small kids also. It is really hard admiting to yourself that you have a problem with alcohol but the good news is that if you continue to stay sober, it will get way better. You will reach a point where the iced tea is just fine with dinner. You will no longer be obsessed with drinking and hiding your drinking. No more hangovers! Hooray! It is not easy but it is so incredibly worth it. I did not realize how unmanageable my life had become until I had quit drinking and my head had cleared. I had a good job, nice house, nice family, blah, blah, blah. A lot of us do. Being an alcoholic is not a tragedy. It has become the best support network in my life with regard to drinking and everything else. I can have lots more fun now without drinking because the obsession is gone. I really love my love without alcohol. I never thought that I would say that. At my first meeting I was devestated. Not only did I think I had reached an all-time low by being at an AA meeting, I was did not know how I would make it through a party or anything fun without drinking. Now it is not an issue, and I can wake up the next day and enjoy the day with my kids.
I wish I could explain it to you better. Words cannot describe how much better your life will be (even if it does not seem all that bad now - mine didn't).
Please keep posting and don't drink. A whole new life awaits you.
