Hi Rob,

Your post didn't come out wrong at all. Well, certainly not to me it didn't.

Your post took me right back to my early days (first time) with AA. Yes, I most certainly did pray that I would find the courage in me to go to a meeting. I dreaded my meetings. I was painfully shy and I couldn't really 'get' the program. But, I knew that there were times that only prayer helped me to overcome my nerves and fears and get to a meeting. Without help from an HP I wouldn't have got to any of my meetings.

I hope this helps, Rob.

Take care,

Carol

Yes yes yes. I had little or no faith in myself or anything else external, except for faith that those meetings would help me learn to stay sober. I did not like meetings, I had butterflies the size of bats every time I went to one. I didn't want to speak, I didn't want anyone to look at me, I just went to listen. I was afraid of crowded rooms, I was afraid of having to look at more than one or two people at any given time. I was afraid of people. In the beginning I had to force myself to go, but I was terrified of not going. I bet it was a good year, at least, before I was comfortable walking into a room, sitting down, and talking. Yet these were the very same people I could sit at a restaraunt with and bs til the sun came up. I think I mentioned in a post a ways back that I spent so much time worrying about what I was going to say about a topic, I didn't even hear others for awhile. And when it would get to me, I'd pass. "grateful to be here". Everyone understood. What mattered was that I was there, and finally accepted that I wasn't ever going to be on speaker circuit, LOL. But not one time did I leave a meeting with regret for having gone. Once I left, I was so grateful I had been there.

I prayed to a void that I would get up in the morning and complete a day without doing anything shattering. I prayed about everything, constantly. I didn't trust my decision making for so long, so any time even the smallest decision came my way, I'd pray about it. And oh yeah, Rob, I'd sit in the parking lot, praying to be brave enough to walk into the room. Meetings were incredibly hard for me, especially after I'd gone back out and had to walk thru those doors again. I'm still shy, which really is a hoot considering that when I was drinking I didn't know what decorum was. I did alot of "act as if" ing. And kept praying.... Love Wren

Hi Rob...

I have had to pray, over and over again for different things,

"Higher Power, give me willingness."

Praying for willingness is kind of like praying for our desires to change. There is an old saying, "Say a thing as though it WERE, and it SHALL BE...."

I prayed for the willingness to go to meetings, even when I was afraid to. Then I realized one day that I was just going out of habit, which is also good. Eventually, I was going because I wanted to. I have met, over the years, at AA meetings.... people just as nice as the people on this board, like Tonibaloney, Wren, Robert, Phil, Quetzal.... and I'm sorry if i missed any of you wonderful people!!! But you know who all of you are!! (ALL of YOU!!!)   :)

At some point, somebody said to me, "Joni, you come to this meeting regularly... would you like to come early next week to help set up?" What a feeling, Rob!! For someone to actually have faith that I would show up and be a help to them. I started to be able to hold my head up again and stop looking at the floor.... LOL

And all it took was for me to keep praying for willingness, Rob. When you think about it, to make the effort to go just for ONE HOUR out of your day or week, knowing that you are doing something good for YOU... just to listen for an hour how people who were down-and-out and on the verge of death made it through, it really helps us feel great about what we are at least trying to do. I can honestly say, that even early on, I never ever felt WORSE after going to a meeting... only better.

I pray for you all the time, for your willingness to at least give us AA's a chance, in person, through a healing AA meeting. I look forward to the day that you do start going, and come here to tell us all about what you experience with it, and how you feel.

Take care and have a smurfy day!!  <-- meeting people....

Jonibaloni

-- Edited by jonibaloni at 20:08, 2006-06-29

I absolutely had to pray to go to a meeting!  Especially when I first started going to AA--February of '04.  I had severe, debilitating anxiety attacks that pretty much left me housebound (except I always made sure I could get alcohol of course--panic attack or not.) 

But in the beginning, the idea of sitting a whole hour in a meeting was terrifying to me.  I didn't talk.  I was afraid to even shake hands.  I pasted a fake smile on my face and forced myself to talk to others.  It was so overwhelming.

But it has gotten a lot better.  I was afraid to come back to AA after my most recent relapse.  But I felt that fear wasn't a good enough excuse.  I was MISERABLE.  HOPELESS.  In pure AGONY.  Something had to give.  I knew I had to swallow my pride and "re-introduce" myself.  And everyone welcomed me back with open arms.  And I have accepted their love.  It feels so much better than being afraid or being too proud. 

Yes Rob, I have prayed for thr courage to go to meetings.  I still do sometimes.  When I REALLY don't want to go I pray for the strength to get me there.  As others have said, I always feel better when I leave.

I didn't want to go to meetings in the beginning.  It is scary.  Lots of people that I don't know looking at me and knowing that I am an alcoholic.  My big secret revealed to perfect strangers.  But the more I go , the better I feel.  Every person in that room had been right where I was.  Feeling the same as I did.  And it is so good to not feel alone anymore.........

Take care Rob.

Jen