Thank you all so much for your support. I am trying to surrender at this stage. I am taking very little baby steps towards picking up a phone or calling a doctor. I am terrified to do that, and I am terrified to drink. And I am terrified not to drink.
You know by the time I lost my friends, my family stopped talking to me, I stopped seeing my kids, all the women who left me in disgust... by the time those things happenened (and this sounds terrible but true) none of it really mattered as long as I could still get the “glow” of booze and fall to warm, fuzzy oblivion even for few hours. Just keep breathing, try to block out all the fear, anxiety, guilt and remorse and try and get through the day until the comfort and oblivion of the usual alcohol purchase on the way home from work and “whey hey! here we go again just me and my friend the bottle, lock the door, take the phone off the hook and don’t think about anything. Don’t think about how much of a mess you have made of your life, how many people you have hurt... just get good and drunk and fall back into the world of fantasy... kidding yourself things aren’t really that bad, that I’m still a good guy”
But that “glow” of alcohol has long since disappeared. If alcohol still worked for me, even on the level of taking away the pain for a few hours, I would maybe never stop.
But now, alcohol only has the effect of taking away the shakes and anxieties for a few hours. But while I am drinking now, I never feel content. Never get that “buzz” anymore. I only feel intolerably sad and lonely while drinking. A pathetic drunk crying into his beer. Then I pass out and wake up every morning to face what feels like the gates of hell opening to devour me.
The point I am at: Spirit crushing loneliness and sadness (whilst drinking). Terror, remorse, guilt & anxiety (whilst sober).
These are the only feelings I experience at this point as an active alcoholic. When I sometimes venture out to bars I become a paranoid, obnoxious person eventually getting myself into all sorts of ridiculous scrapes in clubs and bars, trying to pick up women, sometimes succeeding if I am not too drunk and can still turn on some vestige of charm, but then getting too drunk and causing chaos and the result is always the same. Back out on the street again, stumbling home all alone.
This is the state I am in right now. Last night I tried desperately not to drink and managed to get til midnight. But then I got into a terrible state of anxiety with my mind racing, sweating, ill that I took a nip of vodka and lemonade. That worked long enough to get me to bed. After an horrific night of nightmares, sweats etc. eventually made it to dawn and managed to drag myself out of bed, have a shower and eventually get to work.
This is where I am today. Right now. At that point. I want to call someone, anyone but am afraid to.... I am afraid to... but I want to
Yeah man. I can remember going through exactly what you're talking about. I ended up in a psych. ward after my 3rd attempt at suicide because I could no longer deal with these feelings and all the stress and fear that accompanied them.
Might wanna talk to a doctor. I'm not sure if you just quit cold turkey how bad the effects will be on you. D.T.'s are nothing to mess with.
I could so well identify with what you were saying about getting the "glow" of booze. Towards the end of my drinking, all I could think about was me and my next drink. If I couldn't drink because of work or whatever, I was constantly thinking and obsessing about it. I became so utterly selfish, too. I put myself and my need for the bottle before anything and anyone.
In the end, I never had a "glow" from alcohol. My 'friend' had turned and become my biggest enemy. When I realised that, I thought about what the future could hold for me. I had lost my boyfriend, lost the respect of my parents, friends, neighbours and I could so easily have lost my home. I came so very close to it. I know that I did.
I seriously thought about taking my own life. But, I couldn't have done that. I felt it was OK for my life to be in chaos, but I couldn't dump my alcoholism onto other people and ruin the rest of their lives.
So, I eventually picked up the 'phone. I called AA. My hands were shaking and I cried like a baby. I was almost hysterical. But, I will always remember the feeling of relief that I had made the call. I somehow felt that I wasn't on my own with it any longer.
Perhaps, Niall, from all that you have said about your withdrawal symptoms it might be an idea to think about calling your doctor. Going through severe withdrawal on your own really isn't a good idea.
Please try to remember that the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking!
You take the very best care of yourself, won't you? You're a good guy and you deserve a great life. Keep taking those baby steps towards it.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I too vividly remember that same hell. I couldn't live with alcohol anymore, and I couldn't live without it. You have helped keep me sober another day, with a walk down memory lane. I do not ever want to forget that.
The weekend might be a good time to check into a detox for a few days. It is indeed dangerous to detox one's self. I will surely be praying for you, my friend. I am honored that you are reaching out to us here and sharing your pain. Just by posting here you are setting in motion a chain of prayer for you. Keep coming back, Niall.
I guess for me it all came down to that I wanted to live. I was in no danger of dying,but I had a big fear of dying and alcohol is a slow killer. I knew I was doing wrong when I drank and it just tormented me to no end. I had to reach out to people and hold on for dear life. Those people included doctors and people from AA. I had to put my trust someplace and I did't know how to "trust God",but I did trust the medical professionals not to let me die and to ease my fears. I feel the worst thing that can happen to someone is to die,the rest is cake or at least you get a chance to deal with it if your still alive. I'v been where your at at least in a mental state,it's no fun. Even if you can't stop drinking now, it would be very wise of you to contact a professional and just go talk. You can even call the AA hot line and just talk. No one wants to hurt you,but everyone would love to help you. Take care and (((((((((Huggys)))))))))
