I’m a glib son-of-a-bitch when cornered. A silver tongued devil when I need to be. I could downplay and gloss over World War 2 with a sentence if it suited my needs. It doesn’t. I think the hardest thing for me is asking someone else for help. I’ve always done OK by myself. I’ve been resourceful and tenacious and creative and watched out for me and mine OK for my whole life- up to now. I usually would just blow this shit off and sleep and ignore it and tomorrow it would all blow away- except each day it seems to blow away less and less- and I better than anyone can read the writing on the walls. I’ve met my match.
I’m terrified.
I wrote that in my journal sometime late last night.
So- last night I was pretty bothered by all of this. It’s been an ongoing thing now but becoming more of a hindrance as time rolls on. My girlfriend is off island on the mainland and I drank a few beers with some friends after work and when they left I became so depressed about the whole mess- me, alcohol, my inability to somehow “vanquish” this thing. I made some dinner and drank some water, ate dinner and drank some more water. Dinner was just OK- frozen tempura and crab shumai. The shumai was like rubber. I drank pints of water all night long but that deep, dark brooding depression just weighed heavily on my shoulders no matter what. I lay on the couch for a bit and watched an old movie but found it depressing. Ate an ice cream. Went online and wrote an old friend who is like four or six months sober in Minneapolis. Wrote the above paragraph. Called a close friend of mine here in town that is a long time AA/NA guy and left him a message on his office phone. Guess we’ll talk about stuff again today. He suggested getting me to a meeting a couple years ago.
Tossed and turned parts of the night, between these really graphic dreams (I have really graphic dreams anyhow- probably a product of my mom having me write my dreams down every morning when I was a kid.) One dream I was on a bike that folds into a stroller (dunno what that was about- great idea though!) riding around Waikiki. First I’m in a restaurant and this large woman wont let me pass- says that it’s rude to bring my bike in a restaurant (I’d never take a bike in a restaurant.) I got past her and then I’m trying to find a way between tables to get out of the dining room and into the street. I ask a brunette at a table if I could possibly sneak through behind her and she laughs and says “Yeah, I guess you would pick me” and I turn to look at her and she’s strikingly beautiful. I just say “Yeah- well I’m glad I did.” And walk out to the street and ride off. I ride a ways down the road and I’m navigating intersections and walking the bike through a crowd and this guy picks my pocket. He just bumps me but across the street I feel for my wallet and it’s gone and I just know. I go back to find a traffic cop I’d seen and I see the guys. They see me tell the cop and they run. I tell the cops it was them and they come out of the woodwork from all over and they get the guy but the wallet and money are gone and the cops have this really bad attitude towards me, as if it were my fault. I kept trying to call my girlfriend but her number wouldn’t come up in my phone and I kept getting information. I woke up remembering that in the beginning of the dream I’d recalled that I’d forgotten my wallet.
Had another dream that I was back in the dojo (I practiced martial arts for a long time). I was training with my old sensei, and it was the days before he closed up shop and moved away. He was ten years sober when I started training with himand a good friend of mine- close. Eventually we became sparring partners which is this huge bond you have triusting each other and pushing each other- we were tight. Anyhow, in the dream I'm grappling- doing jiu jitsu- with all these guys, one at a time tapping them out with an arm-bar. Wierd- totally dont know what that's about, and totally the opposite of that other dream. The pickpocket dream I felt so helpless and the jiu jitsu dream I was totally in control. I was totally trying to get my sensei to change his mind about leaving- to stay and keep on.
So I decide to leave my truck and jog home from the dojo. I'm jogging along and I run into this guy I knew a long time ago perusing books in a kiosk on the roadside. We talk a bit and he asks what I'm doing and mentions I look a bit winded and I tell him I'm training martial arts again and that I've quit drinking and will be back at the top of my game soon. Then we part company and I jog off, feeling like a million bucks. I guess I woke up after that.
I had several other dreams throughout the night. I’d wake up and toss and turn and think about them and this and that and then drift back to sleep.
Now it’s morning. Dawn came and I opened my eyes and didn’t feel particularly bad- there have been some notably horrific mornings here and there over the past few years- but I still could feel the residual uncertainty and melancholy belonging to that time in the night that I lay awake wondering what I do. I know what I do- I always know what I have to do at 6 a.m. after a particularly bad night. I pretty much always know what has to be done all the time- By four o'clock I just have a few excuses tucked away as to why I’m not doing it just yet. Those excuses grow more thin as the days go by.
So I'm in the prime of my life, really- 40, but healthy, relatively speaking. I have a beautiful daughter who is 15 and very close to going away to art school (she lives in the city with her mom- on another island) and I have a beautiful son with my girlfriend. I have a house that I like with a view of a couple decent surf spots, a whole quiver of boards gathering dust on the rack, I'm in the middle of a big remodel/addition on my place and have plenty of work- self employed carpenter type construction stuff. What is up with my self destructive tendancys? I suppose when you're too strong for your own good, that strength becomes a weakness. I'm not even sure what I think I'm protecting myself from by not just starting up and going, but that seems just as real as everything else. Anyhow- it's all just me rambling, but I thought I'd share and maybe someone would have some insight.
My thoughts are that your Disease is fighting with your spirit to claim you. Get to a meeting...get a sponsor if you don't have one....pray to the God of your understanding...and start working the steps.....cuz only then will you find serenity.
I've read this, TLH, over and over again this morning, and I'm just not sure how to respond. It isn't hard to put myself in your sandals--when I was still young, I knew how to manipulate both others and my own thinking. (Not that I don't know how now, I just don't do it anymore; well, not as often). I could sabotage myself, knowing I had all the answers, all the control. And lord knows, I certainly talked my way out of and thru a myriad of things. So I was pretty cocky. Small town, Dad was a sheriff, so they'd just drive me home when I really should have been sitting in a drunk tank. I managed to not be held accountable for many years of drug and alcohol abuse. I had a good husband, good marriage, 3 kids at the time, and didn't miss a beat. Then I crossed some invisible boundry, no idea when. Gone were the husband, the kids, the nice house--and I was off and running. Suddenly, "the whole world is wronging me, they don't understand my angst, if only they could see what a true martyr I am, I'm certain they'd erect a statue of me down at the park". God, my ego knew no bounds, truly. At first. By the time I surrendered, there was no ego left. But that took a few years, a few losses. I went thru a very similar terror of confusion---how did this happen to me? So, instead of dealing with the terror, I stayed numb to it with substances. Had I acknowledged that I had a reason to be terrified, and addressed it, I could have saved years of heartache for my family and myself. I eventually ended up in AA. Meetings were the only thing left between me and dying. I knew this. I think I always knew it, and chose to play it out regardless. I had no reasons to be self destructive. I may have imagined I did, but in the end, it was my own sickness, my disease, that softly spoke of annihilation. It's the disease, TLH. It doesn't need a reason, any more than diabetes needs a reason. It just is. Chromosones, x-factors, missing enzymes--who knows? I only know that I have this disease, I am powerless over it. Totally. I tried abstinance, worked for awhile, but without meetings, without support, I could not cut it. Still too much ego left I suppose. So I had to go back out there until the disease had eaten that, also. I was so blessed, I sobered up by the time I was 33, remarried, got a life again. But I never forget, it can disappear in the same snap as it had before. I accepted the reality of the disease and surrendered to it, until I reached a point where I wanted sobriety above all else. But we all have to make the trip our own way. Sheesh, for not knowing what to say, I sure did ramble on. I believe with dream interpretation? We are our own best interpreters. Only we know what each thing symbolizes for us. But, had that been my dream, I would have recognized the first as being in a confusing place and not having any control over what was going on around me, nobody understanding that I had lost something. And that's the extent of my psuedo-babble, LOL. Hang in there, I hope I didn't confuse you with this rattling on post, but I didn't want you to think I was ignoring it, either.....Blessings Wren
__________________
i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
I was married for fourteen years- with my ex for 17 total. I think that situation kept me on the right track. I got divorced four years ago- the first night I was on my own I downed a sixpack and passed out. I even remember it feeling worng somehow to be buying that. I think I knew all those years that I was a teenage alcoholic. I remember worrying about it when I was like 15-16-17---22ish, when I quit. I quit smoking then and told people that if I drank beer I'd want to smoke. I think that was my "technique" then. It worked well and I didn't drink more than like 5 or 6 times over the next 14 years, but when I did drink I'd have two and there would be that old familiar gnawing thirst for the rest of them- only I was young and strong and had tons of will power then. I think maybe the change of situations four years ago and maybe my waning ability over the years to defeat every little thing that comes my way has left me vulnerable to the inevitible. There's no free lunch, gotta pay the piper.
So 4 years is pretty light weight compared to lots of people in the program, yeah? I guess I'm an accelerated learner ;)
I talked to my freind this morning- the one who I left the message for last night. He asked me some stuff and I answered, and then he said "yeah you're probably pretty close to screwing things up." We're having lunch later. He and I are the same age. He's the Hawaiian version of me. We had a very close mutual friend who passed away five years ago- who was his sponsor and both of our close friend- we all raced canoes together. Anyhow- we're close way back and I think I just need someone who I trust and respect to tell me to quit being such a chickenshit and to step across that imaginary line and start working on being "me" again.
Anyhow- kind of apprehensive and totally unsure and I hate the unknown and it scares the crap out of me but also really tired of doing the same stupid crap over and over again. I really don't want to hit bottom- I'd rather get off here and get back to the good stuff.
Thanks for the comments. Wish all of you were like a couple time zones closer last night when I was feeling absolutely crappy. But I manage, I guess.
Well I read and reread you Post, and I agree, you are the very best interpreter of you dreams. I could not figure them out - from here.
But The words that Stood out in your Post were "I'm Terrified, and you spoke about some depressing, was the depression around have those beers, or was it connected to something else. I took it that it was about just have those beers.
And your good friend confirming, "Yep, sounds like you are getting close to screwing things up" The Disease of Alcoholism sits in wait for all of us. I heard something, interesting the other day, that "when we are in a Meeting, our Disease is out in the Parking Lot, doing push-ups, waiting for us".
When you talked about being an Alcoholic in your teens, it was connected to the inability to stop? Right?
We all have different degrees of where this Disease of Alcholism takes us. For me, I have what I call a sleeping Guirilla, as my dormant Disease. It would not take much to wake the Monster up, first in my thinking, the thinking has to be there before the Slip. (The saying is so true, to me), that a Drink is the very, very last Part of a Slip.
My take on what I think you wrote also, was that the inactive "Guirilla", has just been stirred from sleep, and the result of that waking the Disease up, well the solution for me would be to see, how fast I can possible get him to go back to "Sleep Mode"
I also pick-up a little "Fear of impeding Doom" that is clearly the Disease waiting to have you just make another bad move.
Time changes everything. Our own abilities go through changes, kind of like a "right of Passage", and I need to honor them.
I really hope my interpretation of this Post, was at least a little close to what you were writing about, it was a long, and very intense Post, and at times a little difficult to interpret what you were asking.
If you are feeling a lot of fear, well your dear friend, know what you need to do, right?
A Big hug, and it was so refreshing to see you stop and have a chat, and not just "Sail on through"
A Big Hug to you, you sound like a great person, with a lot going on, and hope to see you here sharing any problems, if they continue, with us.
We all look forward to our Brief Encounters with you.
You are a very perceptive person, I think. Yeah- impending doom is a good way to put how I felt last night. But besides the pints I drank my girl and son have been gone for week, and I guess the house was feeling kinda lonely also. They came home today, I'm feeling a lot better. I'm also not drinking. :) DOH!
A lot fo the time I know exactly who I want to be and how exactly I need to be, and it seems so easy. Especially when I'm sober for long periods of time- and doubly so if I'm physically fit. But some of the time the switch flips and I don't give a damn. At those times I still know who and how I need to be- I just dont seem to give a damn. It seems like a lot of work. It seems futile and pointless. At those times I can totally see that I've lost focus of the aim in my life and my "goals" as it were. It's really wierd and very frustrating because this is truly the first time in my charmed life something has actually really and truly challenged me, and it's frustrating because in pretty much the entire balance of my life I just am not a person who purposefully does the wrong thing.
I understand better now a lot of stuff about alcohol.
Time changes everything. Our own abilities go through changes, kind of like a "right of Passage", and I need to honor them.
I had a thought today (lots and lots of them actually.) I've really changed very little throughout my life. I'm usually pretty secure as to where I am and who I am, and change comes slowly for me anyhow. I never really was comfortable with change.
I think maybe this stuff has been sitting there in the back of my head dormant waiting for me to take care of it so that I can get on with the rest of my life. Just a thought.
I used to think that AA would make me smarter.,..Doh!!
And that Ide quit makin a lot of mistakes in life...and quit screwin up...
Well...I dont do a lot of the crap I used to when I was drinkin..
But I still screw up...and I still have dreams...and sometimes I can still dwell on the past..when I shouldnt...
I don't expect much. I want to stop drinking- it's getting in the way of my real life. I have things I want to do and alcohol is keeping me from them. I dont screw up ever anyhow Nah but seriously- for me, I want this to be my bottom. I want to draw the line here and go forwards. I'm working on it pretty diligently today- let's see if I can keep it moving forward. Hope so.
I didn't have lunch with my friend today. We both have small construction companies and got kinda swamped, and I called him at two and he apologized and asked if I could maybe come up to his place tonight. I opted out because my girlfriend just got home and instead we're going to meet up at his place. And I guess I'm going to a meeting after that. Honestly I cant realistically come up with anymore excuses.
"And I guess I'm going to a meeting after that. Honestly I cant realistically come up with anymore excuses."
I think you might get some relief from all the miryad of troubles, that appears to be getting the best of you, at times.
Look so forward to hearing back from you, after that meeting, and How you felt about it.
Hoping that you will let us know how you are doing. Maybe some of us here can help you with these various feelings. I know we sure would try to.
A Big hug, Toni
(To me this is just an extension of a Meeting, my take anyway, and so, so many wonderful people here, without any judgements really, this Board is a very Powerful Recovery Asset, to me.)
I also wanted to thank you so much sharing all this with us. We do CARE!
Look so forward to hearing back from you, after that meeting, and How you felt about it.
Does that mean you don't want to hear from me until I've been to that meeting?
If so I just blew it!
Tonight I hit the treadmill for like thirty or forty minutes- first time I ran in about a year. I just got the treadmill used and it was good to get the blood pumping and the body moving. I also worked out with the weights a bunch, which I've just been doing way sporadically for the last couple years, aside from the week and month long spurts where I was really giving things a go. Feels good to be doing the old stuff again. I may just wipe the dust off my paddleboard and see if I cant get some noontime runs in this week.
Fair trade, booze for exercise? I'll go for that.
Kinda nice I'm not home alone tonight. Gotta hit the hay. G'nite.
Nice to wake up without a hangover. No headache, no sinus pressure, pretty much properly hydrated. Pretty amazing what a simple thing like not completely saturating my body with alcohol can do for my a.m. perspective. Plus my boy is home- my all time favorite thing is hanging with the boy on the bed in the a.m. watching cartoons and drinking coffee. He's a lazy little bug prince. Though sometimes he's a bit of a monkey (or alternately a flying squirrel, though he's not really aerodynamic and tends to only fly for a foot or so.)
Gotta take the dog to be fixed (though she's not actually broken!) Really dont need a litter of pups piece by piece chewing my house to a damp wad of shredded wood. Hope I get my pickup back today (blew the trans five weeks ago and they can't seem to locate the parts and put them in- long, stupid story.) I am so tired of driving the certified P.O.S. that I've borrowed for the last many weeks (Though it is kinda cool to cruise real low in the seat with the song "Lowrider" by war running through my head. But alas, it is indeed a certified P.O.S. and makes horrible metal on metal noises every time I turn too sharp. And it smells a bit like a mixture of damp wombat and swamp grass.)
Long day. Hard work at work. At 6 a.m. I'm great. At noon I'm still headed the right direction. At two this afternoon I remember feeling that feeling- told myself that I wasn't and I wouldn't and I didn't. From 2 in the afternoon til about 6:30 in the evening is the hump. Actually 3:30 to 6:30- I just got that feeling at two- something along the lines of "a beer sure sounds good right now." Guess I spent about ten or twenty minutes accumulated making excuses how I could have a beer or a glass of wine (while I cook,of course!) Anyhow- easy day today- not so bad.
I actually had this dream I was surfing with my brother. We were near the ala Wai yacht harbor in Oahu and the surf was beautiful- small but fun. Then all of the sudden we were body surfing. There was this old man out there that was really good and I was getting these insanely great rides- totally unrealistic and cool. Then- I'm on the beach and realize I'm naked. I'm not even inhibited but pretty putout that it seems I've lost my clothes. I find my boxers and a T-shirt but the only other thing there is a woman's denim skirt. In typical dream think I don't think to just wear the boxers but instead try to make the skirt look like a pair of denim shorts by creasing it in the middle to feign two pants legs. I remember being pretty embarrassed and not making eye contact but instead just trying to trudge onward and get home.
Now I have to get home. I dont have any money or a phone and I'm miles from home (Actually Ala Moana is six islands away but apparently in dreams that kinda detail doesn't really matter. ) I accidentally walk through this restaurant that is nearing completion and some guys there are pissed that I'm walking through there but open the front door for me. I am out on a blvd and thinking about hitching home. I stop where a guy I know is sitting on the roadside playing guitar. I think I started to tell him about bodysurfing and losing my pants, but then I woke up.
Stayed up too late last night. The power went off yesterday and for some reason every clock in my house is ten or fifteen minutes off one direction or another. Made breakfast for the boy and I. He's in his high chair watching a new movie we got last night- Madagascar. Today I have to pick pickles up from the vet, do my bookkeeping and get it to my bookkeeper, Get the boy to day care- all before 9. And I have to go get the guys started at work (which is easy because we're working on my house and shop this week and next week due to a cancellation.) Paperwork day is alweays a pain- I rarely do it wednesday afternoon like I should, but instead end up rushing on thursday morning. I used to drink on Friday nights on the pretense of celebrating another week I didn't go bankrupt. Another week above board, afloat, relatively solvent...... liquid. ;) Friday night my girlfriend is having friends over from her hometown on Oahu. I'm going to get a couple twelves of O'douls, I think- dunno. Never drank that but a buddy of mine does. I dunno if it will be a huge disappointment and maybe I'd be better off drinking cokes? Dunno- THAT is all new to me. I'm going to give that buddy a call and see what he's doing Friday night. I'm bound to be able to get him over what with a bunch of pretty filipino girls coming to visit. ;)
Another night under my belt. Sheesh- that's like the beginning of day three. I can't wait for day 98!! (my current record for longest dry period- since I started drinking again and realized it was a problem- is 97 days. Can't recall what it felt like but I remember getting a lot done and paddling my paddleboard and surfing a lot. and swimming like miles and miles and miles. Jumping into day 3 right now.)
Absolute worst workday in the past month. The guys are working on my house and I gave them specific instructions and then left to do some running around. One guy was pretty hung over but got through it okay and put out quite a bit of work, actually. The other guy I left to do a simple job that should take one guy a day max and when I got back at 1:00 he'd barely scratched the surface- and to boot done it all ass backwards because the part he did was the easy part and he left the rest til last. Needless to say it was a test for me. I was really frustrated and way disappointed as I thought I'd get back and jump into the part he needed me for- the part he didn't know how to do.Instead I had to redo part of the tiny bit of work he'd accomplished and then half-assed install a toilet because it's the only one in the house and it was near quitting time. Now we'll have to take it back out, finish a little wainscott and trim, prime and paint, install a tiny bit of tile and grout and then reinstall the toilet (the whole job was to jerk a toilet, install two very small pieces of wainscott around it,paint and install a new toilet- an 8 hour job for me but apparently not so for my employee. anyhow- one days work for one guy is turning into two days of work and I feel like I HAVE to be there to babysit. Oh well- life goes on. On top of that the same guy left an open gallon of yellow paint perched on the edge of a pile of lumber- on sawhorses- and of course it got knocked over on the driveway and walk. Enter pressure washer. Super stupid way to end the day and I was just rolling my eyes and at the very end just laughing it off. Totally funny, actually. That's what I get for trying too hard and expecting too much.
four o'clock was tough for a bit. My head wanted a beer, my brain told it no. I survived to fight another day. Read an intro to a book this evening- interesting bit of it: In my own experience, I’ve spent decades trying to find peace and happiness by attempting to fulfill my desires through various physical and metaphysical means. Invariably I found only frustration in the end. I seldom got what I truly wanted- and even when I did it simply led to more craving and dissatisfaction. Only when I examined and dealt with the very process of craving itself did I begin to find peace of mind.
That's me. I always am trying to find some external source of satisfaction- whether it's by making money or being loved or being a great waterman or studying and becoming more intelligent- or drinking. I think I avoid the actual issue(s) by trying harder at other things in hope that I'll somehow make up for it.
Part of some writing from last night- part letter to a friend, part journal:
Still sober. That's like since I went to sleep Monday night. Not really a challenge right now. I felt like getting some beer later around two. I kept busy til four and then picked Liam up, Did a load of laundry, worked in my shop a bit and then went to the store to get some laundry soap. basically kept busy. Watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I loved the book. This was the first time I saw the movie- they left a lot of Chief Broom out.
Those quotes John sent you- they describe me. Shit- they describe a ton of people I know. remember that I'm a ways behind you here- haven't even gone to a meeting. I'm on like page sixty-something. Still struggling with the idea of letting everyone know I have finally admitted to myself what they cant have helped knowing.
Shoot- been struggling with my idea of my "god" forever. Thankfully I do have some insight into "my god". I've always been alternately a little vague on that and then a little undecided/uncertain. Classic agnostic. I do have a bunch of books on (Taoism, Buddhism, and Zen) and the twelve steps and/or recovery. I just kinda figure it'd be pointless to read those without giving the big book a pretty thorough once over.
I'm seriously working on this. The demons and the (shit I cant remember how it said it- bad feelings for lack of a better word) towards people- I dont carry a lot of bad feelings towards people around with me for a whole long time. I feel animosity towards someone who has hurt me, I chew on it or write about it or whatever, and then it just sort of fades away. My ex- we're pretty good friends. I am slightly frustrated that she's continued to isolate herself and not socialize, but that's why we split up. I knew she wouldn't change, and that wasn't a life for me. My parents? I know they didn't spend as much time with me as they could have, but they did what they could, gave what they had- I truly believe that you can only fault people so much for having low expectations of themselves or having a 100% that seems like less than that to you. I don't hate or dislike my parents, we just have never been very close. My ex in laws? We're pretty ok. We have dinner now and then and I help them out when they need something, they do the same for me. I get over things, i guess- short attention span and I never really liked getting caught upin stuf ad nauseum. I move on.
I feel like I'm at least in part responsible for anything that's happened to me. At the very least I let things happen. I think I'm going to have a hard time making a list of grievances if it has to be towards other people. I'm kinda pissed at our culture in general for glamorizing drugs and alcohol the way it does (the media, mainly) but it doesn't really matter. People have this tendancy to chase after a dream, and a lot of the time it's a bad thing they're onto. Even without the media people would fuck themselves up. Yeah- that's going to be a pain in the ass- I need an editor ;) (I know)
As far as alcohol goes? Well there's no doubt I'm an alcoholic. I used to have breaks in between, but lately I just get a head of steam up and go. I still don't drink in the a.m. and rarely before 3:30, but when I do drink I drink til I pass out. And that's a no good. I also realize that my life is out of control- not so badly that I go broke (I somehow miraculously made a shitload of $$$ last year- that I truly dont get) but it's hurt my quality and I just am not on the ball. I used to be the best for what I did- I'm down a few notches somewhere. Also the thing my friend said- I also feel like I'm on the verge of fucking things up pretty badly. (worse than lets say my wrecked truck a couple three years back.)
So what? I have a couple kinda laid out there, and working on a third. Playing at it, toying with the idea of actually committing and getting some shit going in the right direction. I just got a response from my Psychologist that had some pretty decent food for thought in it. (So does yours also- just sayin.)
And this a.m.:
I have grievances with the rest of the world big time. Total glaring thing right in my face and I missed it. I am disappointed in humanity. I hate our consumerist society where you can buy an identity. I hate the bleating sheep that perpetuate corporate america's success in hypnotizing them. I cant stand homogenous America and the way people throw cigarettes from cars, the way people say mean things to strangers, the way people say that we need to "fix the homeless problem around here" when in all actuality they mean we need to get those people out of eye shot and so out of their mind. I hate the developement going on here, the developers and the people that are coming here and buying up homes and telling us we need to change our ways to suit their needs. I have lots and lots of grievances towards a large slice of humanity in general. and every time I get myself being open minded and forgiving, another dip shit asks me to move my baby to the other side of the table so "they can enjoy their dinner" or some other stupid shit. and they just sink themselves in my eye, and all of their ilk. I know it's not fair to generalize, but people in general seem to act like idiots.
So yeah- I probably could start there. ;)
I'm reading the book and getting it. I'm working out my god- that's a bit of a blurry area for me- important to me but uncertain,undefined. The grievances? Shoot- that ought to be long winded and confusing. I'llprobably have to rewrite that like a thousand times before my life is through. I'm working on things, steadily. 4:00 in the afternoon is the tough part to get through- the rest is pretty OK. Having a small get together friday night (girlfriend thing). That ought to be challenging.I think I'll be OK though.
I write a lot. Helps me think and get things in an order where maybe I can look at them and they make a little bit more sense. Right now my brain is both bursting with random thoughts and maybe a little bit exhausted. Butit's nice to be thinking clearly and waking up feeling healthy and not so run down.
Gotta go watch Finding Nemo with the chunky-monkeyt for the thousandth time. My favorite part is when he falls asleep on my chest. Second favoritepart is the turtle scene.
10:28 on a Thursday night. Been sober what- does Tuesday count? I never count the day I'm all hung over- just doesn't seem fair- too much alcohol still in me. I read somehwere that every single cel in your body is regenerated over a seven year period. Given what a few days does for me after seven years I think I'd feel like a freaking olympic athlete. Haven't been able to sleep these last few nights until late- that always happens when I stop drinking. Interrupts my sleep pattern- gotten used to drinking myself into a stupor. I almost typed "stupid"- subliminal type stuff. Channelling my mean alter ego.
Reading a book about Buddhism and recovery. I can't actually say that I'm either a buddhist or a taoist- I guess if you got down to brass tacks I'd be your run of the mill agnostic. But since I was a kid I've found more and more of my philosophies that just seem to be instinctive have a lot that I find familiar in Taoism and Buddhism in them. Just the way I am or maybe just the way I like to be- something familiar there. Anyhow- figure if my spirituality is a pivitol point that my sobriety hinges upon,maybe I'd better spend a little time trying to seek out my spirituality a little.My spirituality has always been this vague notion that yes I want to believe that there'sa pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but no I don't think the human mind is complex enough to quatify the beginnings of the universe. I also play around in my head with an idea of this mobius strip madeup of parallel existences where everything happens again and again and maybe it changes minutely, and if it changes to dramatically maybe the mobiusness of it all might implode upon itself. My favorite mind blower is to try and think of either infinity without end, on and on in space- or somesort of end and the abstract idea that there is absolute nothing beyond that point. My mind is not complicated enough for either of those. I suck at math.
So I guess I waffle between a god that has little dogma and few rules, certainly nothing that men can speak or quantify or write down- and nothing too complicated. Right and wrong, good and bad- can't decide on the idea of good men doing bad things. I waffle between that and the buddhist/Taoist idea that we have to be good despite the knowledge that this is it- we have to be decent and kind and forgiving despite the idea that we are our own judge. Either way I'm certainly vague- too vague to be calling myself one thing or the next. I always try to shoot for being just a good person- that alone is a tall order for anyone,I guess.
I'm going to go read and fall asleep. I'm calling this day two, just to keep me honest. Workwise I hope tomorrow goes batter than today did. Otherwise I'm pretty alright I think.
Well today i was reading your Post, and just wanted to answer a question from a day or so ago.
Of course I did not mean, that we only wanted to hear from you AFTER you went to a meeting, silly you.
Just keep doing all the "rambling" (your words, not mine), we love reading and responding, so glad you are becoming active here, that's all i was trying to say dear.
Fell off the wagon last night. Shoot- jumped off. Wasn't a horrible thing- had a BBQ and drank and well it just is what it is. Woke up this morning and started over. Spent like three hours at a book store while my son napped in his stroller. Picked up a couple books I wanted- one on Duke Paoa Kahanamoku and the other on Jeff Hakman (famous late sixties/early seventies surfer). I kind of eat up the surf history- history in general really. Voracious appetite for information.
Taking the boy to the movies tonight- seeing "Cars". Junk food! mmmmmmmmm.......
Pop corn extra butter and a coke. It's the little things in life.
Too funny taking a two year old to a movie. About half the time he's saying "Bye" to the characters super loud and waving whenever they're leaving. Total disaster for about an eight seat radius due to popcorn and soda. Good thing the theater was nearly empty.
G'nite alla you. :) This place is kinda nice,you people are cool, and the whole deal seems to help me stay on track better- and I appreciate all of those things. Aloha- Toby
Nah but seriously- for me, I want this to be my bottom. I want to draw the line here and go forwards. I'm working on it pretty diligently today- let's see if I can keep it moving forward. Hope so. 