I am a 27 year old female who had a very bad drinking problem. I truly don't think I was the definition of an alcoholic, because I didn't need it 24/7, but I definitely abused alcohol. I was a binge drinker and throughout high school and college that was very normal behavior. After college, when some of my friends started settling down a little with the drinking, I got worse and started getting more and more out of control. Alcohol was my crutch, my confidence...and it got the point where I didn't want to function without it. I needed it to talk to people and be social at all...without it, I was silent...with it, I was fun and happy, but I was also destructive. I started hanging out with people other than my normal friends who were definitely not good for me...I started getting into other bad things that were not good for me. My family and friends were very concerned about me and the choices that I was making. I felt like crap everytime I would wake up hungover...both mentally and physically. The physical effects of alcohol that I had never had to deal with when I was younger, started hitting me harder and harder. There were few nights without blackouts...the hours of lost time were normal and routine. I tried countless times to cut back, drink in moderation, and quit...without success. Finally, I had a life changing event occur that snapped me into reality. I found out I was pregant. I had just broken up with my not-good-for-me boyfriend and was in a complete state of shock at the news. I decided that this was God's way of forcing me to quit drinking...now I would have to go 9 months without it...no matter what. Then, just when I had accepted the news and started to get excited about it, I miscarried and went through another range of emotions. I had sadness, relief, and guilt because I felt relief. I decided that this was still my wake up call to not drink...I definitely felt like it was a sign from God...no more trying to quit and lasting a week. This was it.
I didn't go to meetings (I live in a really, really small town where I have heard people who were court ordered to go to AA talking publically about what people were at meetings and what they talked about) because of the lack of anonymity and my social fears that were ever present without the alcohol there to take them away. I had great family and true friends who supported me and helped me through the tough times, but I definitely feel like I was doing it for myself. I had gotten a clear message that it was time for me to quit and I felt too much responsibility to let myself and God down.
I have not taken a drink since the day I found out I was pregant and I don't plan on it. I still miss it everyday. I don't miss the lows, but I definitely miss the highs. I feel like my life is boring without alcohol. Does anyone else feel like this? All of my friends still drink and I feel like my life is boring without the fun times associated with alcohol. There is not much to do in my small town that doesn't include drinking. Sometimes I feel like the good times outweigh the bad times and it would be okay to drink again just to feel good again, even though the bad times used to be really, really bad. I just need to vent because I don't go to meetings and I don't know anyone like me around here who doesn't drink...everyone does where I live. I just don't know what kind of life to lead without alcohol in it...any suggestions??
Well if you're not an alcoholic, I'm certainly pretty close to how you described yourself. (no offense intended whatsoever but I always find it funny that I also used to say "I'm not your normal alcoholic- I didn't drink at all from the time I was 22 until I turned 36 (incidentally when I got divorced) and I go for long times without drinking and I just drink too much when I do drink." Turns out that that description I'd give when I said that describes the guy on pages 31-32-33 of the big book.
I actually have never been to a meeting. I'm a stubborn kind of alcoholic. I have gotten sober and then gotten drunk again enough to see the writing on the wall and I've read a bunch of the big book and see a licensed psychologist that deals with substance abuse and over time I've come to realise that I will eventually have to go to meetings.
Seems like pretty much everything I do I do the hard way.
A big reason I haven't gone is because (besides the stubborn thing) what you said about talk is true also in my town. But the funny stupid converse side of that for me is that I'm somehow (seemingly) completely okay with being out of control and drunk yet totally not okay with people knowing I'm human and fallible and (worst of all) that I couldn't singlehandedly defeat everything that tries to stumble me.
I find it pretty amazing that it didn't stumble me when I was twenty. Strikes me as odd that I've overcome lots and lots of really daunting obstacles in my life and something as innocuous as beer would be the thing that humbled me. But it has.
A quick P.S. before I hit the proverbial hay. Sorry to derail your thread- didn't mean to and I'll tryto get myself back on track here in a sec.
Before anyone else can ask, yes I realize how bass-ackwards it is for me to not go to AA when i know the help is there and actually realize I wont get straight until I swallow my pride and go. I'm working on that. I could say that I guess I haven't really hit my personal bottom yet, but I wouldn't actually believe that myself. I have a pretty strong sense of self preservation and I kinda think I'm pretty close. Truth be told I'm the guy on the top of the burning building telling the helicopter I need to think about it- but thankfully the building is just smoldering a little right now and the helicopter has maybe a half tank of gas. ;) I'm a dork for not having gone yet. Dunno aboutme.
Man it sucks to be at this end of the time zones. Seems like everybodies always asleep by the time I sit down at the computer.
I still miss it everyday. I don't miss the lows, but I definitely miss the highs. I feel like my life is boring without alcohol. Does anyone else feel like this? All of my friends still drink and I feel like my life is boring without the fun times associated with alcohol. There is not much to do in my small town that doesn't include drinking. Sometimes I feel like the good times outweigh the bad times and it would be okay to drink again just to feel good again, even though the bad times used to be really, really bad. I just need to vent because I don't go to meetings and I don't know anyone like me around here who doesn't drink...everyone does where I live. I just don't know what kind of life to lead without alcohol in it...any suggestions??
I was thinking about this exact thing the other day- that it's not fair that I have to be genetically predisposed or whatever to alcohol- and that I will somehow miss out on something when I do manage to get myself full time on an even keel. But the more I thought about it the less I could quantify that "good feeling" or those "good times" in reference to alcohol. As I thought about it it was just this vague innuendo that was a "good time" and I couldn't actually say what is good about it. I even made a list of the drawbacks which got pretty long (I'm a big list maker. When I'm overwhelmed I compartmentalize stuff and try to give it some sort of value system so that I can see stuff clearly. I have a list of people I know that I really admire who are sober (and have mentioned it- probably I should take note of that yeah?) Anyhow I also have this picture of me in my head- of whereI want to be and who I want to be and how I want to be- and definitely the booze got me all off track. (The engineer is a little crazy and the tracks ended four years ago!!) but that's something I think about pretty regularly- that I need to get working at being back whereI'm supposed to be. I don't think the good times have been this past four years that I've been boozing. I think the good times are somewhere up ahead when I'm back doing what I'm meant to be doing. Shoot- I've surfed since I was ten and I hardly even get in the water these days. There's something wrong with that picture, that I give up something that was totally the core of my existence at certain points in my life and something that brought me tons and tons of happiness and good times- gave it up so that I can pass out on the couch and not remember what I had for dinner the night before and be so sick I miss work and don't get hardly anything done.
I for one know exactly how my life would be without alcohol- I'd be camping at a beach near my house and waking up at dawn and surfing. This booze thing truly has gotten in the way of me doing my thing.
What do they say (Who precisely are they anyhow?)? Get living or get dieing?
To be brief (that's a little joke there- I'm not really known for my brevity ) I think it's really easy to get my mind so wrapped up in the "missing out on the good times" thing that I kind of lose focus on what exactly the good times are- and the bad times. I have pretty well come to terms with the fact that I'll probably leave a few friends behind for a bit- I don't really spend that much time with them anyhow. And I actually do have a few friends that are long time recovering alcoholics that have it together and so cest la vie on that item for me. But yeah- I totally know where you'recoming from on that one.
I'm going to bed. Should I turn the light off when I leave?
For myself, I just have to remember the things alcohol got in the way of. For TLH, part of that is surfing. For me, it is just anything to do with normal living. When I had my head half in the bottle, I tended to let a lot of other things go, or, at least, take way to much time to get them done. I also find, that a lot of what I thought wasn't fun without adding alcohol, really is just as good (or better). I can socialize, work in my garden, go fishing, visit places of interest, etc, etc, etc, all without booze. Sometimes, without the alcohol haze, I have discovered some things to be even better!
Alkteach, I'm a male, but the way you talked about life since you stopped drinking could have been a direct quote from me. Up until about 15 months ago. I pretty much was able to stop drinking except for a few incidents for about 2 and a half years. Then, I hit some lows financially and emotionally, and things started spiraling again. I have learned since coming into AA that plenty of people who call themselves alcoholics were able to stop for periods of time, lots of them for years without working on it. But, they, just like me, were not happy about it. Alot of AA's refer to this as a dry-drunk. Even when I was not drinking, my alcoholism was progressing, because when I let go and stopped fighting it, I was worse than before almost immediately. I didn't think it could have gotten worse than before, but I was wrong. I have since found out this is not uncommon either. I have about fifteen months clean and sober now through the steps, fellowship, and my HP. The difference between now and my "dry" periods is that I am happy...I'm not bored, I'm not restless, I'm not depressed, I'm not irritable (OK...sometimes), and people generally find that I am pleasant to be around. The difference doing it this way(AA) is incomparable with how I was trying to do it before. I highly suggest to anyone to put aside your fears and pride for a little while and give this thing a chance. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing with us here. It is a step toward opening up to SOME other alcoholic in person. The only guarantee is that we must have interaction with another recovering alcoholic(s) through working the steps to have a spiritual experience sufficient to recover. I am not talking about religion here; many came in here with religious beliefs and what they thought was a DECENT relationship with God... but not until they got the joy and honor of getting the real healing and then passing it along to someone else who suffers, were they able to say, "Wow... I really have had (am having) a spiritual EXPERIENCE". And this goes for whatever religious beliefs you choose to have. In this matter, the program has no bounds.
For me, I was not put on this earth to serve only myself. When I am caught up in doing this, even though I may have good intentions, I am never truly satisfied. I believe I was allowed to have this disease and then recover emotionally, physically and spiritually, so I could be not just relatively happy, but so that I could experience the full range of joy that I am able to today. This comes from knowing every day that it is not just about me; it is about what I can do for my fellows as well.
As to your fears about going to meetings in your area and 'being exposed', I certainly did not care what was exposed while I was sitting on the barstool or in the drug-house. Why was I so concerned now? We are fortunate enough in this country to have seen a progressively positive attitude from our society about support groups and AA. A lot of people, even employers, see an AA as a 'responsible person', who is actively involved in bettering him/herself.
This is not the case 100% of the time, of course. But you have to think "How sick am I really...?? Is it possible that I think I'm OK and all is well, but I'm really not?" Better safe than sorry, my friend. If you truly are an alcoholic, then you are already proven to have an illness that will tell you time and time again that 'you don't have it". Who will you have to fall back on in these times who can really understand? There may be some sick people in your local group, but we all find that we are sick still in different and similar ways. We need eachother to get better. Even doctors and therapists agree with this.
If there is another way out there to get and stay sober on my own, I will take my chances with AA. It has been around since the 1930's, with very little having changed, even in the face of our new 'self-help' and medical revolution. No need for me to ever feel shame for it, as it was started by a stockbroker and a physician! I hope you can get your hands on a Big Book, our basic text with the 12 Steps and the plan for recovery. It is simply called, "Alcoholics Anonymous" (the book has been translated in over 40 different languages). There are people who belong to AA in foreign countries with sovereign rule, who are not allowed by law to participate, because it encourages them to find a 'God of their undertsanding', and not the government's god... We are truly lucky here, and I would not miss my AA experience for the world!!
Dunno aboutme. 
