Last night I went to a meeting. Vented some garbage that was in my head. Then this lady starts talking and talking and talking and talking and talking. You get the picture. I really don't want to hear about your active alcoholism and your views on stuff other than alcohol. That was how I felt. Said Fu** this. Grabbed my smokes and coffee and left. After telling everyone at the meeting how I was feeling, with thoughts of drinking and all I kind of figured someone might give a crap. Guess not. I think sometimes I expect too much from people. I just get in this frame of mind where I want to isolate myself and say to hell with everybody, I don't need 'em, even when I know that's a huge lie.
Anyways, went down to the river and looked at all these crosses in the ground for all the people that have drowned in there over the years. Two brothers just died a couple of weeks ago trying to save this one guy that went under at the dam. All three perished. Don't really understand, not meant to. I just ended up sitting down watching some people fish and watching the water run by. Got my head together and went back to the alano club. Talked with this one guy about some stuff from our pasts that we could laugh about and then went home.
That restless, irritable, and discontented feeling has really been kicking in lately. I guess this is what they mean by white-knuckling it. I just keep telling myself I am not going to drink today. No matter how bad life gets I will not drink today. It's hard to be grateful in this frame of mind.
Oh well, time to eat dinner. Been cleaning all day, getting ready for my Grandfather and uncle to come tomorrow. Guess I need to prepare myself for this coming week 'cause it's going to be interesting.
All I can say is that, if I read that right, this woman was talking about active drinking, and other, non AA stuff. My take, good for you. have felt like walking out of a few, myself, only did it once many years ago, when I was in the "Goochi Meeting",in Yuppyland, and everyone was talking about how much money they had acquired, and what new Presitigious Job they now had, and these were the "Speakers". Yicks!
I was new, back in Marin, after one year of Recovery, and stated I was new to this area, again, no one welcomed me?? Really strange. I stood outside the meeting for 20 minutes, looked pretty decent, and every single person was so caught up in themselves.
Well toward the end of this huge meeting, about 100 at least, scared to death, but thought what the heck, so I raised my hand, and said, that with all the topics of the Speakers being about Material Gains, and personal gains, I must have been mistaken, because I was sure I was going to an AA Meeting, and this sure is not an AA Meeting, to me, got up and left, and never felt the slightest bit sorry for what I had said.
Oh well, sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do, and once again, good for you.
I am keeping it pretty simple today, Justin, have been quiet, working my ass off for the Feast I am preparing, and it has proved to be good for my Soul.
Thinking of my Dede, all day, and asking God to keep him SAFE. Silence helps so much when I need to be quiet in Prayer. Turned my phone off too, and that helps me focus. One baby step, in front of the other.
When dinner is over tonight, I will write again to David, and tell him what is in my Heart, that I love him, and want him to consider going on a new drug.
So, that is how I guess I turned this Friggen Fear into something else, but maybe when the company leaves tonight, I will be right back there, hope not, but today is just one minute at a time.
And about your fears, If you do not pick up a Drink, even if YOUR ASS in falling off, well then it will all be o.k., my friend. Seems like I have had some of those "Ass Falling off experiences" and just walk right through the middle of it. No way around it but right through the center.
My love and Hugs to you. Toni
And P.S., I have seen about 4 men over the last 6 months, just get up and leave a meeting, these were people with a lot of time. So don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff.
Baloney Brains, Oops, got to go check on my Duck in oven, will send you a note, later tonight.
I have done the same thing, my firend... We are who we are and we are not here and present in AA, year after year because we are constantly in a good space and sociable and getting our needs met. I hate the feeling of needing a meeting to uplift me soooo bad, and then ending up not getting my needs met on occasion. I have to look at what my expectations are of meetings... they are not always going to do the trick
Old timers used to tell me "Don't drink, Go to a meeting, Pray".... well, meetings did not keep me sober. The Steps have and sometimes the best step I can work when I'm in a space like that is simply Step 1. And I don't need to be in a meeting to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I love meetings and am active, and am sooo grateful they are available (I live in Akron, AA's birthplace, and there are over 300 meetings a week here in Summit County.... lucky me; if I don't like one, I can find another one in 2 seconds flat...)
I read where you cleaned when you went home. Odd, but Toni Baloney mentioned she cleaned too today... in the midst of her own anxieties... People think I'm crazy sometimes, and I'm by NO means a super-clean-freak, but I find myself getting on cleaning kicks when I am frustrated. I like the alone-time, and no one certainly wants to invade my space when I am on the cleaning kick...LOL Also, it is kind of like what I do with my mind... just manifesting itself in a differwent way. I used to be quite a clutter-bug in my teens... I am an artist, go figure... and my Aunt would tell me "Your room reflects the state of your mind". She was so right!! Right now my house is a mess, and reciprocally, my mind is a bit over-loaded as well. I find it hard to focus like this, and when I clean the house it seems like I can concentrate better, relax more, and I m able to do that thing where we can "just BE...."
I have actually planned that type of cleaning-thing for myself tonight, and will do so, if I can get off the computer for a few hours!!!! LOL
