Well I am going to write this, and then probably edit it out, I don't really know if it belongs on this AA Board. As some of you know, I have a Son, that is in Prison, for committing a very serious crime, while in the middle of a pychotic break. He suffers with Schizophenia, and had been taken good medication, for several months, and he and I were corresponding, finally, with a lot of love, no more letters, that did not make sense, feeling a lot of love from him, remorse, and sadness, and I was returning those letters, sending so much love his way, feeling so much hope, for him, that with these medications, he was beginning to have "clear, and understandable thoughts. Well that stopped just about 2 l/2 months ago, and have been very troubled by the absence of his letters. I have continued to write, was planning a trip to see him in the next two weeks, and this woman that co-sponsors me, had offerred to come along, for the trip, I resisted, and then accepted her offer. I was literally one click away for purchasing tickets for us, and I called her to get a second confirmation. She has a daughter that has Schizophenia as well, and she told me not to book the flight, to hold off, as her daughter had just gone into a Phychotic Break, and was being Hospitalized. Spent over an hour talking to her, about the chaos that I do know, that hits the family members when this happens. Was more or less decompressing from that conversation yesterday, when I got a call from my other son, a doctor , a pychiatrist, here in this area. He gave me some information, that frankly has put me in a complete "numbed out state of mind" He told me he got a call from his Brother, early in the morning, and that, his brother wanted him to send him this Emergency Kit, a Kit that is a survival Kit for the end of the World. Then I got the news that my Son in Prison, had decided that he had gained too much weight from this second medication that was doing him a world of good, and asked if he could stop the medication. He was on two different anti-phychotic meds. When he stopped the medication, he went back to hearing voices, talking non-stop about the end of the world, hit his room-mate, and as a result had just gotten out of Lock-down, where he had been confined for two months, where he is confined to a small room, 23 hours a day, 1 hour for exercise, and that is it, no people contact, and in my opinion anyway, just exasorbates his symtoms. He stated that he had just received my letters, telling him about my visit, and said this would not be a good time to visit, also not a good time for him Brother to come for a visit. His "voices were telling him, that this would be a "dangereous" time to travel. When I got off the phone, I called my Therapist, couldn't really talk clearly, was crying, and she told me in her usually and very loving voice, that all I can do is Pray for him, that I can do, and have been doing since yesterday. Tried so hard yesterday to "carry on", but I noticed that when I was pouring my Dishwasher Soap, into the Garbage Disposal, I knew I was kind of in "shock" maybe. I cannot really comphehend how, when someone is in a Medical Facility, for a mental illness, that this treatment of my son, could be so inhumane, of course, my first reaction, knee jerk reaction, is that I want to "rant and Rail" against this inhumanity, in the Prison Systems in this State. But I am not going there. His Brother, is going to try to see what he can do, as a Doctor, and as a Pychiatrist, maybe he can at least speak to the Doctor in charge, as to other medications, that are actually less expensive and more effective with his Brother Disorder. My Son, the one in Prison, in my belief, is suffering greatly, and I am so powerless, it is so painful, that I have just been rendered numb. I made about 50 calls late last year, to the Warden, the doctor in Charge, to so many different staff people in the Prison, there, and got not one response. Have been in many a crisis, with this in the last 7 years, and do believe, that Prayer is the ONLY Solution. I have experienced the safety of silence, and Prayer, and I will continue to Pray for my son, who is suffering. But I am having a real Problem, with the "Your Will, not Mine be Done" We talked a lot about this, on Friday, while finishing up the second half of the 11th Step. I believe that today, being Father's Day, I had planned a "Duck" Feast for my Son and a friend, and I do have so much to do, and I will try to just put one foot in front of the other, and prepare this meal for this evening. Acceptance, to me means you don't have to LIKE it, and this is one of those Days, Drinking is not an option, I equate Drinking with Suicide, so I ain't going there. Interesting to me, I have chosen not to discuss this with any close friends, not my Sponsor, she is too involved with her own stuff. However, I do feel this MIP Board is a Sacred Place to me, where I can talk about this "blow to my heart". maybe I am nuts, this is Cyberspace, but Sacred is Sacred. I have so much fear inside me this morning about my Son's Safety, that is what is making me feel this numbness. "fear knocked, Faith answered and there was no one there" is not a place I am in right now, numb with Fear. And I can trust this Board, to let me just "get this out", as a theraputic release, and am so Grateful my friends are here. And will support me through this. Love to all of you, Toni
So sorry to hear about your son. I cannot imagine the feelings you are having now but I do know fear, as we all do, and I will pray for you and your son. Take care of yourself and I'll be thinking of you...........
Mental illness, (as is Alcoholism) is not yet fully recognized as being the same as any other physical illness, even today.
We are slightly past the dark ages (but, only just passed, and even now, only in a few countries). It reminds me of the times that many physical ailments were blamed on the individual as a "curse" for their improper religious behavior.
You can only love your son, and be thankful for the other son who is healthy and successful.
There are many things of the table of life, some sweet, some bitter....we can only experience what is placed before us and make the most of each item as it comes.
Sorry to hear what's going on with you and your son. God's plan does suck at times. Can't argue with that. I've met some people that deal with schizophrenia. It's hard to accept that there is really nothing you can do or say to get through to the person. I can only imagine how frustrating and depressing this must be for you. I'm thinking about you and you and your son will both be in my prayers.
I will pray for you and your family. My home group is tonight at 7:30 PT and we have half time at 8:00 PT. At that time, I will ask the people in my home group to pray for you as well, without giving them specific details of your pain. We will pray for you, Toni. Lots of love.
Well I have experienced something this morning, with the love that was sent in your messages. Teacher: Love concours Fear. Student: Yes, and I have just experienced this.
Out of that Frozen Fear, and into today, Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I do believe that God transends himself into simple unconditional Love.
The numbing fear I was feeling has transferred itself into an extemely serious concern. That will remain until some help is given to my beloved and precious Son, that suffers greatly with a Disease. I will Pray for his Safety, and all the time, until I can see some change for the better.
Someone grabbed me by the shoulders, many years ago, when this first horrible trauma took place, and they looked my so closely in the face, and said, "Toni, Surround yourself with Love!" That's an order!!! Very Smart Woman she was.
I have a clearer understanding too, of why I believe this Board, for me is Sacred.
Love to all, just wish I could give you all a Giant Hug, well I will, but it's gotta be a Cyber Hug, can you feel it?
Ummmmm. Think you could tell me how to start one's day over when it goes downhill? You seem to be really good at it! I seem to be really bad at it. Such is life I guess. Glad you are feeling better.
oh my, Toni... my heart completely POURS out with love for you and deep concern. You are wise that in this time where all your concern goes out to your son, you allow others to love and care for you so you are not running on empty yourself.
A song comes to mind, "Held", by Natalie Grant... if you can find this song, I truly believe it will help to bring you some peace. If you get a chance to hear it, you will know what I am talking about and trust me, you will thank God for this beautiful healing song. Wish I could send it to you myself, but it is 'License Protected' on my computer... (yay, information superhighway...LOL)
As to the situation at hand, we alcoholics think we have the monopoly on suffering, and we are so wrong. We are indeed spoiled to have such a simple daily reprieve to our illness. This humbles me greatly and helps me to realize that I do not deserve an 'award' for being sober... I am just one of the lucky ones to have been afflicted in this way.
Two weeks ago I went 'to the rescue' for a family that is close to me. The mother is very ill; just got out of a 3 week hospital stay for pneumonia. Her son is in his 40's and lives at home, happens to be gay and blames 'society' for all his problems... is a seriously sick alcoholic with the worst case of bipolar I have ever seen. (I have seen a lot of it; been working in the medical field for 10 years... Dr's office, surgical ward and a treatment center...) He goes off his meds all the time and gets drunk and creates havoc... just like I used to do (the getting drunk/havoc part). Last week or so ago, I called him late morning, to see if he wanted to go for coffee. He was very obviously drunk; confided in me that he had attempted to commit suicide after a bender the night before by shutting the garage door and running the car til he fell asleep. He happened to have the car windows up, which saved his life. He said he was getting ready to do it again and succeed this time.. he went on and on about how he wanted me to see that all his finances (?) were donated to a treatment center, etc... rambled on about his family and what 'terrible people' they were. I called the authorities because it was a life and death situation, Toni. I only had to consider it for about a minute, whether I should call the police or not... this is a person's life. I called all 3 police dept's in the area, as I had no idea where he was (he was house-sitting, which is his part time job). Finally, after an entire day of panicking, being angry that the police were basically not busting garage doors down looking for him, my friend called and said, "I am coming to pick you up, Joni. You are not thinking clearly right now and we can do this together." Just as she pulled in my driveway, his sister called to report where he was; that her mom was there trying to calm him down, he was angry and agitated, etc. I called the ambulance and police and went over there. they took him to an area hospital's locked psych unit, which incidentally let the man OUT the very next morning... He was so proud that he had talked himself out of the hospital once again. I thought, "Something else must be going on here, that they would let a man out who had attempted suicide not once, but twice in the last 24 hours....." BAFFLING!!!
My sick friend now HATES me.. and I know it is just the sickness. I think it was sooo wrong for them to let him out like that. Letting him out was just as bad as if they had abused him, in my book. He is now free to abuse himself further, and possibly KILL himself. I have to let it go, though. I went to meetings meetings meetings in the following days and said not a word there.. I just needed to be fed. I consulted with a friend of mine whom they call a 'black-belt in alanon' and she set me straight. I do need to take care of myself right now. If you need to really dig deep for one grain of hope right now, Toni, it might be in the possibility that even though your dear son is locked up and was completely isolated for a time, he was indeed, and is still alive, and that always means there is another chance to recover from his malady of schizophrenia. He may very well be in this situation right now because God knows something we don't...Perhaps he would not BE alive if he were not incarcerated, at least for right now. God knows what he is doing, Toni. He lets very uncomfortable things happen to good people, but not without reward and love. There is a reward there somewhere for your son, I truly believe it.
I want to thank you for sharing this with me, and for allowing me to share a little bit with you, too.
God bless you deeply, and your son is very much in my prayers. I know God has something good in mind for your son... and for YOU, Toni. If you find it hard to believe at times, I will believe FOR you, I promise!!
My prayers are with you and everyone who is having a tough time. I beleive that the HP of my understanding plays our lives like a deck of cards - some are delt a good hand and some not so good - HP only deals out to us what He knows we can handle. Toni and Joni Baloney I believe that the deck will be shuffled soon. Just my share at this moment in time.
Later - Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Yep, that all we have are the cards we are dealt. We all know PAIN, sometimes when we observe people, and get the impression that they are Pain Free, I do say silently to myself, don't be fooled by that illusion.
Once I attended a meeting in Tiburon, California, it was through the Attitudinal Healing Center, started by Gerald Jampolsky, and it was an open weekly gathering of about 25 people, we all agreed to abide my their simple steps, by the way which were similar to our 12 steps, but to be open to trading in our Pain for Trust and Love.
This center was started years earlier, by the same man, for people suffering with Terminal Illnesses. And the remission rate was astounding. Most of these people recovered, and this Philosophy grew into a huge, and highly acclaimed Center.
It then opened it doors to all, for the benefit of healing.
I think I am getting off track here, because what I wanted to share was that this group of people, that "looked" like happy adjusted people, all had their own stories of pretty horrific pain in their lives, with family members or something going on with them, an illness or a circumstance.
This was so informative to me, and when I stopped going there, I remembered thinking, "No one is Immune" to life and the suffering that goes with that.
Makes me think of that Buddist saying, "Pain is a GIVEN, Suffering OPTIONAL" I think I interpret that to be, acknowledge and accept the Pain, but do not cling to it.
Hugs to you both, and Joni, thank you for sharing that story with me, tough, tough situation, our own humanness wants to offer help, I never know exactly where to draw the line myself.
