Re-entering inventories all the time now (I guess one would say that is step 10)... but initially, I had to recognize that any real growth and relief from these two crucial steps was going to require a willingness to feel some pain and discomfort as I looked at MY OWN maladjustments instead of everyone else's for once. I had this deep sense that I was so flawed, I myself could not take down the precious walls of cold stone I had erected to 'protect' me. What ever would I do without all the precious coping mechanisms that were so firmly in place and that presented themselves automatically??? Real live faith, for maybe the first time ever, had to be a part of this, or I never could have let go of the white-knuckle grip I had on my secret treasure-chest of sickness. Being afraid of hurting is what had caused all this mess in the first place, and now I prepared to meet the hurt head-on, trusting what the Program teaches, that basically we have to get it out to let it go.
The result of working a thorough 4th and 5th step was, naturally, quite a surprise. There was far LESS hurt afterward, and a greater sense of emotional freedom. It is amazing how the binding chains of secrets and resentment can seem to us 'comfortable' when we are in our sickness. Baffling!!
Something that helped me to feel better about the prospect of sharing all the garbage that was my life's story in step 5, was the reminder that when I was drinking, I certainly did not give a care in the world as to what anyone thought of me, how I hurt any one else, or what sordid things I told you all on the bar stool. Why all the concern about trust now?? I re-read the story "Belle of the Bar"... and I had to sadly laugh at myself, and trust that these people who had gone before me in working these steps knew what they were doing. Having a very involved and active sponsor was vital.
Looking back, it was not bad after all, and a HUGE turning point for me. There are actually over 100 promises in the Big Book, and many of them began to come true already.
For anyone out there dangling around steps 4 and 5, do not waste any more time making excuses. Do you want to stay sick, or do you want to get well???
Also, a good suggestion is to do it just like the Big Book lays it out for us. No other materials needed but a pen and some paper.
Joni, Hi! Thank you for an outstanding post. I've been thinking about those two steps all morning, and how liberated I felt when I had done them. You told it with such awesome clarity. Keep it simple and just do it. You're right, it isn't healthy to "dangle" around these two steps. It's the difference between staying sick (possibly sick to death) and moving on with a life focused on daily gratitude, which is something very very important to my sobriety. I cannot be grateful for the life I live this moment if I am still in the quicksand thinking of my past. Again, thank you for how you worded this. Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
