The lack of self-acceptance is a problem for many recovering alcoholics. This subtle defect is difficult to identify and often goes unrecognized. Many of us believe that using alcohol was our only problem, denying the fact that our lives had become unmanageable. Even after we stop drinking, this denial can continue to plague us. Many of the problems we experience in ongoing recovery stem from an inability to accept ourselves on a deep level. We may not even realize that this discomfort is the source of our problem, because it is often manifested in other ways. We may find ourselves becoming irritable or judgmental, discontent, depressed, or confused. We may find ourselves trying to change environmental factors in an attempt to satisfy the inner gnawing we feel. In situations such as these our experience has shown that it is best to look inward for the source of our discontent. Very often, we discover that we are harsh critics of ourselves, wallowing in self-loathing and self-rejection.
Before coming to AA, most of us spent our entire lives in self-rejection. We hated ourselves and tried every way we could to become someone different. We wanted to be anyone but who we were. Unable to accept ourselves, we tried to gain the acceptance of others. We wanted other people to give us the love and acceptance we could not give ourselves, but our love and friendship were always conditional. We would do anything for anyone just to gain their acceptance and approval, and then would resent those who wouldn't respond the way we wanted them to.
Because we could not accept ourselves, we expected to be rejected by others. We would not allow anyone to get close to us for fear that if they really knew us, they would also hate us. To protect ourselves from vulnerability, we would reject others before they had a chance to reject us.
The Twelve Steps are the solution
Today, the first step toward self-acceptance is acceptance of our addiction. We must accept our disease and all the troubles that it brings us before we can accept ourselves as human beings.
The next thing we need to help us toward self-acceptance is belief in a Power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity. We do not need to believe in any particular person's concept of that Higher Power, but we do need to believe in a concept that works for us. A spiritual understanding of self-acceptance is knowing that it is all right to find ourselves in pain, to have made mistakes, and to know that we are not perfect.
The most effective means of achieving self-acceptance is through applying the Twelve Steps of recovery. Now that we have come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we can depend upon His strength to give us the courage to honestly examine our defects and our assets. Although it is sometimes painful and may not seem to lead to self-acceptance, it is necessary to get in touch with our feelings. We wish to build a solid foundation of recovery, and therefore need to examine our actions and motivations and begin changing those things that are unacceptable.
Our defects are part of us and will only be removed when we practice living the AA program. Our assets are gifts from our Higher Power, and as we learn to utilize them fully, our self-acceptance grows and our lives improve.
Sometimes we slip into the melodrama of wishing we could be what we think we should be. We may feel overpowered by our self-pity and pride, but by renewing our faith in a Higher Power we are given the hope, courage, and strength to grow.
Self-acceptance permits balance in our recovery. We no longer have to look for the approval of others because we are satisfied with being ourselves. We are free to gratefully emphasize our assets, to humbly move away from our defects, and to become the best recovering alcoholics we can be. Accepting ourselves as we are means that we are all right, that we are not perfect, but we can improve.
We remember that we have the disease of alcoholism, and that it takes a long time to achieve self-acceptance on a deep level. No matter how bad our lives have become, we are always accepted in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Accepting ourselves as we are resolves the problem of expecting human perfection. When we accept ourselves, we can accept others into our lives, unconditionally, probably for the first time. Our friendships become deep and we experience the warmth and caring which results from alcoholics sharing recovery and a new life.
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Loved this Post. Says so much about the very difficult work of self acceptance. When I came in to the Program, for Real, I was carrying several huge manuals on Self-hate, and when people talked about Self-Love, I would always draw a complete blank. Fortunately, they talked more about Love of a Higher Power, that I choose to call God. That I could absorb. But this self-love stuff, was way over my head, I did know that.
So the solution, for me was to give this big problem of self-hate, to my Higher Power and let His Power, direct me to a different view of self. That I could do.
Many years ago, when it was popular to adopt children from Romania, and Yugoslavia, they were discovering after 2 or 3 years, that this children that were given so much love and safety, were, as a result of being left unattended for the first year of their lives in an orphanage, that these same children, that now had all the security and love they could possible need, still were showing signs of something called an "Attachment Disorder", they could not respond in a "normal manner" to the love and security of these new adoptive parents.
I could so relate to this "disorder" that was being described. I would seek out desparately people to accept and love me. But when they came through, and I could feel their love coming my way, I would (on the inside) think to myself - what is wrong with you??? Don't you know that I am not lovable.
Well, needless to say, Lots of outside help was necessary, and I did reach out and find and get that help, from a woman, that walked me through the difficulties of PTSD, and came through on the other side, with finally an understanding of where all that deep, self loathing, had been given life to, in the first place, that I have known for almost 14 years today, and she is now a friend and a Personal Spiritual Guide, and she was the catalyst in showing me that I was, in fact, lovable.
It is through her guidance, and the working of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, that I do feel acceptance for myself. But the road here to this point of my own recovery, was a very long and very bumpy Road. We do have to surrender our entire selves to this Program, and we also have to surrender completely to every Step in this Program, holding nothing back, if we are to, in fact, get better.
Even today, someone, that is working as a Co-Sponsor, has made an unbelievable, offer to me, of giving herself, selflessly to a problem, where I need help, in today, and in accepting this tremendous act of kindness toward me, I can remember, in the last few days some old resistance to accepting this offer of generosity.
But I can clearly say, that that resistance has no place in today, she is coming from a place of love, and I can say "Yes" to that offer, because today, I am lovable. Yep, I am. My Higher Power that I choose to call God, has shown me over the years, that I am just one of his Little Children, and no different that any one else.
I desperately wanted what I saw in others, that were living their lives, in a complete way, and in the active working of the work steps, 4 and 5, and 6 and 7, there is a deeper understanding of just fitting in, and being a part of.
This Program helps us with our Drinking Problem, when we understand, that there is no Human Defence against that first drink, and then the Steps of this Program, take us, with His Help to a new life, a new Freedom that personally never ceases to amaze me.
I do believe in my Higher Power, that I choose to call God, and I do love God with all my heart, and if that once mysterious belief could take a woman, that only knew Isolation and being almost comatosed in an Alcoholic Black Out , to a life where I say everyday, well almost everyday, YES to LIFE, and YES to the LOVE I feel from others.
I feel it the Most when I am Giving it away to new people in this Program.
There is an article here on Emotional Sobriety, and it breaks down the Steps, into groups, and it suggests that Step 11, and Step 12 are the most challenging.
I do not feel that way, Steps 11, and Step 12, to me are the Frosting on the Cake. It is in my opinion these two Steps, are the actual act of Giving and Receiving Love.
And that is why we are here, Right?
Thank you for this thought provoking Post, certainly helped this Alke get a start on this New Day.
