"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." -- Harriet Beecher Stowe
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“Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality”. Mikos Kazantzakis --------------------------------------------
Oh, how we all try to control or change what happens in our lives. Never quite accepting life for what is has to offer. Acceptance has been a hard lesson for me to learn, as I expect it has been for others as well. Can you imagine the time, effort and energy involved in constantly fighting your circumstances? Wishing things were different, thinking negative thoughts, worrying, controlling, manipulating, becoming angry and bitter. These are all negative emotions that cause anxiety, fear, fatigue, illness – and they just plain drain us! Instead of US controlling our circumstances, our circumstances end up controlling US. It’s a bit of a paradox, but if it is peace, serenity, and well being that you desire – the above behaviors and emotions won’t get you there! Actually, they will only attract more negativity.
I have faced many struggles and each time I thought if I worried enough, obsessed enough, did this or that, I could get this wicked “problem” under control and shove it out of my life for good. That way my life could be perfect, with no issues. Well isn’t that a prime example of ego at its best! All I got in return were sleepless nights, medical problems, tears, and frustration. Plus, my negativity attracted more of the same problems.
My “problems” included being involved in an abusive marriage at age 16, no high school diploma, no work skills, no drivers license. Then my problems included a divorce after the eight-year abusive marriage, single parenthood for six years, financial and career issues, family issues, spiritual issues……………………..
I construed all of the above as “problems” when in reality they were growth opportunities. Apparently I needed that growth but I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t see the positives. I also didn’t see that I had many choices and some of the things that were happening to me could have been avoided, had I made different choices.
Doesn’t it seem like the more you focus on an issue – the bigger it gets, the worse it gets, and the more of it you get? Doesn’t it also seem like sometimes we continue to be faced with adversity until we “get” whatever lesson we are supposed to learn. I guess I just wasn’t “getting it” because I had one problem after another. And since I kept focusing on them, worrying, and trying to change them – the more I attracted. I became angry, bitter, and felt like a victim. At some point I realized that I needed to ACCEPT life and not fight it so hard. Life is not only made up of good times but also struggles and adversity. We are all responsible for our own feelings, actions and choices. I was making things ten times worse for myself by refusing to see the positives, resisting the lessons, and viewing life unrealistically. The world is not and should not be perfect. I found that by failing to accept life’s challenges, I was failing to accept life itself.
Now by “accept” I don’t mean you must become a victim, tolerate injustice, or allow yourself to be taken advantage of. I don’t mean that you refuse to voice your needs, concerns and values. Accepting life’s challenges means humility; letting go of ego, control and worry. Stop trying to fix everything in order to make it perfect. It means admitting there are lessons to be learned, changes to make, and growth that needs to take place. It means focusing on the positives and changing your perspective. Once I realized that, amazing things began to happen – bitterness subsided, anger was handled in a more effective way, I began to make better choices, and gracefully accepted adversity. That doesn’t mean I liked it, wanted it, or jumped for joy when it happened. However, I tried to see it differently, not be intimidated by it, and not fear it. If you can give “it” a face, a name, or a shape it can be molded into whatever you want it to be. That’s when it becomes not so scary and maybe even a little bit positive.
This takes a lot of mental practice but challenge yourself. When faced with a threatening, worrisome problem ask yourself the following questions. What would happen if I didn’t try to control, correct, fix or stop this thing? What if I just let it run it’s course, accepted it, and tried to learn from it? What if I spend one whole day not thinking about it? What is the worse thing this problem can do to me? What is it that I can learn from this? Will I be able to pass my knowledge on to someone else?
Sometimes acceptance begins with simply being grateful. When you become aware of the things you are thankful for it fosters positive thinking. Again, this takes a lot of practice – daily practice. Some people use gratitude journals, others just go through a mental exercise each day – reminding themselves of what they are thankful for. It can be done first thing in the morning or at night before bed. It can be done individually or as a family. You can be grateful for what has happened that particular day or in your life in general. You can express gratitude for one thing or ten things. It doesn’t matter how it’s done, as long as it’s done daily. Pretty soon your perspective will begin to change and you’ll dump that “victim mentality”. It’s the best thing you could ever do for yourself!
It has now become almost a habit that when there is pain in my life (and believe me, there is still pain!) I ask myself what I can learn from it and how I can grow. Then I try (as hard as it is) to be thankful for it. Actually, part of my personal mission statement says: “I am thankful each day for the pleasure and the pain in my life”. Acceptance doesn’t make the pain go away. However, it sure does make the journey a little easier when you’re not fighting tooth and nail. Plus you get the added benefits of less fatigue and stress, fewer wrinkles (yea!), more energy and better physical condition. You cannot change the events of your life; but by changing your perspective of those events they don’t seem so scary – and you can attract more positive things.
Monique Rider
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Once we accept then we are content. I have not been very accepting lately - so - I am not very content. I am working on my forth step and I absolutely do not like dragging up the past - I just want to leave it where it is. The past is the past - let's leave it there. Yes I know that the program (step four) doesn't work that way.
Just my share
Later - Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Yeah, Phil, it's a constant dilemma for me, to look at the sporadic havoc that comes into my life, step back, release it, and try to learn the lesson in it rather than wallow in my reactive state. " gotta fix it, gotta fix it". No, I need to let it be broken so that I can assimilate just how it broke to be better aware of it next time round, cause there'll always be a next time. Robert Schuller said something along the line of " Discover the consciousness that God is in ultimate control of our lives and his will is unfolding as it should". Someone told me that while in treatment, when I had just signed the papers that allowed my Aunt to adopt my daughter, Gina. (I didn't think I would make it thru treatment, didn't want my children anywhere near me as I killed myself). I kept clinging to that statement, I'd never known such pain (yet), and I kept praying that this was His will for Gina. Man, I haven't let myself even think about this for years until now. But yknow, I did the right thing. It doesn't make the ache go away, doesn't make the loss any less, but knowing that I could learn to view this incident with eyes that were willing to seek out the good in it in the long run, is assuredly one of the reasons I didn't run out the front door that very day to finish the job I'd tried so hard to accomplish before. ie: suicide by drugs and alcohol. And it kept me in treatment long enough to learn and hear the things I needed to. thanks for the post. Love, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
all i can say is WOW!!!! i needed to see this..........gonna read it AGAIN and AGAIN, and then SAVE it......i felt like i was posting for a minute there......the need to be in control for ME was to avoid the "helplessness" i felt as a child....so i kept bringing MORE s*** on me that was NOT under my control to show me that FIRST i had to deal with the "learned helplessness" i had aquired as a kid and to KNOW that the ONLY way out is "show up for duty...do what i CAN do and then RELEASE me from it and trust in hp for outcome" there just AINT no other way........
