New to this site. Also new to a city. I have to admit that I've not always availed myself of AA, and have spent many years spinning my wheels. Now I'm in a situation where I have a significant amount of time sober, but my program, and my life, are for shit. I want to reach out, but I'm ashamed at the crappy program that I work. I'm now experiencing a crisis that compels me to lean on the program. I guess this is how it works: either you work the program, or the program works you. I have even had the insane thought that what i should do is go out and relapse after many years, so I can be a newcomer again. Yes, insane, I know.
Welcome John. I can't say that yes, I've felt that way before. There have been times when I've allowed "stuff" to get between myself and the program, and lapsed into the old thinking crap. And once there, get this kind of feeling like I've gone backwards rather than forwards. It's alcoholic thinking, our disease just nagging at us.
I view it as --every morning that I get up is my first day sober. It's a new day. I have no more time than the newcomer on a linear level. Yeah, days add up to months to years....but for me, bottom line is, I'm not drinking right now. So all I have is today. All I have is this moment. It will be what I chose for it to be--good or bad. I try and chose good.
So, it's 7:16 my time. I've been sober today. I hope to be sober tomorrow. And I work the program for this minute. Not for yesterday. Not for next week. I'm working my program for this very moment. I can only pray that I will still be working it by bedtime.
Like, the Title of the little book---Each Day a New Beginning. I'm so glad to see you here. Keep sharing, please. Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
I had moved to a new area, printed out schedule, and had a hard time finding the meetings, almost all included getting on a freeway, with drivers, going 80 mph, and that was so nerve racking. I gave that up, and there were only two meetings I could find without the freeways, one a night meeting at 8;30, too late, and one at noon in a public resturant, that was full of people that were all regulars, and friends, did not feel too comfortable about the resturant part, and this roundtable lunch that everyone was having, could not concentrate. But in recall, I was missing the point, I was there because I am an Alcoholic.
I was pretty disallusioned with what was offerred, but I would go back once a week to this one.
It made me uncomfortable, because I was so used to going to meetings where I knew so many people, and the ones I didnt know, i knew on a hello basis. Knew most of these meetings in a County, of about 100 meetings every week, and with this new envirornment, I didnt know a soul.
I moved away after less than one year, to an area that was so much more condusive to a lot of meetings, and I found them. Took a while, of going to feel like I fit in, but that is really never the goal in a meeting, I have my butt in that chair, for other reasons that feeling comfortable, I am a Recovery Alcoholic.
I am quoting something you said:
"I have even had the insane thought that what i should do is go out and relapse after many years, so I can be a necomer again. Yes, insane, I know."
Have to tell you, i agree with Chris (Wren), alcoholic thinking for sure, but when I read that, I also felt like "what a scary, scary thought". the Disease is Progressive, and it remains Progressive while we are not drinking, that's my take, I really hope for you that you print out a schedule of meetings, and go to them.
The Disease sits in wait, waiting for us to slip up in our thinking, and my own opinion here, but it sounds like if I was actually thinking of drinking, insane thinking yes, I would be so so scared with that thinking i would do whatever it took to get away from that thinking, and would be doing 2 or three meeting every day, but that is me.
I hope and Pray that you acknowledge how cunning and baffling this Disease is.
Many years ago, I was listening to someone talking about staying right in the center of the fellowship, never leaving that center, as his insurance against that first drink, and that thought stayed with me last year when I was definitely out of the inside of that center. Lots of Fear is in a sense of Complancy, for me.
I had taken this Disease almost to the end of the line, and I do not believe that I have another Recovery in me. So, I take great care, in any Complancy, respect it for what is it, dangerous, that is what I look out for.
Now I am in the Program, really in the Program, feel secure again, in the number of meetings, and the people I am used to seeing and love my new friendships (2) that I have. Even using the Word "Secure" for me is not accurate, I have to be working the Steps, going to one Step meeting a week, and working that 12th Step, I am a great believer in "if you want to keep, you must give it away".
Having a Crisis in your life right now is a great motivator for using the Program 24/7, and the option is there anytime to disgard those feelings of being "ashamed" , you can change this all in a heartbeat, use the Program full blast, and you don't have to look back at yesterday, it is gone.
I had a very serious crisis in my life, many years ago, and my regular meetings were there, they were my life savers, that is how I saw the Program.
I do not know your background, and I do not know how much of a struggle you had, getting into the Program. But that is the past and does not matter either.
This Board is also a great, great asset, in my Recovery,
Do you have a Big Book of AA. Reading about the stories in that book of Relapses of People that had a lot of time. ( I am thinking of the story of the man, with a lot of time that was out of town on a trip, and when a waiter approached him and asked him if he would like a cocktail, out of the blue,his insane thinking was back. He Said Yes, but just one, a Scotch, and could you please add milk), that was the second insane thought that if he added milk to a Scotch, that would not qualify as a real drink, (More insane thinking) and how he woke up, about 2 or 3 months later in a town, and he did not have a clue as to how he got there. But we do, don't we. It was just in that first Drink.
Hope so much that you keep Posting all your thoughts, and get your hands on a schedule and use the Program everyday,
I share Chris' thoughts, an accumulation of time, really has no meaning, I only have this 24 hours, a Daily Reprive,
You said one of the reasons you were thinking of maybe Relapsing was to be a newcomer again. My thinking, you can feel like a newcomer everyday, if we choose to look at the day we are in, as a New Day, everyday, for that is exactly what it is, does not have a thing to do with yesterday, that is gone, and the day after today, is a complete unknown factor in our lives.
I did get kind of wordy here, sorry, but your words REALLY got my attention.
So happy to meet you John, and this Board is so great with so many wonderful people, hope so much that you will become a Part of this. We are all in this together. You, Chris, and all the others you will meet here.
Sounds like the whole dry drunk syndrome. Swallow your pride and get to some meetings man. Do it for yourself. I've found that without meetings that whole restless, irritable, discontented feelings kick in and life begins to really suck. Life can suck sober, but without meetings.....
Hope you stick around this board. Just might find it usefull. I think the main thing AA has taught me is not to drink and to try like hell to do the next right thing whether I want to or not. For me this involves getting a sponsor, working the steps, and getting to know those around me in the fellowship.
Thanks for the feedback. Have actually been making it to a bunch of meetings, and am starting to feel better, and feel like I'm getting in the middle of the program a little more, instead of the periphery where i have been for years. I'm glad I've found this resource too. The progressivity of the disease is something I don't pay nearly enough attention to. Drinking is NOT an option. Thanks for reminding me!!
oh yeah, i can relate...i feel like cuz i slip, or i don't do what the "gang" is doing, i am a total "wannabee"
but this program ONLY asks us to "WANT to stop drinking" the program is an individual thing....sometimes i feel "stucK' like now...nothing happening to "confirm" that i am recovering
and with this grief, i feel llike getting drunk and saying f*** it, but i am not...i am working the first 3 steps and #4, too, and back to the first 4...and back AGAIN....to help me get through this grief and desire to "numb this crap"
u hang in there and u r ok, belive me u r NOT out of the normal......trust me, u r ok......peace / rosie
Glad to hear your feeling better John. From your post it sounded like you weren't going to meetings. Glad to hear you are getting connected. Keep in touch!
