i just wanted to thank U guys for taking time to "hug" me in my world of hurt here
i am working the steps on having to accept that all i may get out of this program is to love/treat me and others better...
there may NOT be any lights at the end of the tunnel...there may NOT be any better circumstances ahead
and i think i clung to the "hopes and dreams and wants/ needs" cuz i am AFRAID to let them go....afraid that i will get to the point where "there is nothing to look forward to"
i am assesing my life...the ONLY thign this program can really guarantee is better relationship with self and others....thats IT....
there again i fell into the coda/addict rabbit hole , thinking magic miracles and "miracles" at the end of this would appear, and its the same old stew, just re-heated as somebody so wisely said
i am a dreamer, cuz this life has sucked really majorally, so far, and i have to get OUT of that and hopefully after i grieve out all my ENORMOUS losses, i can come to SOME sort of acceptance...acceptance that my karma may NOT get better, but i CAN, love/treate me and others better, and i will have to go with that
play the cards i know i have and make the best of it...
i just gotta give up these stupid dreams of mine and ACCEPT the things and they are MANY that i cannot, just cannot change/improve.....
i guess facing b-day #60 really hit me like "hey if my awsome plan was commin, it would have been by now---get real and ACCEPT"
so i am working on my steps books, and doing the self help thing to learn to deep breathe...meditation....telling me i love/accept me as i am......excercise....vitamin therapy.....muscle therapy........ and that is IT.....thats all i can do....i heard when u get traumatized like i was, it hits the deepest levels of the brain and that is why it such a buggar to heal....but i'll give it a go......
i , too, feel like those old folks on that brittish comedy "waiting for god" that is the way i feel...........learn to love/treat me good so i can give love to others, and wait for the end to come....
so i am in the , what?? , next to the last stage of this grief thing....i did the denial thing.....did the bargaining thing......did the anger thing, BOY did i do the anger thing, NOW i am doing the GRIEF thing, so i can get TO the ACCEPTANCE thing.....i lost my life to the trauma and the resultant addictions/ codapendency...that is sad, and that is fact, and i better learn to accept it and give up all the needs/wants that are not doable under my power...that MOST likely won't be returned to me...... "do life" on a 24 hr. basis and LET GO......
so thanks u angels for comforting me.....i am going to do the "down time" thing...(will offer support on this board when i can , though--i like to help cuz it gives me joy to support others).....and i am going to do ALL things that give me some happiness....
however, i am cutting out all stuff that i don't need to do, unless it is fun or pleasent....do my grieving....comfort me through it....embrace it and allow the feelings.. work the steps/ healing workbooks, ....ONE DAY AT A TIME......
When things go wrong as they sometimes will When the road you're trudging seems all up hill When the funds are low and the debts are high And you want to smile, but you have to sigh When care is pressing you down a bit Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer, with its twists and turns As everyone of us sometimes learns And many a failure turns about When he/she might have won had he/she stuck it out Don't give up though the pace seems slow You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out The silver tint of the clouds of doubt And you never can tell how close you are It may be near when it seems so far So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
