I am new here and hoping someone may have some words of wisdom. I recently attended a few alanon meetings and am finding them helpful. Last night I also attended an open AA meeting which was also very informative.
I'm hoping someone may have an opinion on my daughter-- if this is serious or a teen thing? or can I do anything to help? She is 20 years old. The good with her is good. She earned a scholarship for good grades to college and attended 1.5 years. She can be a very nice girl. Very smart from a young age. Sweet personality in a lot of ways. The negatives are that she has since the 7 grade had trouble following rules, she can manipulate most people, she is very charming. I have since age 13 or so suspected drug and or alcohol use. Sometimes as young as 16 she'd disappear for a few days but come back go to school/work, do very well and life would go on. I did all I could like drug testing, police, therapy, calling everyone trying to find her, talking, etc. She also has over the years had some very nice friends but also some very questionable. Like a kid who died at 15 from OD and his mom was a pharmasist. Also another family heavily involved w/ drugs. However, much of her behavior was hidden from me and I am just now putting all the pieces of this puzzle together. She always saved her money--she earns a lot and always has, was in school normally doing very well, and worked so how could there be a huge problem? I am a single parent, raised her alone in a stable enviornment, great school system, she has had many advantages and watched me when she was a little girl put myself through college/work support us etc.
Last September after taking 4 college courses that I paid for (not covered by the scholarship since they were in the summer) she implusively dropped out. She did okay in these courses, (B's and C's) not great for her but she was partying most nights, coming in at all hours etc.. This behavior was very hard for me to live with but I did since she was in school. After the summer courses she never went to the fall semester with out telling any one. She also implusively accepted a job and moved out w/ her boss. It was a good job but I begged her to stay in school or if she just could not to take the job and stay at home and save money. I said to her if she moved out impulsively like this against my wishes, she'd have to live with the consequences and I was not taking her back home. Anyway 3 months later the job did not work out. The living arrangements did not either and she ended up moving in w/ a lady she had worked with before for many years. A lady in her 40's rented her a room since I stuck to my guns and did not let her come home. Well she had a lot of trouble following rules there too, coming in late, drunk, covered in mud once, and now is living with her long term boyfriend. He is someone she dated since Freshman year of highschool, but they make up break up and she has dated others but runs back to him because he seems to take her back and put up with her. They are at his parents house. The parents are nice enough people but huge enablers.
I did give her another chance to come home if she completely a semester of college and I heard of no further drinking or drug issues, we could talk. She did go back to school in Jan 06, but after Spring Break, missed one day that turned into never going back. She blamed it on she was working too much but the real reason is she partied all spring break. Her grades up to that point were fine. She twists everything to fit her situation.
Back in Dec 2004, when she was making basically straight A's in college, and most otherwise doing well I signed for a car loan for her. She had a car but wanted a new one. She is the type to always want and have the best. She would not care if i was in rags but she has name brand this or that and I always set a budget and if she needed better she'd work and pay for it-- not me. Anyway, I co-signed the lease after being badgered for 2 years about this car and she always earned a lot and could well afford this living at home. I made her sign a contract w/ me as to pay etc and I paid the down payment. My husband paid the 1st pmt as a Christmas gift. Since Jan of 2006 I have heard of 3 different drinking and driving incidences once where she actually crashed into a rotary and did about $5,000 damage to the car. No other cars were involved. There were no consequences for this since it was in the middle of the night and the police did not come. She has good insurance that I had arranged. I did not get involved and made her deal w/ it. It took her until about April to get the car back w/ all the repairs--she managed to get a rental paid by insurance that she made arrangements for. I recently heard of another drinking and driving incident where she showed up driving drunk at the boyfriends and was threatening to drive again since they were fighting. The parents did not let her and nearly had to involve the police for her not to drive.
I did speak to her about all this behavior and now she said she does not want to have a relationship with me???? (we normally have a great relationship where we see each other a few times a week for dinner and such, as long as she is getting her way). She has a habit of turning on others when she is not getting her way or is confronted about her behavior. Now she has pretty much cut me out and also distanced herself from many family members. I suggested AA and even sent the 12 questions if you are an alcoholic. She just got real mad at me.
I spoke to an attorney and I can't take the car because I co-signed the loan and am not on the title which is a good thing because I am not responsible if she goes out and hurts someone else. But a bad thing since she has free liberty w/ this car.
She is now working at a bar during the days. It is a fried food salad place but mostly they serve alcohol. She is earning about $300-$400 a day and sees no reason for a college degree. She is a truly beautiful girl so she gets good tips and has since 7th grade been able to manipulate most people like teachers, police, friends, etc. I was always the one trying to disipline her so basically I am the enemy in her eyes.
She twists and turns everything around saying I told her at 19 she could not come back and you accept your children for who they are. She also says many hateful and untrue things to me. Also she tells people I wanted her out since age 13. I never said that--she has been very difficult since 13 but I never wanted her out.
This is my only child & this is so hard for me. I do feel she has addiction issues. I have little support from my family as they think a lot of kids do this today and come out of it. Our family has never dealt w/ anything like this but on her dad's side his mom died young from alcoholism. She was not raise near any of her father's side and does not know them. I have through out the years tried any and everything, and my heart is broken. She has so much potential and is choosing this instead. Any suggestions? Thanks for listening. Mimi
It sounds like your daughter has a lot of growing up to do. The first mistake I see is co-signing a loan for a car. I can say this because I wanted to help my daughter out with a car when she was 17. I bought myself a new car and told her she could have the other car, but she would have to take over the payments. The result of this was: she never made any payments on the car, and got in four accident with the car, doing about $3,500 damage. Eventually, I took it back from her before she could do any more damage, and got rid of the new car I had bought. Kids just starting out in life do not need a new car. We as parents do them no favors when we try to be generous. They must learn that material possessions like that need to be earned. Even if she did have to make the payments on it, she would have been much better off without a hefty car payment, especially since she was in school. As I have told my daughter, who is 19 now, and in college: school should be your main priority. Not partying, not working. A college degree is essential these days to have a future.
She may think she doesn't need a degree because she's making a lot of money at her current job. But I'd point out to her - is that what she wants to do for the rest of her life? Because that's what she'll be doing, or something much lower paying, if she doesn't get an education. It seems she is acting very spoiled and controlling, not wanting to talk to you. She's probably blaming all her problems on you, too.
I would strongly suggest counseling for the both of you. The kind where you go together, and then get to speak with the counselor seperately as well. There are some major issues going on with your daughter. How long will it be before she gets a DWI or hurts or kills someone while she's drinking and driving? If, God forbid, that happens, you can be sure she'll want to talk to you to bail her out. This is a train wreck waiting to happen, in my opinion. She's out of control and needs to get her act together. Sorry for the tough talk, but as a mom who's been through some stuff with my 19 year old, I'm just being honest with you. I wish you and her the best.
Thank you very much for your post. Yes, I agree she has a lot of growing up to do. She is mature in someways and very bright, yet almost like a 12 year old in other ways.
As far as the car it is far to late now--water under the bridge. The good news is she does make all the payments which I monitor monthly, it is soley in her name (co-signed the loan only), and it is not anything she got easy. Actually it is nearly paid off. She had to give me $10,000 down which she worked for 2 years prior and saved. This was actually a good thing at the time since she was working towards a goal and focused on that and school. It is over 1.5 years she has had this car and if I had it to do over again, knowing the choices she has made in the last 8 months obviously I would not have co-signed the loan. At that time, she was nearly 19, been driving since 15 (they get permits here at 15) and making straight A's in college and would have got a car anyway with out me--just not as nice of one. This was not her 1st car but it will be the last one I sign my good name to:) When she did crash I did not get involved at all and she had to 100% deal with it alone. That evening we had gone to a family dinner and she left early about 7PM to "study" and than she crashed at 3AM--she was not living home so I had no way of monitoring a 19 yr old 24/7. I don't have any way to make her face further consequences, however, you'd think by her having to deal w/ this, pay to rent a car, and be with out her car while still paying the payments for 3 months, one would learn. I have discussed the dangers of this and the fact that she could hurt or kill someone or herself until I am blue in the face and also before her even getting a permit we both took courses on driving and the dangers of this behavior. She has also been reminded by me and many others over the years many times of what could happen. I can't take the car legally, as I have spoken to a liablity attorney or I would and it would not matter because she has cash in the bank to buy a car since the other good thing is she saves her money. She also now at 20 has excellent credit and could get her own loan.
As far as therapy, we have been that route when she was a teen--with difficulty since she just b.s the therapists and was basically encouraged by me to go because she was a minor. Now she is 20, there is very little communication between her and I since she is angry about me confronting her about all her recent behaviors, and she does not live at home so there is no way I can force it, but I agree it is a great idea again if in the future she would be open to it.
I am encouraging college, she has enough credits for her AS. I had been the one to fill out all her scholarship forms, college applications, take a week off work to go to parent week/orientation, etc. only for her to go and do well but drop out twice now and most likely losing her scholarship and status at the University. At this point she'd probably have to go to community college but she has no interest anyway. So it is a frustrating situation for me. For her she is a party girl who will not listen at this point in time to any family members or friends. Most of my family and friends say I have done all I can and more and to let her go so to speak, but as a parent that is very difficult to do.
Your daughter reminds me of me. Im 20. Ive been a bit nutty all my life. I got very good grades, was in and out of college, have the ability to manipulate the planet, and make good money in a bar. I was always a sweet girl, very caring, 150 iq, popular, i modelled etc etc. Beneath the good and the bad has always been a compulsive urge to go against the grain. I have a fear of being controlled and hate being told what to do. after some therapy, i realize this is because when i am being told what to do, or being confronted i feel attacked because it produces extreme anxiety. I have relized i have suffered from anxiety since i was a little girl. this mainly stemms from a trauma of some sort. Mine was a move from south america to a new country. It made me so anxious i would through fits so as not to go to school. i would fake ilness and learned to manipulate at a young age. I realize most of my manipulations are to dodge anxiety. For example manipulating a cop to dodge the anxiety of being reprimanded for my actions. staying out not just for one night, but for five because the thought of facing my parents produces too much anxiety. Partying and doing drugs is an anxiety relief. Also if (as was the csase for me) parents dont give the attention,protection, love and haven that a child feels she needs (different for everyone) she will have low self esteem and go out searching for attention elsewhere (good places are party atmospheres where guys hit on you, socialize with girls, are part of a social group etc) sounds to me like although your daughter WAS given what she needed growing up, (your love support etc) it was not the amount SHE felt she needed and is now acting out. it also sounds to me like she went through a trauma (not having 2 parents, im sorry i dont know the life story) My advice to you is instead of adressing the behaviour ie. drinking, going with men, etc etc try to adress the root of the problem. Shock her by asking, "do you feel like you got everything you needed growing up? are you happy? ask her specific questions too, maybe how she feels about her father. Most moms make the big mistake of adressing the behavious "I think you have a drinking problem" and the daughter will feel resentful because she knows deep inside thats not the problem, and she will get angry at you for ignoring her pain and only paying attention to her "broken behaviour". your daughter probably harbours alot of hurt, and that is what should be adressed. Give her a hug for me, i know thats what she needs
