You tell yourself that it isn't happening. You tell yourself that your spouse will come back to you. With a divorce, you think that he / she is just going through a phase or mid-life crisis and will come to their senses. You think that you cannot accept that it is ending, and you refuse to see the obvious signs that it is over for the other person. With a death, you just don't accept it as final. When they are dying, you believe they will get well. You refuse to use the term, "died" or "dead".. you say that they have passed on. You don't go to the grave site to view proof of the death. In general, your mind refuses to accept what is happening.
Stage Two: ANGER
In a divorce, the frustrations that have existed in the marriage, beging to come out. You become angry at the way you were treated, about the settlement offers, about your life that has suddenly changed about the way your spouse lied and deceived you, at the future you expected that will never be. With a death, you become angry at fate, at God, at the doctors, at yourself for not doing enough. If anger is turned inward (not felt or expressed), one becomes depressed. Anger should be gotten in touch with, expressed properly and dealt with. It is important not to be destructive in your anger, but it is equally important to express your anger. Expressing anger is a sign that you are beginning to deal with your loss. If anger isn't expressed, it will make you bitter and hamper your recovery. It is important not to bury your anger, and it is important to express all of your anger before you try to forgive that person.
Stage Three: BARGAINING
You become angry at the way you were treated, about the settlement offers, about your life that has suddenly changed about the way your spouse lied and deceived you, at the future you expected that will never be. With a death, you become angry at fate, at God, at the doctors, at yourself for not doing enough.
If anger is turned inward (not felt or expressed), one becomes depressed. Anger should be gotten in touch with, expressed properly and dealt with. It is important not to be destructive in your anger, but it is equally important to express your anger. Expressing anger is a sign that you are beginning to deal with your loss. If anger isn't expressed, it will make you bitter and hamper your recovery. It is important not to bury your anger, and it is important to express all of your anger. It helps you to look at, what caused the problems in the first place.
Stage Four: DEPRESSION
It comes during the anger stage, and the bargaining stage, and in the letting go stage. Depression is normal. It may last longer in some people than in others. Emotionally healthy people won't be depressed as long as emotionally unhealthy people or people who came from dysfunctional homes who haven't dealt with childhood issues. It is perfectly okay to seek help from a physician and take antidepressants for a time until you are better able to handle your grief. If you feel that your depression is lasting too long, you may benefit from the help of a therapist. Never be ashamed of taking medication or seeking professional help when you are grieving. When you no longer need the antidepressants, you will know and end your treatment. During the depression phase, you will cry a lot. Crying is normal, and tears are healing. Let yourself cry when you feel like it. If you cry constantly, everywhere, and it goes on for months and months, you probably need to seek proffessional help.
Stage Five: ACCEPTANCE
When you have worked through all of the other stages, you will come to acceptance. You will realize that it is final, and you are ready to get on with your life. In a divorce, you will come to realize that everything happened for the best, and that your life does have meaning. You will begin to feel free from the pain and the hurt. You will be finished with your grieving. You are ready to move on to a new life and let the other life remain in the past. You will be able to remember the good as well as the bad. With a death, you accept it as what was meant to be. You accept death as an inevitable part of life. You will always love and miss that person, but you realize that you are alive, and you have to go on living and make a new life for yourself without that person.With a divorce, you realize that they just aren't coming back... the marriage is definitely over. You stop trying to bargain, cajole, and beg; you accept the inevitable, which is that you are going to have to get on with your life and make the best of it. Usually, if you do your grief work and work on yourself, you will end up with a better life than the one you had when you were married to the person you lost. Remember: Divorce never happens in a good marriage. Even if you thought it was good, the person who left you isn't the person you needed to be with or they wouldn't have left you and caused so much pain.
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Thanks for the post Phil. I know with my loss it was tough. Went to the wake and had the family tell me to leave, that I wasn't wanted there. Never really got a chance to get any type of closure. It's been a couple years. For about a year, whenever times got tough I wanted to pick up the phone and call her, like she was still there. I was in denial I guess. Had trouble believing she was really gone. It's getting easier but still hurts bad at times.
Kind of felt like this post was for me, so thanks either way. Think this is the second time I've read this post from you.
Take it easy and watch out for those damn turnip trucks!
phil , i guess i should be glad i am out of the denial/ bargain/ anger and now in the GRIEF mode......ONE more to go!!!! and i am workin on it.............friends in recovery, rosie
