I don't know what's going on. My brain is so screwed up right now. I can really see why people go out and drink over the decision to not deal with the 4th step. Man, it would be nice to just drown my past away. Not ready to do it today though.
I went to the meeting tonight and it was a BB study on To The Wives. Should've stayed home.....
Too much painful memories floating around in my head right now. I started with the list of names. Made it to one of my ex's and said fu** this and put the paper and pen down. How do I express my anger towards someone I still love? How do I stop loving her so much when she's dead. How do I make ammends at a grave site? How do I forgive myself for the part I played in it? This hurts like a sonofabitch.
I brought this up to my sponsor a couple months back. He knew her because she was in the program for years. He had some mean stuff to say about her. I tried to wave it off. It's just that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about this because of his response from before. This really sucks. I start looking at the past and I start hating myself for what I've done all over again. I don't want to look at myself as a piece of sh** anymore.
The only thing is that if I don't go forward and do this I will drink again. Those are the facts. If somebody can work steps 1,2,3 and stay sober, god bless em. If somebody can work steps 1 and 12 and stay sober, god bless em. I can't do that.
I guess I just needed to unload some of this crap and get it out of my head. Going through a real rough time.
One quote I wanted to share:
When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, the sonofabitch that's gonna ruin my day is staring right back at me!
Just made a Response to this, that was pretty personal, so I put it in PM.
You are doing it, that is what counts.
Not easy for any of us, but the rewards are there in the 5th, Guarantee You.
hugs, Toni
Puts this Step to REST, at last.
P.S. Someone doing this Step, a few months ago, referred to it a the Monster Step. Could remember that's what it did feel like, the first time I did it, but it is followed, thank God, by the fifth Step, and then ALL IS WELL, for all of us.
Justin, yeah this is a hard one. But something I had to remember while doing that step? Even though it was "re-experiencing" the things I'd done? I had to remember two things; that my Higher Power willing, I would not have to repeat the things I'd done before. Ever. And that who I was when I did them, and who I am as I do this step are two different people now. I guess we all have varying degrees of horridness in out past. But that is the past. And now we have this day, where all day long, if we chose, we do not need to repeat the things that inspire inner guilt. Today we have a choice. Back then? Active addiction doesnt' seem to leave much room for freedon of choice, cuz it's too busy reacting. Releasing guilt is the most cathartic thing in the world to do, just a bit uncomfy whilst doing it. But it really will 'set you free'. Hugs, Wren
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i found god in myself/and I loved her/i loved her fiercely--Ntozake Shange
