I've been going to AA meetings for a month. I haven't had a drink for 31 days, which in itself is a miracle. :)
I've had a horrid time and I just wanted to share.
I won't talk about all the things which I used as excuses to drink, except to summarise in the quickest way possible: over the last few years, my father died, I had two miscarriages, I had cancer (and recovered), I was divorced and remarried.
My husband threatened to leave me....serious threats not just words. I knew I had a problem with alcohol but kept saying I was normal. So 31 days ago I stopped drinking.
I now know that I'm alcoholic. I have thought about drink a lot over the last month. I've been dealing with feelings I never thought I'd have to deal with. My husband says that he can't forget the years prior to this, as though now that I've stopped it still isn't enough.
I'm what they call a sober drunk, I think, because I haven't sorted out my head in any way shape or form.
Last week on Thursday I took an overdose of paracetamol. I was sober when I did it (as I say, I haven't had alcohol for a month). I shocked myself completely that I'd gotten to that point.
My husband seems to be latching onto this "cry for help" idea as though it wasn't serious. This is because I'd admitted I didn't really want to die, I just did it because there was no way out of what is happening. This of course must minimise it in his head.
The thing is, I remember just standing in the kitchen thinking "knife or pills?" and not much else. If I'd have been drunk I would have taken more of them and possibly passed out....
In the meantime husband thinks that going to the pub until the early hours is a good idea. We argued over this. I keep telling him now that I need to look after MYSELF at the moment. After last week I've been to more AA meetings because before that I was going to maybe one or two a week.
I work and I've been off since the overdose. Doc says go back to work and keep busy. It'll be a week today and I feel really really guilty and worried about phoning in sick again. I have to be off though.......trouble is I lied to them about what was wrong. Husband had told them I wsa in hospital so I said it was abdominal pains which were suspected appendix and then they diagnosed a form of gastroenteritis. If anyone can help me with this excuse I'd appreciate it! I think I will be back there next week.
My head is in bits. I can't seem to pick up the phone to people because it isn't reallyin my nature to ring people at their homes and bother them.
I've done some horrible things while drinking and I've drowned out some horrible things. Now I'm not drinking I have to cope with that stuff too. :(
Overall, wierdly, I feel that I'm on the right path, and I love AA. I keep thinking ONE DAY AT A TIME and I also keep thinking that if Husband decides to go then I'll survive and I'll be sober and better. I need to finally learn how to cope with stuff and this is the only way.
Don't worry about work. Jobs will come and go, sobriety will not. You have 31 days. That is a great start. Don't turn back now. Take care of yourself. Do whatever you have to do to stay sober and everything else will fall into place. REALLY.
As for the pills, I would share openly with my doctor and my sponsor about all my thoughts and feelings - don't hold anything back and let him or her help you.
In the meantime, I hope sharing about all of this helped you. Keep sharing with us.
Sounds like you have a ton of stuff on your plate. I just wanted to say that as long as you stay away from the booze, then everything will work out. Maybe not when you want it to, but eventually things will become more managable. As long as you don't take that first drink you have a chance at a new, better life.
Have you got a sponsor yet? Didn't mention it in your post. Sponsors are there to help us work through the steps, which enables us to become functioning people that don't have to drink today to deal with life. Without a sponsor and the 12 steps your chances of recovery are slim to none.
It's great your going to as many meetings as you are. I too go to alot of meetings and find them very helpful with dealing with day to day stuff. Glad you are here posting. Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Took this kid 180 days, just to come out of the fog...that I really didnt know I was in...
Had a sponsor that kept telling me..that the only thing, I was capable of doing ...for a while...was not picking up a drink for today..and go to meetings...
Even tho..I tried to prove him wrong...I hafta admit, that he was right..
So I bounced for a while ...before the mind, and emotions..quit flying all over the place...
It wasnt easy for the first while Dawn...but it did get better...
30 days is a biggy...and yup...a miracle...
Welcome...
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Your story isn't much different than many of us....it's hard in the early goings. You'll be detoxing for quite some time which brings out many physical and emotional things. I'm 4.5 months and just now out of the fog...but I still have mushy brain...I still have really emotional times....I still battle with stinking thinking that can take me to all sorts of horrendous places, but the truth is I had all those things before I quit drinking...the difference is that now I have a Program to help me. So if I can say anything to you....you aren't alone, so keep coming back! OH and get a Sponsor if you don't have one....and speaking from experience with suicidal thoughts, find a Therapist today! Mine has been just as important in my Recovery as AA.
