Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.
"I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren't, don't want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process," said one recovering woman.
I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn't love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.
I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me. I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy.
What I'm saying is this: I've spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn't. It's been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won't work!
By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.
In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.
Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I'll allow my life to become manageable.
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
Great post Phil. I rememeber my first meeting and reading step one. I thought "If I am powerless, how am I ever going to get the willpower to quit?" I am so glad that AA taught me the solution. Although I take my will back on a regular basis, I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to my HP. When I first took step three, I was a bit confused. I had turned my will over, why did I keep taking it back and why didn't my HP stop me from taking it back? I had made the decision. I had said the prayer.
What I have come to realize is that, yes, I have made the decision to turn my will over to God, and that means that as soon as I realize that I have taken my will back, I must turn it back over to God. My alcoholic brain and my "will" are not reliable. My HP does is. Although I am not always sure where my HP is headed with something, if I have faith, it has always worked out.
I think having faith in an HP and believing in an HP are two very different things. I find it hard to have faith and turn over certain aspects of my life. Sometimes I kid myself that I know better. This is my ego working against me. Turning my will over to a HP and having faith that I will be taken care of is not easy.
Not sure if you were thinking about step 3 when you posted, but thank you for the reminder. There are things going on in my life right now that I have not turned over to God, and I need to.
Thanks for this post Phil. I am currently dealing with a very frustrated, angry, hurt husband. I want him to be happy for me. I want him to understand alcoholism and be a support in my life. He is hurt because I am turning outside and making friends who can help me where he couldn't. I can't change the way he feels. He has the right to be angry, upset, hurt, confused, bitter.....I can't fix it. I am powerless. It is not my job to make him happy, to make him understand. I am scared and angry and sad. These are feelings that I must deal with sober and it's not easy.
Got 30 days yesterday. I expected him to be happy but he was just pissed that I was going to a meeting. I can't change that. It is out of my hands........and into God's.
Just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks!
Jen
Expectations are resentments in advance...............
Ive had people in my sobriety that wanted to come first...before AA..and it was impossible...
Without a program...and meetings...and the people..in the program...Ide be back out drinkin...and likely dead..and Ive been around for a long time...
.so with this kid...its had to come first...and even tho..those people were close...there was nothing..I could do..to change how they felt...and trying to make someone else, completely understand it...was impossible...
And I felt guilty...and the fear of loosing them...through my own insecurities..was tremendous...
So I ran around..trying to play both ends against the middle...trying to control it all...and lost...
We gotta do..what we gotta do..to keep this damned disease arrested...one day at a time...
No matter what.....and some days..those nomatter whats..arent easy...
Every day sober...is another day...that some of us shouldnt even be here...we should be dead...or still in jails..or mental hospitals...
Ive shared with a couple of people on this board...about a good freind and buddy..going through cancer...and he is not going to make it..
He just celebrated 3 years sober...a week ago...
Hes got less than 6 months...Ive spent time with him every day..since the shit hit the fan..4 days ago...
Ive been through this cancer stuff too...Im still here...and was one of the lucky ones...
I really dont know..what Im trying to say here...
I guess ..its just..."we hafta be gratefull..that we are sober..and still breathin"
Hang tough gal...some days just arent easy....but picking up a drink...it would be a hell of a lot worse...
Keep lookin up...
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
This Post made me think of a memory of a tiny little saying that someone had cut out and glued to a bulletin board, next to their refrigerator, that I read many years ago, and never forgot:
"Our lives are shaped and molded by the people that choose to Love us, and by the people that refuse to Love us."
What a simple concept, speaking from one that tried to twist these words around so many times, when I would not Accept this oh so simple concept.
Then Alcoholics Anonymous taught me the meaning of the words ACCEPTANCE and POWERLESSNESS.
Was thinkin of the first 3 steps..with that post..and Letting Go..Letting Go..and Letting Go.some more...and I sure identify with what you wrote.....have a good day eh...
And Baloney? "Our lives are shaped and molded by the people that choose to Love us, and by the people that refuse to Love us."
Something..that Ive never heard before...You have a good day too eh?
I see that you havent pushed any wrong buttons today..:) Good Girl!!
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
