A friend of mine says that "understanding is way overrated, now acceptance, there's something to shoot for"! Peolple dabbling with this deal go to their grave all the time desparately looking for understanding. Instead of loving the fantasy world, perhaps you might seek to cherish dignity, for there is none on your path.

 
I remain forever grateful that I'm Done Drinkin
Yours In Recovery
John C

http://donedrinkin.blogspot.com/

Rob,

It DOES get so much better.  In sobriety, you can have all the wonderful feelings and comfort without the security blanket of alcohol or the terrible, deadly affects.  Have you worked on Step 1?  Maybe try reading Bill's Story, and A Doctor's opinion from the big book and Step 1 from the 12 and 12?  You may have already read these but it will help to read them again, and again, and again.  To me, these books are working texts, so I read mine over and over and write all over it and highlight it just like I would have done in school. 

Also, as part of my step 1, I wrote out all of the "unmanageable" things that I had done or that had happened as a result of my drinking.  I even wrote the stuff that I am terribly ashamed about and never wanted to think about again.  That was a good reminder to me of why I did not want to drink.  I needed (and still do) that reminder whenever I would start feeling better.)

When it comes to the powerlessness, I think I can relate to the way you drink.  It sounds like you want to drink socially.  Very normal right.  Tons of people do that all the time.  The problem for me was that I cannot.  I was not obsessing about alcohol all the time, but when I did drink, I could not stop.   I would think I was only going to have a glass of wine with lunch or with dinner, or a beer while gardening but it was like getting side-swiped by a truck.  I would wake up the next day and have no idea how it happened.  I could clearly see that this did not happen to "social" drinkers.  I watch them have a drink or two and then forget about it for the rest of the day.  I have even seen my husband pour the remainder of a drink down the drain!  (can you imagine!!!!)  This was NOT how I drank.  That is how I began to understand my powerlessness.  I was powerless once I started drinking.  After one drink the obsession began and I had no power over when I would be able to stop. 

I loved drinking too for a long time.  It felt great and made me feel really comfortable in my own skin.  But now, I can feel comfortable in my own skin without the drinking, and that is so much better.

I hope this helps and I wish you well. 

WRbeachbum

You said in your post, that getting drunk is the only place you can go to get some happiness in this mess you call a life.  Yet, you said yourself, that drinking is a large reason your life is a mess. 

Boy, do I ever know what that was like!  Alcoholism truly is the master of the viscious cycle.  I was unhappy about my messed up life, so I drank, which only messed up my life more, which made me more unhappy so I wanted to drink more!  The only way I could beat that, was by meetings, and more meetings and telling my feelings to other AA'ers, and hearing their stories of what they felt and how they dealt with it.  Those two things are my armor against that nasty b**ch ex-girlfriend ethyl(alcohol), who I can't stand up to alone.  I need it frequently, for the rest of my life, to keep her at bay.