I haven't really been posting that much latlely. I finally found some time to sit back and actually enjoy the internet! I think I might need some Shoppers Anonymous meetings. Just kidding. I pretty much went window shopping today and that was fun.
Had a good meeting tonight. Had a reminder of how it used to be. I remember when I first got sober back in '02. I went through a half-way house and got a job and thought I had finally found success. Once I graduated and became an alumni from the house I got an apartment and found myself drunk, asking myself "How on earth did this happen?"
This was my first experience with relapse. At the time I thought I was bulletproof. Everything was so good in my life that I didn't know how to deal with it. So I didn't. I did what was normal to an alcoholic of my variety. I drank, and drank, and drank some more. This was a painful learning experience. I had no idea that after that first one, how powerful that phenomenon of craving truly was. I could not stop. I went to meetings and cried, and cried some more, and felt so sorry for myself because I couldn't stop. No matter how much I wanted to be sober, I could not stop drinking.
I'm not going to go into how bad an experience this was because words can't describe it. I finally got into rehab months later and got back on the right path.
You would think that I would learn from this! No, I had to relapse three times before I got sober this time. Three of the worst experiences ever to take place in my life.
After looking back, I think I have learned from those experiences. To me, it's like you experience so much pain of the hopeless, helpless variety and something has to be done about it. I had to decide whether I wanted to try living again or try dying again.
I'm glad to be sober today. One thing I do realize is that it is only today because tomorrow I might just end up drunk. Might seem impossible but it's not. All I've been given in this program is a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition. Just like the book says.
I had no idea what I was going to type in this post and this came out!
Hope you all have a nice, sober Memorial Day weekend.
