Well, I did not have a very good weekend. Thanks Toni Baloney for your very kind message, it comforts me to know that relapsers can 'get it' eventually.
No drink yet today. It is getting worse, in a way: the more I want to stop, the more I want to drink! Even at the least appropriate times.
Beachbum mentioned HP and my relationship with him/her/'It'. I am very confused religion-wise, although I have never been an atheist. I have always really loved much of what Jesus said but am very turned off Christianity because of Hell concept and judegementalism and bigotry of a lot of so-called Christians. Eg my daughter and I were turfed out of church on Maundy (Holy) Thursday because daughter was making too much noise. This, at a Catholic church! You think they'd be kid-friendly.
Anyway, that's not really relevant. I prayed last night (I had had about five glasses of wine) that I would have strength to not drink today, which might be a tough one, since financial necessity dictates that I go to parents' for dinner, and there's always booze around there. But I doubt I'll be tempted. Mainly because (thank God) I feel rather dull and headachey and I know a drink would only make it worse.
Thanks everyone....for listening and being tolerant.
Good to see you here tonight, hope you have been o.k.
I was just signing off, I am really tired, cannot keep my eyes open, so I will write more on this Post, in the a.m.
Loved the part where you just asked the God OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING, to keep you Sober, thats how it started for me, too, (there does not have to be a religeous conotation to this). Just a Higher Power of our understanding. And if you don't feel comfortable going where there will be alcohol, you can stay away from those uncomforable situations, that is your right. When we are struggling in the beginning, there is a saying around here, 'Stay away from Slippery Places" becuase of the danger that they have inherently in them.
A Big Hug, Toni
It must be around 8:40 in the morning there 12 hour difference i think, i woke up at 4: 30 a.m. my time.
So hope to see you again tomorrow, and you can email me anytime, would you send me your email addy??
Over the years I've heard thousands of relapse stories and they all had one thing in common. Every relapse began with either a dramatic fall-off in meetings or they stopped going at all. I have a pet theory I'd like to tell you about. Most people believe that things get crazy if an alcoholic drinks again, which of course is true. But the book says that what actually happens is that the insanity returns and we drink again. We are in full blown relapse, beyond human aid, and we haven't picked up the drink yet.
I remember as a newcomer getting chills at hearing so many relapse stories in meetings, so I asked my sponsor "what's the deal with that, and what's the point of this if you drink again"? He told me to go up to those people after the meeting and ask them what they were doing before they drank again, and then don't do that. So I go to meetings. A lot of meetings. Meetings have become my personal insanity defense, and it's at meetings that I hear the things I need to be doing to stay sober. I've never had a clerk at the corner convenience store ask me what step I'm on, no one at Dairy Queen tells me to work the steps.
I suppose, altho I seriously doubt it, that there is such a thing as too many meetings. But there is for sure such a thing as too few meetings. The problem is, that number is a mystery, no one knows for sure how few meetings are going to get 'em drunk. So if you're going to screw up your meeting schedule do too many.
And finally, staying in the meetings is as much about responsibility to the newcomer as it is personal sobriety. If all those people who sobered up before me had taken a hike with their newfound toys, who would have been there to guide me at the start of my sober journey? Gratitude in recovery is manifested in service, and grateful alcoholics never descend into the insanity that precedes relapse.
I hope you have a better day today. I agree with Toni, stay away from slippery places/people. At least until you are comfortable with your sobriety. I know it is your parents and that can be tricky but, because it is your parents, can you ask them to put the booze away for the night? Are they supportive in your sobriety. Maybe just tell them that it is a trigger for you and you are trying to stay sober. Could they please not have any booze out tonight.
As for HP, as you know, it does not have to be Christian, or anything else for that matter. My HP is a combination of Mother Nature, instinct, and a whole bunch of other things. When I was working the steps for the first time I wrote out what my ideal HP would be, and that is what it is. I could believe in "Mother Nature". Something greater than me is controlling the tides and the weather and the seasons and the miricles of science. I feel that when I have a gut instinct, that is my HP telling me something.
All the best to you today. Keep at it. You can do this. You are worth it - we all are.
Just wanted to add, you got my Private message I'm sure. But wanted to make a statement about Relapse.
Relapse can be for some a part of early recovery.
Chronic Relapse is a Whole other Story, I wrote to you about a good friend that had the same amount of Chronic Relapse Time, we met on day one, of AA. I was given, only by the the Grace of God, to somehow make it in, crawling, a new chance at living, but my dear and beloved Friend of many years sufferred a Horrible Death, that I watched at a little over l year of Recovery. I made it my "mission" in life to get her back into Recovery, and all my efforts failed.
To this day, I do not understand how, I now have over 16 years of a new life, and my friend that was a truly wonderful human being, died a death that no one would ever want.
All we have is today, this very moment we are in. After writing you that long story, I was thinking about Eileen, and wondering why my life was spared, and her's was not.
No answers come, just the information that I need to keep working with other Alcoholics that are reaching out, desperately trying to get a few sober days together.
And the answers, here on the internet are all the same, it is IN THE MEETINGS, There you will find the Tools you will need to take one day at a time, staying sober, when we are willing to do whatever it takes, and understand that it is in that first drink we give up our decision making abilities, over to the Compulsion of this Life Threatening Disease of Alcoholism.
Early recovery is a very difficult time for most of us, fear driven Disease, and when we stop drinking, we are left with the FEAR, and no band-aides. So it makes sense that it is Difficult.
I want you to know that your being here, is very valuable, all you need to bring is the Desire to not drink, so please keep writing to me and posting on this Board, that is the Purpose of this Board. I see a sister, holding on for dear life, and the natural human response is to offer our hand, reach out, just like someone reaching out to us from our own hopeless lives that we came in with.
We have walked in your shoes, dear, and remember those days well.
My Prayers go out to you, and hope that your "not so good" days turn around for you, soon.
Your Sister in Recovery.
Toni
And a little P.S. Sobriety First in EVERYTHING to me translates into EVERYTHING, all circumstances, that are slippery places, slippery people, slippery thinking. (I can't get to a meeting today, because......) That's slippery Thinking to me. This of course is only my little opinion here, nothing more.
Have a great Holiday everyone.
The drink is the LAST part of the SLIP, not the first. That's a FACT.
